I love you so

Ariya

12 years ago

"Fucking speak to me!" Dad yelled, his voice strained and hurt.

"It wasn't me!" Mom yelled back.

I cooed Jordan in my lap as he cried, while forcing food into Mikah as he wouldn't eat. Zion sat there trying to block them out.

"So when I walked into MY bedroom after work you weren't fucking that guy?!" He yelled, slamming his fist into the wood of the dinner table. I flinched while holding Jordan closer to my body.

"It's okay, it's okay." I whispered.

"No! I never did that!"

"So his dick accidentally plummeted into your vagina! Bullshit! Bullshit!"

They always fought.

"I want you out, Beverly!" He yelled, pushing his chair up and pointing towards the door. I watched scarcely as the fear glimmered in her eyes.

"What about your children! Our children!" She pointed at us and I bit my lips. My breath hitching in my throat with every breath.

"They can get out for all I care if they're anything like you!"

"Then kick them out! Not me! You love me, Henry! We love each other!" She pushed herself up into his face.

"Look at me, bitch. I don't stay with whores who fuck around, think you can keep me tied down with a couple kids.. I could care less." He seethed into her ear.

"Fuck you! You need me!"

Suddenly I watched him pull the gun from his pants and press the tip to her head.

"Ariya." Both Mikah and Zion called for me in a cry. I was scared, they were scared.. but I needed to do something.

"Come one guys." I quickly stood up and ran down the hall and into our shared room. I got them inside the closet and huddled us close together.

"It's okay, it's okay."

"He's gonna kill her, Ariya." Mikah cried. His voice imminently hurt and feared.

"No he's not.. we'll be fine. Breathe, breathe."

I listened closely to their words incase I needed to get in there.

"I hope you fucking know I won't hesitate pulling the trigger, you have no meaning to me.. Whore."

I went to stand up before I felt Zions small hand grasp my wrist. I needed the boys to be safe, and if I didn't make it out to complete that so be it.

"Ariya, please." He begged, his eyes bloodshot as his hand shook around mine.

"I love you, I love you guys. I'll be back."

I shouldn't keep promises I can't keep.

I opened the closet door and stormed down the hall. His gun still cocked to her head.

"Dad." I said. His head snapped towards mine before he dropped the gun. I shook in his presence.

I knew he never cared for us, but he showed more emotion than mom ever would.

I counted his four steps toward me, before he cupped my jaw in his large.. dirty hand.

"Ariya, my sweet.. sweet little baby." He gritted his teeth.

"Don't hurt her." I seethed.

His hands slapped me hard across the cheek as his nail sliced the skin right above my cheek bone.

"You got your kids sticking up for you now? Huh, Beverly!? Pathetic!"

"She doesn't love you! She doesn't love Jordan, Mikah, the fucks his name!? No one love you! You and your brothers are fuck ups! Just like the rest of the people on this earth! Just like your mother!"

I always helped mom, wether dad was beating her, wether he wanted money I tried to find it. Yet she never helped me, she wouldn't care if we were stranded, so why did I keep trying?

"She's not a fuck up." I whispered.

"She really has you fooled!? Doesn't she!?" He laughed.

"She doesn't fucking love you!" He screamed, my ears ringed as the tears fell. I could feel my insides burning, my lungs ached with every deep inhale. My face burned and the bruise he gave me yesterday still fresh.

I just wanted to be loved.

"Your mother is a worthless piece of shit! And you'll turn out just like her, fucking a different guy every night! Stealing your husbands income!"

"Don't say that!" I pressed my palms against his dirty shirt and he laughed.

"Naive little, Ariya. No one leaves this place. You fight for her. For what!? For her to kick you to the curb!?"

"She's still my mother."

"And I'm still your fucking father! No respect, I get none!" He yelled.

He gripped the black handle of the firearm and began pointing it straight at my head. The cold metal tip cooling my burning skin.

This was it.

My eleven years of life cut short by my own father.

"I'd shoot you if I wanted to." He whispered.

Suddenly he spun around and pointed the gun to her.

"I hope karma's a bitch, a motherfucking bitch!" Suddenly the bullet was fired.

My whole body seemed to freeze, the air went cold and my ears rung. I rose my arms up to my ears and squinted my eyes closed.

Maybe if I shut them hard enough I'd transport myself to another place, with no guns and fights, and yelling. I felt non existing for a second, a wave of force flushing my ears.

"Dad." I called softly, brining my hands down and opening my eyes.

I watched him grabbed a couple of his things before glancing at me.

"You'll be just fine, Ariya." He spoke before disappearing behind the front door.

I saw my mother on the floor and rushed up to her.

Her arm was bleeding, I glanced at the bullet hole in the wall.

It grazed her.

"Mom, mom, mama, mom, please."

"Get the fuck away from me." She seethed, bracing herself up while keeping her hand over her wound.

"Mom."

"Next time, don't meddle between us, maybe then your father would still be here."

"Fuck!" She cursed.

I rushed back down the hall and into the closet, seeing three crying little boys.

"It's okay, it's okay he's gone. He's gone." I hugged all three of them.

"Ariya.. we thought you we-"

"I'm fine, I'm right here, I'm here."

"Mom-I-where's mom?" Zion frantically asked.

"She's..." I contemplated the different ways I could've responded.

Maybe saying she was dead, running away with them. Raising them.

Saying she fled, staying in the house until they evicted us.

Leaving them in front of the police station, they'd be better off without me.

"She'll.. be okay."

"Ariya, what's gonna happen?" Mikah asked.

I took Jordan in my arms and cradled his head, letting his tears seep into my shirt.

"We'll be fine guys.. we'll be just fine."

I knew I grew up hard, I knew I didn't exactly have the best childhood.

I had to accept that.

But that didn't mean I couldn't make a name for myself. Be the woman I always wanted to be, become the role model I never had.

Daddy issues, mommy issues. Fuck them.

I have myself and that's more than enough. Everyone has struggles, forks and bumps in the road. But we all manage.

I didn't want to be the one stuck.

I raised three little boys to the best of my ability while completing school and getting into University.

I paid utility bills, I ran out in the middle of the night for supplies for Mikah's school projects. I woke up early to walk Zion to his basketball practices. I taught Jordan how to ride a bike.

No one would understand.

What I'd been through.

But that's no excuse.

My past doesn't make up me, I decide what depicts me, I decide who to be, not my trauma.

So what my dad ran off.

So what my mother was a fuck up.

I wasn't.

And that's what mattered.