Despite being twenty-eight years old, almost a decade older than me, Ellen is too vanilla to be able to understand my relationship with Adrian. That is why I left most details out when I told her about it. I am an inexperienced girl, sometimes naive, but I read enough books to know what kind of man he is. Sure, I have some vanilla needs such as cuddles and romantic gestures every now and then, but if a relationship was based just on that it would be boring. What Adrian and I are getting into excites me, it makes me feel alive. My life has been empty for too long and I crave to feel something intense. Even if that something is a heartbreak.

"Lana there is something I need to open up about too." Ellen said once we finished discussing Adrian. We were at her house instead of mine.

"Go on. You know you can tell me anything." Realising she was worried, I reassured her to speak about it. I leaned back holding my cup of coffee and made myself comfortable to listen.

"Please don't judge..." She started off and I shook my head reassuring her once again. "Sam will start school eventually and with that will come expenses. It's already difficult for us and unlike you, I don't have two jobs. I can't work during the day as well because I'll spend too much time away from him and the nanny is expensive enough as it is." Her eyes looked tired and based on her messy red hair that hasn't been dyed on time, she has been stressed lately.

"So what do you have in mind?" I asked assuming this was the introduction to what she was about to tell me.

"You know how some girls at the club are prostitutes. Well God knows I don't have a stomach for that, but it gave me an idea..." She hesitated but I motioned for her to continue. "I thought of doing lives on porn websites." Shame appeared on her face once she said it and she looked down.

I thought about it and considered it for a minute or more, weighing pros and cons. But for a girl like her there were be more cons. I sighed.

"First of all, I am not judging you. But my advice is not to do it. You have a boy who will one day be grown enough to know what these things are. Sooner or later someone you know will see you on there, and you know children, they'll bully him." I explained from my point of view and she seemed to understand.

"But what do you suggest I do?" She asked in desperation.

"Find a job that has shifts while he is in the kindergarten. Honestly what you turned to is a tough job but also an easy way out. Be patient until you find something good, it will pay off in the long run. You managed with this amount of money so far, you'll manage a little bit longer. I'll look for jobs for you too." Giving her my honest advice, I concluded. She looked somewhat relived and I don't blame her for getting this idea. Sometimes when you think about something too much in your own head, you make the issue more complicated. But seeing someone else's perspective can help make it more simple.

___

Adrian said he won't come to see me dance this night because something important popped up. I didn't want to seem nosy but I asked what it was to which he replied 'long story'. It bothers me how he keeps his personal life hidden and I don't know anything about it. I can understand that we met recently and became close only yesterday, but I expect him to share more in the future. Anyway, I'm not just a pole dancer for him anymore so no excuses.

One thing that I couldn't help but notice when I arrived to the club was Scarlett's obvious absence. She seemed to be in a bad mood and it didn't take me long to figure out why. I partly felt responsible but I had a thing with Adrian before her so I won't allow myself to feel guilt. Even her dancing has been slacking tonight.

I was stopped from observing her by Tom who approached me as soon as he saw me. He asked if I was fine because of that man who jumped me. Then he pointed out that I didn't respond to any of his calls and I apologised saying I needed some time alone. I reassured him that I'm completely fine now and that I'll be more careful when going home. He even offered to walk me back when Ellen isn't giving me a ride, but I told him that it's not necessary and that I appreciate the offer.

Apart from Scarlett's apparent moodiness and Tom's concern, nothing much happened. I danced, took my usual break, danced again and went home with Ellen.

The following day I worked at the library and Ms Heilig was back to her usual self. She was quiet and distant, not even close to being as energetic as that time when she was advising me. During my break I didn't go to the coffee shop like I usually do but I met up with Tom instead.

He called me in the morning asking if I wanted a ring light. Basically at the club we have ring lights in the dressing room to see better when we do our makeup and to take some sexy pictures for the club's website. I didn't take those as I opted not to be on it. So apparently Tom bought new ones to replace the old ones and gave them away to the girls, one of them being me. Once a girl told me I look modelesque and should contact a modeling agency. I actually liked the idea and sent applications to several but some refused me saying I'm too short, and some didn't contact me at all. Maybe in the future I apply to one accepting petite models. But until then I got an idea to make an Instagram account and create an aesthetic feed. I could use the ring light and pose like a model at home, maybe also post pics of random items in between.

___

Another evening at the club and Adrian couldn't come. Again. I mean I don't expect him to spend every night there anyway, but when he was with Scarlett he used to. However he sent me a text saying he would come to pick me up after I finish. I agreed to it because there is nothing better for me to do anyway. And I want to see him.

Scarlett gave me these odd looks the entire evening and probably some of the girls told her that Adrian had a thing with me before her. But there is no way she could know that he left her to be with me so I don't see the reason for bitchy looks.

Adrian picked me up with his vespa saying he was hungry, so we went to a fast food restaurant. It was about to close so we got takeaway instead of eating there and went to that same apartment like last time.

It felt so unusual for me to get food with him and go to his place. When he used to come see me at the club it was all formal between us. Now we are comfortable with one another but don't really know each other. We meet outside the club, he slept at my apartment, he saw me naked, we got takeaway and we made this relationship between us somewhat official. Yet he is still a total stranger to me.

"You couldn't come tonight." I started off in an attempt to get him to tell me what he did. Again, I didn't want to be nosy but I wish to know more about his daily life.

"No, family stuff. How was it?" He changed the subject immediately and I decided to let it go because if I pressured him he could find me annoying.

"Fine. But Scarlett gave me bitchy looks all night." I brought it up.

"Oh I should've told you. She knows about us because she kept on calling and insisting for me to tell her why I ended it. I said I was back with someone from before and she figured it out." He said finishing off his food and I sighed feeling guilty.

"I feel bad that you just left her like that. She might feel used." I think she definitely was used.

"Nah, she isn't a saint. She's been with more guys than she can count and she is troubled. Does wrong stuff with wrong people." Despite helping me to stop feeling guilty, he made me slightly worried.

"And you told her you're with me. Great!" I was sarcastic in order to show him that it wasn't wise to be on bad terms with a girl like that.

"You're definitely on her bad side now but she'll get over it soon. If she gives you any trouble call me." I just nodded in response.

"I want to make an Instagram account." I changed the subject and he looked at me, raising an eyebrow. We were sitting on the covered couch like last time and food was between us. Since we both finished eating I moved everything to the table, then leaned back.

"I'd like to post pictures of myself, I think it's fun taking them." I explained but he didn't seem to get it.

"Can't you just take them for yourself." He asked.

"It's nice to share." Not understanding why I needed to explain myself so much, I thought of changing the subject again.

"Fine. When you make it you'll give me the username and password." His request stunned me and I thought twice before answering.

"Why?" Was all I could think of.

"Just do as told and don't ask many questions." Dominance appeared in his voice and with the stern look he gave me, I couldn't help but succumb.

"Yes sir." I sighed.

A tiny part of me found it a little toxic of him to want to control me in such a way, but I chose to ignore it. Subconsciously I know it's wrong and I should stand my ground but I never had anyone give me all this attention and I don't want to lose it. Besides, I promised to submit.