Love. It's all about love in the end. And it's the one thing I thought I never had. I actually do, but I overlooked it. Tom, Ellen, the other dancers...they are my family. They are the ones who are always there and the ones who always took care of me. Somehow I failed to see it and sought shelter in Adrian. I was ready to give up on everything just to have him. The big beautiful cities, all the art in the world, music and other magnificent things waiting out there for me meant nothing. Because when I slept in his arms he was all those things. But he failed me.

Now I learned that I am vulnerable and extremely sensitive. In order to protect myself, I must be careful on how much I let people in and who I let in. Ellen's advice was crystal clear - it's worth it only if a guy is the right one, but you can't know that now. And I told myself that I must take a risk. That's wrong, I shouldn't give up on any more things for men that might not be worth it. It's time they give up something for me.

"You should go." I broke the 2am silence that Julian and I created by only staring at the ceiling and cherishing each other's company.

"What? I don't understand." He became slightly agitated, afraid to hear the explanation.

"I'm leaving. I know I said I'll stay but we are building our happiness on a revenge, and no matter how much he deserved it, it can't work like that." It hurts me that this is the truth but it is how it is.

"But we can build it on other things. I will give you anything you want." Grabbing my hand, he urged me to stay.

"I'm sure you would. But I would be empty without dancing and I gave up too much for him. He crushed me and I became paranoid. There is nothing you can do." I don't know where these words are coming from but I'm putting all my cards on the table.

"Okay." He got off the bed and put on his tshirt. His short reply took me by surprise.

"Okay? That's all you have to say?" He has been nice to me and I am the one choosing to leave so I don't know why I think I have the right to expect him to say something more.

"Well what else do you want me to say?" He opened his arms in defeat and desperation. "I am a grownup, but just like you I have issues. I feel lonely at night. Just like you I need to be cared for and shown love. I've been crushed and hurt too, and yes I can chase you and make you feel wanted all you like, but it takes two to tango." He paused, zipping his pants while I still laid on the bed. "So go on, take that job and I hope it makes you happy. I'm not sarcastic, I really do. Goodbye Lana."

As he turned to leave, I replied, "Goodbye Julian."

He shut the door behind him and his words began sinking in. He is right. Men need care and attention too. But I am not able to give it yet.

___

I only slept for three hours before getting on the train. My luggage is small but holds all my belongings. The apartment which Tom booked for the few of us got filled as another girl took my place. She went there before me and couldn't find anywhere else to stay so I let her have my spot. I will stay at some cheap motel. At least it will be quiet and I'll get some sleep which I really need considering that I dozed off in the taxi on my way to the station.

The journey itself didn't last long. I wish I could've stayed awake and observed the beautiful landscape through the window, but I was exhausted. I picked the first motel I found and the lady at reception was way too nosey and inquisitive. Her unnecessary questions about whether I'll be having a 'gentleman' over were rather annoying, but I guess not a lot of people stay there. If I had no life I'd probably be the same.

My stomach made a loud noise reminding me that I'm hungry. Unbothered to unpack, I quickly went out to search for a place to eat. There aren't many restaurants near by except for a traditional diner. However I wanted to rush back and only got something quick from the bakery.

I slept through the entire afternoon and woke up in the evening. I watched some movies on the tv before returning back to sleep. The recent events resulted in many sleepless nights and my fatigue accumulated. Tomorrow I will explore the town and maybe even buy something nice. The work doesn't start until next week so I have plenty of time to settle and relax.

When I told Ms Heilig the other day that I'm leaving, it made her sad. I couldn't believe it considering that she never spoke to me during work, but she said she would miss me. It pains her that her son will leave as well. She is a lonely woman. Ellen and Valentin are still moving around, coming here then going back, because she has some things to sort about Sam's kindergarten and other stuff.

It's a strange thing when one travels because in one moment your are in one place, in the other you are somewhere else, yet it feels like there have been days in between. When I think of Julian going home and me getting on the train few hours later, it feels like a distant memory. I feel somewhat relieved now that it is all behind me, especially since I got my closure with Adrian and there is no heaviness in my chest anymore.

This week I am off and with no responsibilities. I'm making it a point not to use any social media so I deinstalled all the apps for the time being. The only people who can contact me are the ones who have my phone number. I am drained of energy and need some me time in order to charge my batteries, since the work environment will change as the club is now much larger. Hopefully men will leave me alone...