When you've lost all hope and realize that everything you've been fighting for is a loss, you start to question yourself.

Who am I?

Why is this my life?

What's been my purpose?

Who do I turn to?

This boy, and I say boy because this broken Bain is not hurting for the man that he's become, no he's hurting for the boy that didn't have his chance to break. For the boy that thought to much about taking care of his family rather than how he's going to heal.

"Bain." I say softly getting on my knees. He looks up from the floor and his eyes are lightest clearest green I've ever seen. It took my breathe away. "You cant let this, him, defeat you." I shake my head.

"Everything that I've done up to this point so far had all been for her." He shakes his head. "I don't understand."

"She doesn't want you to fight anymore, Bain. She wants you to be happy. To take care of Isabella and be there for her like you always have been. To let go."

His eyes suddenly darken and his jaw tightens. "And if I cant?"

I drop my hands to my knees and look down. "Then there's nothing anyone can do to stop you. But you'd only be hurting yourself."

He scoffs and stands. "I don't understand you. You're so afraid of the world. Afraid of even yourself sometimes and here you are acting high and mighty and come giving me advice about not letting something defeat me?"

He doesn't mean that..... he can't.... he's just hurt. "Bain-," I try, but he interrupts me with a harsh laugh.

"No you know what Ashley, screw you and all your happy horse shit. I don't need that," please don't say it... "And I don't need you."

If there was a way to hear your own heart shatter, I would have just heard it. Loud and clear.

"Hear that mom?!" He screams angrily to the ceiling. "I'm letting go! Of everything! Is that what you wanted?!"

He shakes his head and storms out of his bedroom leaving me there my hand covering my mouth my eyes shut tight sitting on my knees on the floor.

You will not cry. You will not cry for him.

"I knew this would happen." I whisper to myself.

I wipe under my eyes and stand up. I hear a knock on the door and run my fingers through my hair walking to it opening it.

Luke stands there hands in his pockets wearing a light brown leather jacket and dark jeans.

"Luke?"

"Ash," he sighed. "Can we talk?"

--------------------------------------------------

"It's okay, Bells."

Sam rubs my back in circles trying to calm me down. I take off my glasses wiping my eyes then put them back on leaning back against the swing with Sam's arm around me.

"I just," I shake my head. "I don't know how to feel."

"It's okay not to know sometimes."

I smile a little thinking how cute it is that he always has an answer for everything. "And you know this how?"

He smiles a little, his braces peeking. "I didn't know how to have a girlfriend. I never really thought about it until I saw you. Then I just had to have you."

I giggle and tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"And you know why I wanted you to be my girlfriend?"

I look at Sam and he strokes my cheek softly. "Because your a beautiful and smart girl. Very smart. And I know you'll figure things out."

I feel my cheeks blush. He just says such sweet things, it makes my heart beat so fast and makes my stomach hurt.

Suddenly he looks at my lips and my heart definitely starts to beat faster. The other night we didn't get to kiss.... We were both too nervous and I was glad sort of because I had no idea what I was doing, and I still don't. But what I do need is something to make this day good. Something special, with someone special, like Sam.

This time, I want him to kiss me.

I want my first kiss.

Sam leans in slowly and I put my hand on his shoulder. I turned my head a little opposite of his, and at first we just sat there, foreheads resting against each other and enjoyed being close... so close...

Then it happened.

His lips touched mine and my first thought was that I was going to suffocate from my heart beating so fast and my not being able to breathe right now. Then I thought how amazing it felt to have Sam's lips against mine. The way he pulled away gently, not letting our lips part, then went back for more.

When our kiss ended, I felt new, different, happy.

My first kiss.

I grinned.

Oh. My. God.

------------------------------------------------

"Um sure. Come in."

Luke walks into the house and looks around. "Damn." He whispers and runs a hand through his hair.

"Um, it was just," I tried but he interrupted me "I know. I uh, caught him on his way out. Told me everything."

I swallowed and looked down. I wonder if he told him what he said to me.....

"Look," Luke said bringing me out of my thoughts. "Bain has been through a lot in his life, to say the least. You've seen that I'm sure." He stretches out his arms gesturing around disaster of a room. "But you also have to know that in his mind, what he's doing is right. It's justice."

I shake my head. "Luke, I,"

"Please Ashley, listen."

I sit nod and sit down on the couch and stay quiet.

Luke sits in the love chair next to me his body turned towards me. "I know the ugly words that come out of his mouth have no excuse. Yes, he hurts people, yes he's a complete dick, yes he's done some very bad things in his life, but he's hurting, Ashley. The kid's got nothing left." Luke shakes his head his eyes looking in mine almost pleading for me to understand.

"Belly and I are all he has. He hasn't even had a moment to enjoy his childhood. He's been a brother, a guardian, a student, a provider, everything for everyone. And whose been there for him? Whose going to take care of him?

"He loves you Ashley." My heart pounds and I stare at Luke.

"W-what?"

"You heard me. He loves you. He hasn't said it because he's so confused as to what he's feeling, so lost in trying to break down the walls he's worked so hard to build. But as his best friend, as his family, I know it. I've never seen him so screwed up over a woman before."

Bain loves me?

Why would he do this to me then? Put me through so much only in the end to make me feel so small? So helpless because I will always come back to him no matter how much he hurts me.

And them I realized, that's what true love is. Overlooking the hard times and sticking around to live for the good times.

And we've had some damn good times.

"Why are you telling me this?" Feeling my chest tighten.

"Because rather I like it or not, I love the little shit. He's my brother and for once I'm standing up and taking care of him. Don't let him scare you off. Don't let this jack ass that his past had made him into scare you away from being the person he needs to move on and finally be happy."

I didn't know what to say. I was shocked to say the least having a battle with what my brain thinks and what my heart wants.

I love him, I want to heal him, be the one he needs.

But I don't want to be his toy either. Im done being the Bad Boy's Toy. I want him to know that i will be by his side but he can't just hurt me, crush me util I can't breathe, then expect me to be waiting for him with open arms and act like nothing happened.

"Just please, think about it."

Trust me, I won't be able to do anything but.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

😘😘