Once we get home, I make my wake up the steps and into my room. I throw my crutches down, and I collapse onto the bed. My hair splaying and becoming tangled. I turn my phone off completely, and I just blankly stare off into space. My father's voice begins to ring in my head, and it turns into a compilation of the memories I had with him before he died. 

I would like to think he wouldn't be ashamed of me if he knew how much I despised my mother. I never wanted to make him disappointed, and I want to think that he'd be proud of me now regardless of how I've thought of taking myself out of this environment. There were times where the abuse got so bad that I thought of taking my own life, just so I could be with my father again. 

I need to speak to my mom. Get things off of my chest. Dr. Rian Peterson was right, and if I don't speak to her, things won't get resolved. The open wound will just continue to bleed instead of being taken care of. Yes, there will be a scar there, but it will be closed and forgotten about.

The door opens, and I see my mom standing there. She has a smile, and there's no real sign of any emotion she could be internally feeling. 

"Hey, do you want to talk now?" I ask.

"Sure." Mom says, and I sigh.

She doesn't have that smile on her face anymore, and I know something's not right. As she's stepping into the room, that expression doesn't leave her face, and I feel tense. As she approaches me, there's just a different look in her eyes from when she first walked in.

"Well, get everything you need to say off of your chest. I don't have all day." Mom angrily says, and I feel a weight in my stomach.

My fight or flight response instantly kicks in, and I'm not entirely sure if I should just try to get away from her or stay and calmly talk to her and try to resolve our situation.

"Mom, I just want to talk." I say calmly, trying not to set her off with rage.

I can tell she's getting mad.

It doesn't take very long for her to become enraged, and her balled fists and gritted teeth are a dead giveaway. My throat swells up as if I can't breathe, and I can't tell if I'm about to throw up or just simply pass out. 

"You told that bastard to keep me away from you, huh? You can't hide from me, Alex. Nice try, though." She sneers, and I gulp.

The rage in me flares, because Dr. Rian did nothing but help me and even let me confide in him about my issues in the short time that I stayed in the hospital, and he was a good shoulder to lean on for support even though I barely know him. 

"Dr. Rian is not a bastard, he was just looking out for me!" I exclaim.

"Oh please, you're such a weak little thing. Always needing someone else there for you, you need to suck it up."

Suck it up?

She's been abusing me for years, and I need someone to confide in, but I should just suck it up and stay silent?

I don't bother arguing back, so I just bite my lip and look away from her. There's a salty taste in my mouth, causing me to pucker my lips in disgust. I try to swallow the lump down my throat so that I don't cry in front of her because I'm sick of letting her believe that she won. 

"Mom, please, just listen." I say shakily.

"No, you listen. You're my daughter, you listen to me. You're gonna regret telling me to stay away, you little spoiled bitch." She spits, literally.

She spit in my face.

I cringe in disgust, and I wipe my face. My entire body is now shaking with fury, and I don't give a damn about trying to apologize to her or making things right. There's no way in hell that I can continue to let her do this to me.

"I didn't tell him to do that! He did it on his own because he was worried about me!" I shout defensively.

"When you get in from school tomorrow, we'll continue this conversation." She threatens, and there's a hostile look in her eyes.

My mother storms out of the room, slamming the door behind her, making me jump out of my skin. I grab one of my pillows, frustratedly screaming into it. There's definitely noting that can be done to help our relationship. It's past the point of no return.

No matter how hard I try, that woman still resents me, so I won't even bother anymore.

~~~

My nightmares stay in my head all day, distracting me from my school work. My pencil remains on my desk, and my paper is blank while everyone else is working and quietly talking. 

In one of the nightmares, I'm in a car accident, just like my dad was, and she's the one who takes me off of life support. There's a copious amount of nightmares that I had last night, but all of them ended the same way.

I end up dying.

But at least when I die, I'll be with my father again. There's nothing more that I want then being in his fatherly embrace again, and he'd smooth my hair with his hands, telling me that everything would be alright. Sometimes, I can see the gates of heaven opening up, and he's standing there, waiting for me. I'd go running into his arms, giving him the highest hug I've ever given him, and we'd be reunited once again. 

"Alex...?" A voice chirps.

"Hmm?" I say, staring down at my paper.

"You alright?" She says.

I look up and I see Savannah, and I slightly roll my eyes at her. There's no reason behind it other than the fact that I'm on edge for what my mother has to say to me when I get home from school today. 

"Okay, never mind. Sorry for trying to check in on my friend." Savannah replies, and the sarcasm in her voice sends me over the edge.

"Shut the fuck up, Vannah." I grumble and run my hand through my hair.

Her eyes widen in surprise, and she looks hurt, but she doesn't say anything. She just continues working, and I can tell that she occasionally takes a glance at me. I just want to be left alone, because if someone keeps bugging me enough, I'll explode.

I shouldn't be this rude to her just because I'm having problems of my own. I'm still slightly angry at her for bringing up Austin, but I should let it go. It happened over two years ago. 

I'm being petty. 

I decide to drop the idea from my mind, and I place my head onto the desk before falling asleep only to be awoken by the bell a few minutes later.

