Ariya

"Let it out, it's okay." I rubbed his back gently as he vomited into the toilet.

I hated seeing Rylan in pain, I hated seeing him struggle or cry. I didn't want him feeling like that.

He leaned back into my arms with a frown.

"You wanna lay down?" I asked.

"Yeah." He nodded. I lifted him up and carried him down the hall and into my bedroom. He maneuvered himself underneath the covers as I kissed his forehead.

I watched him fall asleep before walking out into the living room.

"How is he?" Khyson asked.

"Better than yesterday."

"I'm sorry about.. all of this." I chuckled nervously. I dropped my head so my eyes wouldn't have to face his response. I rubbed my hands together before he grabbed them and they stopped.

"It's okay, okay?" He nodded.

"What are we doing, Khyson?" I asked truthfully, staring up at him blankly. I needed an answer, some sort of answer from him.

"What?" He asked with a small smile.

"What are we doing?" I shook my head tiredly and gripped his hands tighter.

"What do you want us to be doing?"

"I don't know." I said in a whisper, maybe hoping even I wouldn't even hear it.

He stared into my eyes, sending chills down my spine. I could feel his thumbs making soft circles on the back of my palm.

I hadn't even realized I was leaning into him.

"Mama!"

We both stopped, our noses touching before we both bursts into nervous laughter. I squeezed his hand before letting go to tend to Rylan.

I scurried down the hall into my room before nodding.

"You okay?" I pressed my hand to his forehead.

"Can you lay with me?" He pouted before I nodded.

"Of course I can, I'm just gonna go make sure Khyson leaves, okay?"

"No! I want him to stay." He rolled over.

"You want him here?" I leaned down with a cocked brow, running my hand down his arm.

"Yeah."

"Okay." I sighed.

I walked back out and faced Khyson with embarrassed eyes.

"Rylan wants you to stay.. if that's okay with you?" I pressed my palms together and glanced down to the floor. I looked back up so our eyes met.

"He wants you to lay with him."

"Of course I will." He nodded shyly. I followed him into my room before I watching Rylans eyes gleam with happiness as he caught a glimpse of Khyson.

He tugged his socks off and slid under the covers with Rylan. Rylan smiled while he rested his head on Khyson's shoulder.

I walked around the bed before he stopped me.

"I wanna be with Khyson." He mumbled.

"Sorry mom, you didn't make the cut." Khyson joked with a smile. I chuckled before backing around to Khyson's side of the bed.

"You gonna stay another night o-"

"Yeah it's fine." He whispered.

"Okay, I'll sleep on the couch tonight okay?"

"Okay." He nodded before helping Rylan asleep. I turned my back before shutting the light off and leaning my body on the doorway.

"You think maybe like.. our kids will play together?" I asked Khyson with a smile before running my tongue along the popsicle.

"Yeah, and they'll live next door so they'll be best friends like us." He chirped with a smile.

"And then their kids will be friends."

"Ew! We're gonna be grandmas!" He retorted with a tongue out. I laughed at him before sucking off the remaining left of the treat.

"You think.. we're still gonna be friends?" Suddenly the air seemed to become so tense as I waited for his response.

"Of course, I'll never leave you, Ariya."

"Okay." I smiled.

Little did she know she would be the one to ruin it all.

I shut the door and walked into the living room, pulling my notebook from my bag and dropping it on the couch. I sprawled the blanket out and added a couple extra pillows since I'd be sleeping here.

Switching the light off so the only light source was the silent television. I laid down and rested my head on the pillow. Pulling my book out and taking the pen from the coffee table.

Dear-non diary

So, William read you. I hate him, gosh. How did he even find you. I had you in my bag all week. The only time I saw William this week week was when he came by to get his stuff. I left him in my room-he went in my bag. Did he look through other stuff? I'm so stupid for leaving him alone.

I'm done with him, I've given him too many chances, there's been too many times. I won't let him wither his way back into my life.

Gosh.

I hate myself, that was Jurassic change so just deal with it.

I hate myself for letting Khyson back into my life, into Rylans life. That scene of them laying together has been in my mind since I gave birth, since I've had him. And seeing it, in real life does something to me. I can't, I can't keep letting this happen. I can feel myself falling for him, but if I tell him Rylan is his and he does decide to stay with me I won't know if he really loves me or if he'll just stay because of Rylan.

I-

I sighed, not knowing what else to write before shutting the pages and tossing it on the coffee table. I pulled my phone out and opened Zion's contact.

Hey

I wrote.

Hey

He wrote back.

I think I'm in love with Khyson

I watched his text bubbles appear before I began to type more.

And I'm gonna tell him ab Rylan

Suddenly his bubbles stopped, then reappeared, then stopped.

Then reappeared.

What.

I SAID WHAT I SAID

wtf did I miss

HES JUST

HES GETTING SO CLOSE TO RYLAN AND I CANT LIVE WITH ALL OF THIS GUILT ANYMORE

Does he love you?

Idk he asked me about us today, and we almost kissed for like the third time and Rylans likes him better than William and William read my diary and knows ab Rylan being Khysons and I broke up with him and idk

YOU NEED TO UPDATE ME ARIYA GOD

IM SORRY I JUST-I DONT KNOW

Find out if he really loves you first, you don't want him with you just cus of Rylan

Ik

So

Thanks, I should get to bed now

Np

Goodnight

Goodnight, love you

Love you too

I shut my phone off placed it on the coffee table along with my notebook, shifting onto my back. I felt conflicted, who wouldn't in this situation. Yet I feel as if I'm not allowed to feel this way because it is my fault, so.

It hurt the most when I was alone, not with Rylan, nor Khyson. When you're alone, alone with yourself, alone with your thoughts and feelings. To overthink and analyze, it always hurts more when you're alone.

I grabbed the converter and switched the television off, hoping I would fall asleep more easily.

I shifted onto my side, right and left, then my back, then my stomach. I couldn't seem to sleep.

I didn't want to get up because then I definitely wouldn't fall asleep, and my phone was just oh so far.

Let's make some mental notes.

Buy toothpaste

Clean baseboards

Tell Khyson that Rylan is his son

God! That thought won't ever escape my mind will it. I rose my hand up to my chest and ran my finger tips along the cold metal of my necklace. The one piece I had of him.

Today I saw it, the black hair tie on his wrist, I've seen it before but it never crossed my mind, he never takes it off, it's not as if he has long luscious hair to pull into emergency ponytails.

I left it for him.

The morning after.

The only thing I ever left.

He still has it, he's had it.

I wonder if he'd wore it when he was "married"

"God, I hate myself." I whispered.

Maybe I should start talking to myself more often.

I rolled onto my side before feeling something poke into my side. I winced before pushing my hand under me and pulling out a Lego.

"Rylan." I sighed. I tossed it on the carpet and twisted some more.

"Goodnight, Ariya." I spoke to myself.

"Oh thanks for that, Ariya, Goodnight, Ariya."