《The Ecstasy Of Faking It》Chapter 42: Lethal promises.
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We reached a pan brick building that had a ladder attached to the side of it, I looked at Adrian and he looked at me.
"There's no way I'm climbing up there." I shook my head in disapproval.
"Why not?" He asked.
"I don't do well with heights." I said, already stressing out.
"Seriously?" He narrowed his eyes at me, I nodded.
"Seriously." I looked up at the building.
"Okay, how about this, if you climb up there with me. I'll let you read your novels to me for the entire summer." He declared, I looked at him and my mouth fell open.
It wasn't like I hadn't been begging to read my novels to him or anything.
"You're shitting me."
"I shit you not." He laughed the words.
I felt the excitement in my stomach.
"Deal." I started climbing the ladder, trying my best not to look down. I reached the top of the building and my stomach knotted at how high up I was, it wasn't that high but it looked that high to me. I shut my eyes and hitched my breath as I waited for Adrian.
"Okay, now what's happening?" I heard him ask.
"I'm panicking the fuck out." I kept my eyes shut.
I felt him hold my hand.
"Emily, open your eyes." He said in a lazy tone, I opened one eye.
He led me to the edge of the building, I refused to look down at the street as Adrian took a seat, his legs dangling on the edge as he looked up at me. I shook my head.
"Nope."
"C'mon baby, you've come this far." He pointed out, I was still shaking my head. "I'll catch you if you fall like freaking Superman, I promise." He assured me, extending his hand towards me.
Curse my love for this guy.
For the second time that night, I took his hand and carefully sat down next to him.
"Oh my God." My hands tightly closed around his arm, he smiled at me amusingly.
"It's not funny."
"No, it's cute."
"This is why you're not going to be making a lot of friends in Hollywood." I said to him, he nodded like he was agreeing with me.
"I don't want any more friends, you're enough." He looked at the other lined buildings.
Was that him telling me that we were going to remain friends? Just friends? Did people really do that? Become just friends with the people they loved?
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"I don't want to." I said out loud.
"What?" He looked at me.
"I don't want to be friends with you." I repeated.
"Emily, please don't do this to me." He shook his head when he saw the look on my face.
"Depends. Are we going to do long distance or not?" I asked the question that we both avoided.
"I already told you, I can't promise you something that I'm not capable of fulfilling." His expression turned serious and he didn't meet my eyes.
"How exactly are you not capable of fulfilling a long distance relationship?" I laughed at how ridiculous he sounded.
"Emily, I'm only eighteen okay? I know I'll end up doing something that will hurt you and I don't want to break your heart and I also don't want you to break mine." He said, looking at the buildings.
"We'll have an open relationship." I suggested for the second time, a muscle in his jaw twitched.
"That doesn't sound very pleasing to me and honestly, I don't think I can stomach the idea of you fucking another guy, I just can't." He turned to meet my eyes.
My throat tightened as I looked into his eyes, he was serious. He really wanted us to end it after summer.
"So no long distance?" I asked him.
"No." He looked down at the street.
"Then I don't want you calling me." I declared, he turned to look at me again.
"Emily, no."
"If you won't be my boyfriend then what exactly are you going to be, my friend?" I chuckled at the word.
"Yes." He said in an obvious tone. I rolled my eyes and looked elsewhere.
"No. I don't think so. If we break up but continue talking to each other then I'm never going to move on from you, and even if I do, I'll keep comparing you to whoever I'll end up dating and I don't want to be that kind of person." I said to him.
"So you're literally telling me to erase you from my life?" He asked.
"No, I'm telling you not to call me." I lied, I was telling him to erase me from his life because that was exactly what I was going to do.
"You have to be fucking kidding me."
"I'm just playing along with something that you started." I shrugged.
"Emily, I said I didn't want to make you lethal promises, I didn't say I wanted to lose you." He said.
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I didn't respond at first, I wanted to tell him that I didn't want to lose him either but I had to make him change his mind one way or another.
"You already did, Adrian. I don't think I want to talk to you if-"
"Shut up, just stop talking, you're pissing me off." He said through gritted teeth.
I wanted him to change his mind so bad but of course, he didn't.
"Okay." Responded after a while.
"Okay?" I asked in disbelief.
"Why do you sound all fucking surprised, isn't that what you were expecting me to say?" He sounded upset.
"Don't snap at me, I'm just surprised that you actually want us to end this way." I mumbled underneath my tone.
He sighed, "I don't, Emily, I really don't but-"
"Then change your mind, Adrian. Please change your mind." I pleaded.
"I can't, I'm sorry but I can't." He muttered.
I told myself not to cry, he was being an asshole and he wasn't worth crying for at that point.
"Adrian, do you wanna know who said don't give up on love, let love give up you?"
"No." He said.
"An anonymous person." I told him anyway, "I thought, maybe he or she gave up on love and ended up regretting it for the rest of their life."
"Maybe." He huffed.
"And then Neil Gaiman said, not only are there no happy endings, there aren't even any endings. So when you really think about it, we were going to end either way." My tone cracked.
I swallowed and breathed hard.
I suddenly felt like going back in time, back to the day I asked him to fake date me, I should have just walked out of his house in peace that morning. I didn't regret having him in my life but it was too much, the pain I felt was too heavy to carry and I knew the end was coming. The heart shattering ending was coming and I couldn't do anything to change it.
"I'm gonna make you a promise." He broke the silence.
"I don't want it." I wiped a tear that rolled down my cheek. I felt so fucking weak crying over shit every time.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him and kissing the side of my head.
"How big do you think the world is?" He whispered.
"The world isn't big at all, Adrian." I rolled my eyes.
"I don't think so, I think it's pretty big, big enough to separate us." He said.
"That's because you're letting it separate us." I said more to myself.
"Yeah, maybe I am but I'll be able to see how small it is someday."
"Then what?" I questioned.
"And then, I'm going to be able to look for you in every corner of the earth."
"And when you find me?"
"You and I will get married on a beach, we'll live in a quiet beach house and we'll wake up next to each other every day and then we're going to make babies, lots of them." He told me, I couldn't help but laugh at his daydreaming story.
That sounded a lot like forever.
"I thought you didn't want to make lethal promises." I looked at him.
"Promises I can't keep yes, but Emily I don't think anyone will ever be able to make me feel like this." There was that glint of faith in his eyes.
"I thought you said you're only eighteen." I said.
"Exactly, I'm only eighteen but I already know that you're it for me." He stroked my cheek with his thumb, I felt so out of breath.
"What if I love someone else?" I asked.
"Love someone else but don't fall in love with someone else, please. Don't fall in love with someone else?" He was asking me.
I couldn't make that promise, It wasn't up to me to make that decision.
I cleared my throat, "What if I fall in love with someone else?"
"Then I'll be ruined for the rest of my life." He sounded pretty serious but it still sounded funny to me.
"Adrian, please don't be ruined." I laughed.
"I'm serious, Emily. hold on for me?" He asked, his gaze searching my face.
A voice inside my head whispered to say don't do it, don't you dare lie to this boy.
But I was in love so..
"Sure, I'll hold on for you." I ignored the voice. He didn't look so convinced.
"Forever?" He held out his pinky finger, looking at it, I smiled.
"Forever." I entwined his pinky finger with mine.
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