~~~

At lunch, Xiu and Savannah have an animated discussion about something, but I don't bother to listen. My mothers voice still echoes in my head, and I'm dreading going home. The thought of what's going to happen to me, makes me feel queasy.

"You okay?" Xiu asks through a mouth full of food.

"I'll be right back, okay?" I say, holding onto my stomach as I stand.

"Alex?" Xiu calls out.

I slowly make my way out of the cafeteria on my crutches, and I make my way to the bathroom. I push a stall open, and I shove my fingers down my throat to get it over with. It leaves a burning sensation in my throat, and I wipe my mouth off.

"Oh, God." I groan.

I sit on the toilet, and rest my chin in my hands. My body starts to shake like an earthquake, and my palms are clammy. My heart hammers in my throat, and I feel a cold sweat forming on my forehead. My hands are trembling now, and my throat feels clogged. Like I can't breathe.

What's happening?

I stand up, and I'm overwhelmed with dizziness, and I sit down on the toilet again. I put a hand to my chest, and my heart is thumping so hard that I can feel it.

Am I having a panic attack?

It's been so long since I've had one that I almost didn't remember how they feel, maybe because I learned how to conceal them in front of my mother before venting to Xiu and Savannah.

I can't quite seem to stand, because my legs are shaking.

How am I going to get out of here like this?

My vision is blacking, and then it's completely dark.

~~~

I wake up in the nurses office, and I have an ice bag being pressed against my skull. I look over, and I see that it's Savannah holding the bag on my head. The brightness of the ceiling light makes my head hurt even worse, so I just close my eyes again.

"What the hell happened to me?" I mumble.

"They say someone found you in a bathroom stall, passed out, apparently." Savannah informs me, and I groan.

"First I dislocate my knee, and now this."

Just my luck.

I feel my phone slowly sliding out of my pocket, and I catch it quickly. I turn it on, and a plethora of text messages appear in on the screen.

Mom: get your ass home now!

Mom: I swear to god if you don't answer these texts it's going to be worse for you.

Mom: you're going to regret everything you've said to me, little girl.

Mom: I can't wait until you get here.

Mom: you can't avoid me, you'll come back sooner or later.

My heart drops, and I swallow nervously. Of course to make this situation even worse, my mother is going to beat me when I walk in the house.

"Savannah, I'm sorry if I'm being a bitch to you, it's just something's been bothering me since I got home from the hospital." I admit.

"What is it? Is it...you know...your mom?" Savannah asks curiously, whispering towards the end of her question.

"Yeah, I'll tell you later. She wants me to be home."

I get up, and I wave goodbye to Savannah. I go to my car, and start driving home. I probably shouldn't be driving because of the light concussion, but I've had worse.

One time, I had to get stitches. My mother didn't even show any signs of guilt, and I would've been surprised if they did. My little brothers cheered me up in the hospital, and I called my sister to feel better. 

I go through the front door, and I see nobody in the house. There's an uneasy, slightly haunting silence. I'm the only one here because Caleb and Spencer are still at school, and I have no idea where my mother is.

All of sudden, I feel hands grab me by the shoulders, and I get shoved into the wall. Horror streams through my blood, and I turn around and see my mom, giving me a sinister stare.

"Where were you?" She calmly asks.

My mother saying that so calmly is almost more scary than when she's already shouting.

That calmness in her voice is eerie, and I know it's going to explode like a volcano.

"I fainted at school, and I woke up at the nurses office." I mewl.

"Don't lie to me!" She yells, and punches me in the face.

Blood pours from my nose, and tears run down my face. My body is trembling with fear as I continue to look at her. There's a certain nerve that has been struck, and I know that it isn't going to be good. 

"I'm not!" I say through a sob.

My body is shaking, and I have my arms in front of my face for protection. She kicks my bad knee, and I yelp. My father's face flashes in my mind, and this causes me to start crying. I just wish he was here right now and hold me in his arms and make everything right. I just want him to come and rescue me from this hell. 

"Stop!" I beg, and my crying is hysterical now.

She hits me in the stomach, and I kneel over in pain, clutching onto my stomach. I cower on the ground, and my body is trembling with fear. She punches me in the face again, and in the chest. The pain surges throughout my entire body, and I cry out in pain. 

I don't bother trying to defend myself because she's much stronger than me, so it would be pointless. It's like putting a pitbull against a chihuahua, you already know which would win. I'm defenseless as she continues to have her way with me, and the tears continue to stream down my face. 

"I'm sorry!" I yell, and my crying is loud and pained.

I don't know why I'm saying sorry, because I have nothing to be apologetic for, but I want her to stop hurting me. I just want it to end so that I can be by myself and try to recover in peace.

"You're lucky that I was easy on you." She growls and then walks out of the house.

I hear her car start up, and she drives away. Leaving me alone in the house, on the ground in blood and tears.