Ariya

Denial is such a dangerous feelings.

No wants to believe something they don't want to. They'll do absolutely anything to convince themselves that they aren't what other people are saying.

No one wants to be a villain.

Except, I knew I was one.

Since the day I made the decision to hide Rylan from Khyson I regretted it. But I was too damn selfish to admit it.

Who does that?

Who hides their son from their father.

I ached for reassurance, for someone to hold my body and tell me im not selfish. But I knew that relief wasn't coming.. anytime soon.

Kamerons words were true.

So we're Khyson's.

I shouldn't have told Kameron about Khyson's past, if he hadn't told him it was not my place. Shit, im such a Bad friend.

I'm a bad friend, mother, lover.

Maybe I didn't deserve to be Rylans mother, i didn't deserve Khyson's love, or Williams.

Even though my truths are out there, a little piece of me still wishes things would go back to normal, but does that make me selfish? I am selfish for wanting to go back to a simpler time?

A time were Khyson was across the country, Rylan was a baby who could barely form coherent sentences. When I was somewhat.. happy.

I've never had it good, Kameron was right. My pain and suffering couldn't be used as an excuse anymore.

All the pain was overtaking me, my chest felt like a rack of fire, I shut my eyes when the stall began to close in on me. I just wanted to go away? Disappear and make the pain go away.

"Ariya."

I could hear his voice as his fist banged on the stall.

I shut his voice out and tucked my head deeper into my legs.

"Unlock the stall, please."

I shook my head, covering my ears with my palms.

"You're okay, You're okay, You're okay." I mumbled, and mumbled and mumbled.

I stumbled forward and gripped the toilet bowl with my hands, spilling my dinner from last night into the bowl.

"Ariya! Let me in!" His voice pounded against my head.

I loosened my limbs and slid down the side of the stall, sloppily wiping my mouth with my wrist.

I didn't deserve what I had.

I heard a bang when the stall whipped opened and Khyson's large frame bent down in front of me.

"Ariya."

I remained silent, trying to calm my breathing down. Yet every inhale seemed to be a struggle.

It wasn't working.

I closed my lips, trying to suck in a breath with my palms to the floor and my head up to the ceiling.

"Ariya, breathe."

"I don't deserve you." I whispered.

"What?"

"Just take, Rylan. Youll be a better parent then I could ever be." I sobbed, twisting my neck to the left so he wouldn't see me.

"I can't take all this pain anymore, just go, Khyson." I begged under my breath, still gasping for breaths.

"Ariya-"

"Please." My voice broke.

"Please, Khyson."

I could see the pain in his eyes when I locked eyes with him.

Khyson

It was the sound of her begging, begging me to take her son, begging me to leave, begging me for the pain to go away.

It hurt.

So god damn bad.

I scooted in front of her and wrapped my arms around her body. Despite her thrashing she finally stilled and I leaned back on the adjacent side of the stall.

With her between my legs. I could feel her tears seeping through the button up. I stroked her hair lightly, hoping her breathing would calm down.

I was angry and Ariya, but that doesn't mean I ever stopped caring for her, I never stopped.

I was furious when she told me, I wanted to leave and never come back, I wanted to smash a whole right through her table, take Rylan away from her excuse of motherhood. I believed she deserved nothing. I took out my energy by ranting to Kameron.

With all these people around me, angering me.

Until I was alone with my pool of scattered thoughts.

I thought for a moment, what would I have done in that situation.

Stuck with a baby and a father who's going off to per sue his dreams.

Because well.. her words were true a baby would have pre occupied me, and I don't truly know if I would've been where I am now.

She did what was best for.. me. And yet still managed to create this beautiful life for our son.

That night I laid in bed it dawned me.

I was a father, I thought about it but I don't think it hit me hard enough until last night.

I hadn't realized when her breathing calmed and I read just us, my fingers delicately stroking her hair. Her head laying right under my chin.

"I'm sorry." I heard her whisper.

"For what?" I asked softly.

