Four weeks. Four lonely ass weeks. I've decided to rent out a room in a nearby hotel for a while. I haven't seen Jax once but it seemed like he was doing okay.

I mean why wouldn't he be okay.

Shut the hell up, he's hurting too.

You're right.

Yes, I have conversations with myself, don't judge me.

I figured out a schedule that didn't require Jax and me to interact with each other at all.

He takes the kids to school every morning which I enrolled Bodhi and Sol into daycare after I'd pick them up and bring them to the office with me. I bring them home and tuck them in while Jackie is also here. Once they're asleep I leave before he even gets home.

It sounds easy but it's really not.

After I leave them I go back to the office and work. I can't even sleep because every time I try to sleep I get nightmares. Nightmares about that day Jax was kidnapped. About me getting shot. I get memories of how I had to live without him raising three kids without their dad while attending college.

Yes, I had help from Jackie and Dylan which I was beyond grateful for but it's not the same.

I just want everything to go back to normal but when I think about normal and my life. Those two just don't go together well.

"Hey, mommy!" Journey, Sol, and Bodhi all say running towards me.

"Hey, babies." I kneeled down to hug them all.

"How was your day?"

"It was boring." Sol shrugs getting into the car.

"Why can't we go to work with you?" Bodhi asks with a frown.

"You need to go learn so you can be smart like Journey." I look over at Journey who holds a bright smile.

"I don't need to be smart." He crosses his arm.

"Oh trust me, yes you do. Go get in the car babe." I patted his butt.

"How was your day?" I pinched Journey's cheeks.

"It was okay." She sighed hugging me. "Are you okay mommy? You look tired."

"I'm okay. Don't worry about me." I kissed her cheek.

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you."

I buckled all my kids in. Today I didn't have to go to the office so instead, I drove them to the park.

We sat on the bench and I helped them with their homework. Once they were finished I let them go roam around making sure to watch them carefully.

"Hey, are you Brynn?" A soft voice spoke.

"Yeah, and you are?"

"I'm Ellerie."

My smile turned into a frown. She was gorgeous. Brown eyes, brown and long straight hair, and pale skin.

"Oh."

"Sorry, I just wanted to come and apologize. I didn't know that I came to your home that day. I also didn't know about you until yesterday when Jax came to explain everything."

"Oh." I fiddled with my fingers. I gotta stop doing this.

"Yeah, I'm actually leaving the state. I just wanted to let you know before I left that I won't get in the way of your relationship and that I truly regret what I did."

"It's umm fine. I guess." I shrugged.

She gives me a simple smile before nervously trotting away.

That was the most awkward interaction I've ever had.

I looked back to my kids who are playing together on the swings happily.

"Kian, I don't know what to do."

"I don't either. I've never gotten kidnapped, lost hope, said I wanted to move on from my girlfriend and child, and kissed another prisoner and lied to my girlfriend about all of that." He rants in one breathe.

"Stop reminding me." I groaned.

"No, you asshat."

"Do you think four weeks is enough space?"

"No." A girl's voice chimes in.

"What?"

"No. For Brynn it's not enough." Kylie shows up on the screen.

"Explain."

"When you got kidnapped, she barely talked to people. She shoved her face in books, studied her ass off, and took care of Journey as best as she could." Kylie says with a frown. "She barely slept."

"Did she get nightmares?" I frowned at the thought of my girl... ex-girlfriend struggling to sleep. Especially pregnant and all.

"She did. She barely smiled, didn't laugh once. She didn't even cry after she left the hospital. Do you know why?" She asked in a very sassy manner may I add.

"She was sad, I wouldn't call it depression because she wasn't diagnosed with it but she had lost weight, the only reason why she ate was for the twins, she had severe anxiety, she didn't sleep unless Jackie forced her to, she overworked herself but you know what kept her going? You coming home to her one day. That girl never lost hope. She held on to that one tiny string left and she kept going. Why do you think she's so hurt about you saying that you wanted to move on? And that you lied about a kiss." She scowls.

My mouth was dry. I didn't know what to say.

"I know I messed up. I just don't know how much space I need to give her. I want to fix things, I do but at the same time I don't know how." I sighed wiping my eyes.

I miss her so fucking much.

"Well buddy, you're going to take this time to figure it out." Kian gives me a somewhat reassuring smile.

"Yes you do that but I swear if you hurt my best friend any more than you already have I will catch a plane and I will come over there and I will rip your heart out just like you did with —"

"Okay sweetie, you're doing a little too much now." Kian covers Kylie's mouth.

"Good luck." He says before handing up.

I'm gonna need as much luck I can get.

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published: march 18th, 2021

Two chapters in a day, look at that.

I warned y'all these first bunch of chapters are not my greatest but it gets better so be patient, I'm trying.

So question of the day/chapter/whatever is.

What would you change about your school system if you could? Mine would have to be teaching us more valuable things that we actually need in life. I get that there are math majors and english majors out there but I just feel like that could've been saved towards college, in high school and even elementary school we should've learned a bit about taxes and maintaining money considering that's what life is based around (getting money) I don't know it's just a personal opinion.

Anyways, have a great day! MUAH!