The birds are chirping loudly as they fly past the opened window, which wakes me up as the breeze gently blows the curtains back. I slowly slip from the bed, not trying to wake up Rian as I do. Once I'm standing, I slowly make my way over to the window, and I spread the curtains wide open to view the skyline.

After regaining my vision, I see the large glowing sun slowly rising up in the sky casting sunbeams in every direction while it illuminates San Fransisco. The sky transforms into a tranquil baby blue, as puffy white clouds overlap each other. Goosebumps form over my arms and legs as the breeze continues to get fiercer.

I close my eyes, dwelling on the emotions that were spilled last night once Rian came back home. The tears streaming from his eyes, and his body quaking as he couldn't seem to pull himself together. Rian remained strong for as long as he could, but yesterday he fell apart. I wasn't expecting him to stay unflappable, in fact, I was waiting for him to show how he truly felt so I could comfort him.

After my father died, nobody comforted me. My little brothers were still too young to know what was going on, my sister was just sent off to college, and my mom was too caught up in her pity to realize my own. So I promised myself that I'd be the shoulder people can cry on, and that I'd be the one they could go to for advice.

Once you lose someone, a sense of maturity is in your blood. You also have more wisdom, which is a key to the topic of loss.

"Enjoying the view?" Rian groggily asks, slightly startling me.

"Y-yeah, it's really beautiful. I just wanted to reflect on some things." I say semi-hesitantly.

"Did I wake you up?" I ask shortly afterwards, and he nods.

"It's alright, it's fine." Rian says, and I still feel bad for waking him from his deep slumber.

Rian could use all the sleep he can get. He's always so exhausted after coming in from work, so after work and finding out about his father must've drained him completely of his energy.

I turn around, and I sit back down next to him on the bed. I give him a brief kiss on cheek before I start to run my fingers through his hair.

"Nothing's wrong with me," I insist. "I was thinking about you, and everything that happened yesterday."

Rian's facial expression looks pained as he leans in closer to me, and he presses his forehead to mine.

"You don't have to worry about me, Alexandrianna. I'm alright." Rian says, and I shake my head.

"No, you're not. It was written all over your face last night. Please, just tell me what's on your mind."

"I won't lie to you about how I feel. I wouldn't willingly lie to you, Alex."

"I know that you wouldn't. I just don't want you to deny something that's all too real for you. That's only going to make things get worse emotionally. Trust me, I'm familiar with the feeling." I say, and the memories come back into my mind.

"I just need to find a way to take my pain out on something. Like, an activity that'll distract me from this whole thing."

"I'll look into that for you, and I'll feed you suggestions until you find one that satisfies you." I say, and he gives me a small smile.

"Trust me, there's one that's already in mind." Rian says, winking at me.

It takes a split second for me to realize what he's referring to, and I instantly shake my head once I know he's talking about sex.

"No, no. As much as I enjoy it, no." I say, and I see a certain look cover his face.

"That was rude of me, wasn't it? We should only have—" Rian begins to ramble, and I put my finger over his lips while shushing him.

"Rian, it's okay. I love having sex with you, but I don't want to have sex with you if you're only doing it to distract yourself from your pain." I say, and he nods.

Rian kisses my knuckle gently before taking my entire hand in both of his, stroking and massaging gently while his eyes pierce into mine. His eyes look like a myriad of shades swirled to create the most exquisite color you could think of. His eyes flicker up and down a few times before remaining on mine, and I smile before he kisses my forehead.

"That was insensitive and un-chivalrous of me. The complete opposite of what I've learned, I know that we only have sex because we both have given consent to each other and—" Rian continues, and I laugh.

"You can tell in my eyes when I want to—, well, you know what I'm saying. Trust me, I really love the sex that we have. It's intoxicating, and it's passionate, magical, mind blowing and it's so many other things. I just don't want to do it if I'm not enjoying it, and it's just for your own personal benefit." I say, and he nods understandingly.

"I agree. Plus, our relationship is still fairly new so it's mandatory that we talk about this. I'm sorry, again, if what I said kind shocked you or anything. It's just that—"

"Your lack of self control took over you, huh?" I ask, playfully raising my eyebrow.

