Ariya

"What?" I asked, receding my body back from his. My body began to break out in a hot sweat.

"You heard me, Ariya." He kept his head down, repeating his words.

"Why would you think that?" I asked, tapping my foot on the seat.

"It's just, the timeline matches, he-his hair i-"

Find out if he truly loves you first.

"No, he's not." I quickly snapped back.

I began to think he wasn't speaking because he hadn't known what to say, but now I feel as if he was speechless. I wasn't ready, this wasn't how it was supposed to play out.

I began to push myself off his body and he seemed to have no intention on stopping me.

"I'm sorry." He spoke.

I quickly pulled all my clothes on.

I couldn't keep myself together. He was apologizing for something that he didn't need to because it was true. The thought crossed my mind, he's been thinking about it. Is that why he's been spending so much time with Rylan? Being so nice to me?

I needed to cry, I just wanted to lay in bed and cry.

"Ariya."

I forced my eyes open so the tears wouldn't fall, trying to tug on the door handle. Tugging and tugging and tugging it was locked.

"Let me out please." I whispered.

"It's late, Ariya. I'm not letting you out, it's not safe." He rested his hands sternly on the wheel of the car.

"I'll pick up, Rylan let's just go."

I realized that if I walked I wouldn't be able to pick up Rylan. I settled myself in the passengers seat, twisting my neck to the right and gazing at the darkened lake.

"Ok." I spoke.

I couldn't face him because the tears were already falling, I just needed to compose myself before Rylan saw me, that's what matters, Rylan.

Rylan.

After getting all of his clothes on he shifted the car into reverse and drove out of the area.

I glanced up at his reflection from the window, his features were softened and pained, his eyes hooded and his brows dropped. Until my eyes locked with his and I immediately looked down.

I've already let out too much, where the tears seemed to never stop.

Suddenly the car stopped and the house came into my view.

"Ariya."

I pulled the mirror out of the roof of the car and began blotting my eyes with my fingers, wiping the redness from my cheeks.

"Here." I glanced to my right to see him with a black handkerchief in his hand.

"Thanks." I mumbled, grabbing it while cleaning myself up.

I heard the locks unlock before walking out and ringing the doorbell. I stood on the porch for a while until the door opened.

"Hey, Ariya. Rylan's just getting his shoes on." Rylans, friends dad spoke to me. What was it? Julie? Calvin? One of them.

"You okay?" He asked, leaning on the frame of the door. I nodded with a small smile, he looked into my eyes before nodding.

"Cole on, Rylan. Your mum's waiting." He disappeared behind the door frame before coming back with Rylan.

"Mama!" He smiled. I scooped him up into my arms and hugged his small body.

"I missed you." I smiled, kissing his cheeks.

"I missed you more." He told me.

"Say bye." I told him.

"Bye!" He waved.

The door closed and I carefully stepped down the steps.

"Khyson's gonna drive us home, okay?" I whispered into his ear.

I got us both into the backseat and situated him on my lap since his booster wasn't with me. He played with my hands.

"Hi, Khyson!" He beamed.

Khyson plastered on a wide smile on his face and stared back at him through the rear view mirror.

"Hey, buddy." He smiled, keeping the interaction short.

The whole car ride Rylan played with my fingers as I buried my nose in his head, closing my eyes. I loved laying with Rylan, he calmed me.

I remember when I had just finished school and we were moving a bunch, he was just a baby. We were in this one apartment for a couple weeks, while I was making the final payments on the one we have now.

We were on an inflatable mattress, just us. I would curl him into my side every night, having conversations with him, we had each other.

"I love you." I whispered.

He craned his neck back, upside down looking up at him with a small giggle.

"I love you more."

"Mhm, not possible."

-

"Go wait for me in the bathroom, okay?" I asked, patting his back before he nodded and ran down the short hall.

"Thanks for the ride." I turned around and faced him awkwardly.

"It's no problem." He responded.

"Well, have a good night." I smiled, lifting my leg to grasp my heel and push the door closed. Until his hand intercepted the door and I stumbled back a bit.

I opened the door and continued removing my shoes.

"I'm sorry, I don't want things to be weird, again." He spoke, stuffing his hands in his pocket with a worried sigh.

I placed my shoes on the small rack by the door and stared back up at him, blankly.

"I don't want things to be weird either, I'm just tired." I shrugged my shoulders and unhooked my necklace. He watched me tentatively with a small smile.

"I'll go, if you need me I'm a call away." He gently shook his phone, indicating that I could call him.

"Bye."

"Bye, Ariya."

I shut the door and locked the deadbolts. Pressing my back against the door. I bit my lip while looking up, my head hit the wood and I shut my eyes closed.

I couldn't go back in there in this state. As much as I've broken down, Rylan's never seen it. I'm always composed with him, always. I refuse to show him anything other than a smile, he looks up to me, how would he feel when he sees his mother broken down, so weak and vulnerable.

I stepped into the kitchen and splashed some cold water on my face. The water coated my pores and I dried my face with the underside of my dress.

Walking into the bathroom to help Rylan into the tub.

He sat inside and I sat on my knees by the edge. Rylan asked for more bubbles and I added more soap.

I spent the rest of the time with him, listening to him tell me all about the things he did at Julie's house.

-

"Can I sleep with you?" He asked, holding onto my thigh. I nodded, running a hand over his head. I patted his back lightly and watched him jump onto my bed. I walked into the bathroom in my room and pulled my hair into a ponytail. Washing my face and slipping under the covers with him.

He clung to my side whilst resting his head on my chest, I stroked his skin.

"Are you angry at Khyson?" He asked. I had just turned the lamp off when we were both engulfed into the darkness, making his facial features completely anonymous to me.

"Why would you think that?"

"You weren't like how you always are." He spoke.

"It's nothing to worry about, I'm not mad at him."

"Ok."

We stayed unmoving for a bit, and I knew he was awake since his foot was moving up and down my leg. I hugged him tighter and smiled to myself.

"I love you, and you know nothing would change that, right?"

"Of course." He chuckled.

"Today Julies dad told me to ask my dad when we could have a sleepover, I told him I don't have one." He spoke out of no where, like he was reading my mind.

"You know you have a dad, baby." I pressed my lips to his forehead.

"Where is he?"

"We've been over this, he's just not here." I spoke softly, trying to ease his nerves.

"Julie told me that my dad probably just lives somewhere else, where?"

Fucking Julie.

"He's out there somewhere." I whispered, trying to keep myself together.

"Is he coming back?"

"I don't know.. I don't know."

I couple minutes passed and he fell asleep against me. I kissed his cheek and replaced myself with a pillow. Slipping into the bathroom.

I locked the door and sat on the closed toilet seat. Pressing my knees together with a small whimper.

I reached under the sink and pulled out my notebook.

Dear, non-diary

It's been long enough, long enough for Khyson to come back, for Rylan to begin putting the pieces together, for my mistake to come to light. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Nothing was, but we're past that now.

Every time I think about it my tears surface, my feelings pang against my heart.

I closed the book and pulled my phone from the counter.

Amara

I'm gonna tell him this week

Her speech bubbles popped up almost immediately. I've been telling myself this for months, and I've followed through nothing, nothing at all.

Winding up all of the scenarios in my mind, but all of them end the same, and none of them end in happiness.

He's gimme be mad, I know I would be.

I wiped my cheek with my palm and watched her respond.

I know you can do it

I smiled to myself and tucked my knees to my chest.

"I love you, Khyson."

"I love you so much."

I whispered, hoping maybe in spirit he could hear me. Hear he silently apologizing for forgiveness, forgiveness from him and our son.

Our son.

Khyson

Come over Friday night?