There was a pause. She lifted her head and stared sadly up at me.

"Everything."

"Don't." I spoke.

"Look me in my eyes and tell me you don't deserve an apology."

I grew quiet because no matter how much I denied it, despite my cockiness, I did need one.

"I'm sorry, Khyson. I'm sorry for everything, I'm so, so sorry." Her voice hit my heart like tons of bricks. I gulped back my pride and kept our eyes locked.

"Ok." I nodded.

"Ok." She repeated.

There was a silence, a calm silence that we enjoyed.

"I love you." She told me. I smiled, her hands coming up as her thumb ran over my dimple.

"I love you too, Ariya."

Her cheek rested on my chest, right over the tattoo. I shifted my back so she laid more comfortably.

"I'm a terrible mother." She spoke.

"You're not."

"I just told you to take Rylan and go, which sane mother does that?" She asked herself. I twirled a strand of her hair around my index finger and sighed softly.

"Not every mother has been through what you're going through. Just because you're a mother doesn't mean you have to be perfect twenty four seven. People fuck up, it's life. You just get up and keeping going."

I could feel her lips curl into a smile.

"I don't deserve you." She sighed sadly.

"I'm not all that." I chuckled lowly.

"You are, you really are."

"You're supposed to be mad at me." She whispered, sniffing back at her nose.

I leaned my head back and looked up, continuing to play with her hair.

"I was mad, but I understand now.. I get it, Ariya. You were a kid, we were just kids. I can't imagine how much that was, I was too brutal with you. I know you might think you deserved that but.. you didn't." I told her truthfully. I noticed her shiver when I used my left hand to rub the skin of her arms.

"You regret anything?"

Her body stiffened at my words.

Her spine straightened and she lifted her head to stare forward at me. There was a sympathetic curl at her lips when her hand rose to stroke my stubble ever so lightly. I then rose my hand from her hair and placed it over hers, interlocking our fingers.

"When I made the decision I believed I was doing what was best for you and Rylan. As he started to grow up, anything he did reminded me of you. The way he separated his Oreos and licked the cream, the dimples on his cheeks when he laughter." When she said that her fingers cascaded over my cheeks.

"It got to the point that whenever he looked at me all I saw was, you. The reminders built my regret, and I hated that. I hated that my son brought me regret. When I moved here, and saw you for the first time I wanted to leave, I wanted to pack our bags and never come back. When I realized that this job would provide for us I stayed, and planned to avoid you." She had to take a breath before speaking again.

"But then we began to get closer, and closer. I believed that my decisions put me in this place, that maybe if I had just told you I wouldn't have to do this. I hurt, Khyson. It hurt seeing your face everyday knowing you didn't know your son. Then we.. slept together.. twice. I was feeling this connection with you, and hurt because I was lying to you. I couldn't allow myself to be happy, all I wanted to do was tell you, I was afraid you would take Rylan away from me."

His brows furrowed before I kept talking.

"I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't keep seeing you gain such a strong bond with him, and when you asked me if he was your son I panicked, I was afraid that maybe.. if you did want to be with me it would be because of Rylan, I didn't want to live on this, forced relationship."

She laughed, wiping her cheeks lightly.

"So yeah, I regret not telling you about Rylan, I regret keeping this from you, I regret lying to your face. You deserve so much better, Khyson."

I took a moment to absorb her words, letting them flow through my mind.

"I do love you, Ariya."

She remained silent.

"You took care of me when we were kids, now it's my turn. Okay?" I reassured her.

I could feel her head nod against my chest.

"So.."

Her body stiffened at my words, waiting for me to continue.

"I'm a dad?" I laughed softly. Her palms met my chest when she pushed herself up and stared at me with pure admiration. Her eyes gleamed with true happiness for once.

"Yeah." She nodded with a smile.

"Fuck." I muttered in disbelief.

I think a wave of relief washed over her, she needed that reassurance. Someone to coax her with that "okay-ness".

"I love you."