Rian boisterously laughs, throwing his head back as he does. I smile while watching him, because Rian seems to have temporarily forgotten everything that's made him upset. Seeing that sparkle in his eyes again makes me happy, because after last night, I didn't think he'd be in a mood for comedy or joking around.

"You're definitely right about that, Alex. Normally I'm very good about self control, and then I met you, and it all just flies out of the window when we're together. I just don't want to make you feel like I'm pressuring you."

"You're not. It's okay. We'll talk about that later, right now I want to talk to you."

"About last night?" Rian asks, clenching his jaw.

"Unless that bothers you, then we can talk about something else." I say quickly, and he shakes his head.

"No, I want to talk to you about it. One of the things I value most is communication and honesty, so I'll give that to you, Alex. Ask me anything that's on your mind."

"When you saw your parents, what happened?" I ask, and he sighs while looking down into his lap.

"I got there, and I talked to my mom first. The look on her face and the way she was speaking just irritated me."

"Why? Why did that irritate you?" I ask, beginning to caress his cheek.

"She just sounded so calm and unattached. It took me shouting how I really feel for her to show some trace of emotion. Then I felt bad for it." Rian says, briefly chuckling before reverting to seriousness.

"Like you said, you need to take your pain out on something so you just happened to take it out on your mom. Which, in a funny way, makes sense. Like when my mother lost my father, I guess she decided to take her pain out on me." I admit, scoffing.

"You're not condoning her abuse are you?" Rian asks, sounding appalled with both eyebrows raised.

"Oh, hell no. I wouldn't condone her abuse. It's just that people take their pain out in different extremes, some are obviously worse than others." I say, and I watch him nod as he takes in everything I'm saying.

"Thank you, Alex. I really appreciate the advice, and I'll definitely keep it in the back of my mind."

"You're welcome. I love you, and I wouldn't tell you anything that would hurt you." I say, and he smirks at me.

"Yeah." Rian says, and his smirk doesn't leave his face.

Rian's eyes linger on my face for a while, which causes me to blush after a while. Even when I turn my head to look out of the window for a few seconds, I can still feel his eyes on me. I mimic his facial expression, and he breaks out into laughter before his mouth takes over mine.

I feel his feather like fingers trail up my thigh, and underneath my pajama shorts. I moan impulsively when I feel his fingers begin to move in a circular motion.

"Rian," I moan. "We're supposed to be talking right now."

"Right, right." Rian says quickly, and I smile.

"Am I really that distracting?" I ask, raising my eyebrow at him.

"You sound so surprised, Alexandrianna." He chuckles.

"I think that I'm beautiful, but maybe I'm still not used to someone else calling me that."

After a brief silence, Rian kisses me again, and I carefully grab both of his hands.

"Is there anything else you want to tell me about what happened yesterday?" I ask, and he swallows.

"Something my dad said to me hit me pretty hard. He was basically making a bucket list of all of the things he wants to do before—" Rian chokes. "Before he dies."

"Rian, come here." I say, and he pulls me onto his lap, embracing me so tightly that I can feel the air being squeezed out of my lungs.

"I still don't know how to take it. He told me that he's going to die a happy death and all, but I still get a huge knot in my stomach when I think about it." Rian says into my neck, and I feel a tear fall down my neck.

"I think he said that because he has the best son any father could ask for. That's what my dad would always say to me."

"You think so?"

"I know so." I say, and he smiles at me.

"I love my dad, but I just hate hearing him say those type of things."

"I actually think it's better that he said that." I say, and Rian arches his eyebrow.

"Why do you think that's better?"

"If my father could've told me that before he died, I think it might've been easier to cope with. Obviously I'd still be pretty shaken, but it wouldn't have been so abrupt. I know my situation and yours are different, but still. Would you rather have him tell you, so that you know and you get to spend as much time with him? Or would you rather not know, and be oblivious to the clock ticking and counting down until there's no more minutes left?" I say, and I bite my lip to prevent a sob.

"Hey, look at me." Rian says softly, cupping my face in his hands.

He kisses my forehead, and then the tip of my nose before finally kissing my lips again to comfort me. Rian's hands travel to my shoulders, resting comfortably on them while our lips desperately tangle together. I feel a tear slip out of my eye as our kissing intensifies, and Rian instinctively wipes it away with the pad of his thumb. We pull away, and Rian's eyes glimmer as he looks up at me. Our hands are still aimlessly caressing each other, and our breathing is shaky.

"I just hate seeing you so upset, Rian. I hate it. I know that this is going to be difficult, but I'll be here for you through every step of this. I promise you." I say, and Rian weakly nods.

"Thank you so much, Alex."

"It helps to have someone who's gone through something like this because they've experienced all the feelings that you are. I didn't have that, so I'm going to be the one that you have throughout this." I say, running my hands through his hair.

"What would I do without you?" Rian asks through a sigh.

"I don't know." I say jokingly, and he laughs.

"I know that's a question that I'll never have to answer." Rian says back, kissing me again.

Rian and I both lay back down, and I trace circles on his bare chest as he plays with a strand of my hair.

"My father said that he wants to meet you." Rian says, and I feel my heartbeat quicken instantly.

"Really?" I ask, and he nods.

"Why wouldn't he want to meet you?" Rian asks, and I shrug.

"I don't know, maybe I'm just nervous." I admit, and he laughs.

"What's so funny?" I ask.

"I want to know why you'd be nervous to meet my parents." Rian says, quirking his eyebrow.

"Maybe I'm just shy around people." I say defensively, and he smiles.

"Alex, you can tell me whatever's on your mind. I just want you to be honest."

"What if they don't think that I'm good enough for you? What if they think that you could do better than me?" I ask worriedly.

"How could you possibly think that?"

"I don't know, I just do. I'm used to feeling like I'm not good enough, no matter how hard I try." I admit.

"You couldn't be more wrong. Alex, you're the definition of good enough. You're so much more than just good enough, and it's a shame that you don't realize that."

I was the favorite, according to my dad. Whenever he said that he loved us equally, I knew that he naturally loved me more. I was put on a pedestal by him, and when he died, it collapsed underneath me.

Everything did.

Nobody was there to call me their favorite, which I selfishly enjoyed. It just wasn't the same with her, no matter how hard I tried to connect to her. The abuse started shortly afterward, and I was the person that was hiding.

Every single day I woke up, and I put on my mask to disguise myself as being happy and carefree. But as soon as I got home, I tore it off of my skin like it was a bandaid so that I could reveal the wound that I thought was healed, but it never was. I thought that wound would be untreatable.

I was taught to tear myself apart.

Taught to feel like I wasn't ever going to be good enough for anyone.

Taught that I was scum.

That's why I'm nervous about the idea of meeting his parents, because if I can't even satisfy myself, how can I satisfy the two people who mean the most to him?

I

Don't

Know.

"Alexandrianna, you alright?" Rian asks, bringing me back from my thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking about what you just said, and everything that's happened to me."

"Listen to me when I tell you this, and I mean this truthfully. I understand that the pain that your mom has inflicted on you is still there, in fact, it might be a while until it all goes away for good. Take what she said, and replace them with positive thoughts and things that have happened. It'll get easier each day, and I'll guide you along the way if you can't find your footing. When you meet my parents, I want you to be honest and be yourself because that's the woman I fell in love with. You're you, and that's why I love you."

"Your past could've been anything, Alex. I'd still love you." Rian says, and his hands skim across my shoulder.

"I love you so fucking much."

We kiss again, and again, and again and again, becoming unaware of anything else as we focus on each other as we try to numb the pain we both feel. Soon he falls asleep again, and I watch his facial features relax, and I kiss his cheek before placing my head on his chest so I can listen to his heartbeat.

His heart thumps rhythmically into my ear, and it slowly drifts me away into a slumber again.

My dreams are vivid and evocative of things that have happened to me, and things that have been built up in my imagination. Some nightmares come, but Rian would pull me closer to him and whisper things into my ear to calm me down and make me fall asleep again, and in those moments I nearly cry because I realize how truly lucky I am.