| Old enough to understand |

| - Pluto Projector |

| Will you talk to me again? |

| But I really shouldn't stay |

- Vas

Ariya

"Oh shit." Kameron cursed.

"Your mother?" William asked.

I braced my hand on the table and pushed forward so my chair slid back, whipping my napkin off my lap and storming toward the door.

There she was, her clothes seemed worn, her hair tousled in a mess.

"You're not welcome here. You need to leave." I gripped the frame of the door and seethed my opinion into her ears.

The door was visible from the table so they had all been able to see what was going on.

"Ariya, it's Christmas I deserve to be welcomed here."

"Nobody wants you here."

"Aww, Zion my baby come here." I whipped my head around to see Zion, Mikah and Jordan all stood up.

Zion had always been the one connected to her the most. Albeit, I had the most memories with her, his were when he was younger, his were happier. I had the most memory of her so I knew what she like, I knew her.

I could see the tears pooling in his eyes as she eyed me with sorrow.

I attempted to hold back my tears and shook my head.

She put me through so much pain, and it still affected me today. My lungs hurt, my eyes burned and my bones ached.

I finally had what I wanted, a family to spend Christmas with. My son was happy and I was too.

"Zion." I whispered.

"Mom." He whispered.

"She is not your mother, Zion!"

I whipped my body back around to stare back at her.

"It's cold, I'm hungry. You can't leave me out here to starve, Ariya." She pleaded.

"You left us to starve! You didn't seem to care when we were alone so why should I!?" She stared at me blankly and I heard some low sobs before turning around. I saw Rylan as he gripped the back of his chair watching me.

I walked up to him and cupped his cheeks.

"You know you're not welcome here." Mikah said behind behind me as I cooed Rylan.

"My son, that's very disrespectful. Turning me away on Jesus's birthday."

"You have a son?" She quickly noticed.

I picked up Rylan in my arms, ignoring her as he sobbed into my shoulder. Rubbing his back with soft circles.

"Ariya, she's cold, hungry.. it's Christmas. It's not like we don't have enough food for her." Zion said.

"Yeah, come on, Riya baby. I haven eaten in two days."

I heard Kameron gasp before Amara slapped his arm.

"Let me get to know my grandson."

I walked up to her and stood my ground with a crying four year old over my shoulder.

"This is my home, okay. I'm an adult now and you can't tell my what to do, just know that. I can kick you out in the matter of seconds."

I walked away and kissed Rylan on the cheek before sitting him back down in his chair. I watched Jordan watch her remove her shoes and walk over to the table.

She sat down between Kameron and William, the only empty seat. William passed her a plate and she smiled.

"You can continue now, Jordan."

Kameron and William were both concerned to hold her hand before they grabbed hers and closed their eyes.

After Jordan said our grace we immediately began to dig into the food. But the table was I credibly silent, no one dared to utter a word.

Silence.

"So, this is a nice home you have here." She spoke while looking around.

"Yeah I know, I earned it myself.. unlike you."

I'd always been the one to challenge her, they were all afraid. I wasn't afraid of her.

Beverly snarled and filled her mouth with some mashed potato's.

"At least I didn't fuck guys for income."

Everyone gasped and she lifted her head. Jordan scolded me, but it was the truth. She would never be the mom I'd always wanted.

Beverly dropped her fork and looked up.

"Why can't you just forgive me, your own mother, Riya?"

I began to laugh while dropping my own fork.

"Nothing, and I mean nothing would ever make up for what you put me through, what you put us through!" I yelled at her with my finger in the air.

I heard Rylan begin to cry when I leaned down to kiss his cheek.

"Get him outta here, William.. please." I begged.

"Mama?" Rylan asked.

"I love you." I smiled.

William picked him up and walked to the door.

"Mama!"

"Im sorry, Ariya. I don't know what else to say, I'm ready, I wanna be here, be with you guys."

"We don't need you anymore, you missed your chance."

"Ariya, don't be like that."

"No! You don't get to be like that! You can't just magically appear out of fucking no where and decide you wanna finally be a mom! That's not how it works! You have responsibilities as a mother! And I hope you know you failed as one!" I stood up and yelled. My voice echoing off the walls as Amara and Kameron sat there stunned.

"Rehab do you any good!? Huh!?"

"Ariya." Zion sighed while standing up and grabbing my arm. I tugged my arm harshly out of his grasp and walked up to her.

"I'm sorry." She told me.

"I was trying to get better and you know it!" She yelled into my face.

"No! I tried helping you because I thought deep down you still cared for us! Still cared for your children! After dad left you'd think you'd help us more! Support us! Be a mother! But n-"

"It's your fault your father left us!"

I watched in the corner of my eye as all three of my brothers stood up and argued.

"Ariya had nothing to do with dad leaving! You have no right blaming her!"

"No-you blame yourself and I can tell. You loved him, the love faded. You were just trying to hold on to what you had and I get it now, I understand. Did you still love him when he beat you!!"

"He needed me! We needed each other!"

"You had four kids who needed you! Yet you stayed with the man who put a gun to your head!?" I screamed. I was left a panting mess when the chatter between the boys silenced. Like I could hear my own pounding heartbeat.

"You think I wasn't scared! He was my husband!"

"Yeah and he was our father! How do you think I felt telling three petrified little boys that daddy wasn't gonna shoot mommy with the gun! Who does that! I was their mother! I cared for them, not you! You have no right being here!"

"You guys are the only family I have left."

"Why are you here, mom? Tell me." I sighed, disregarding the tears streaming down my cheeks.

"My cards are maxed, my disability was cut off.. I have nothing, Ariya. I need you. Just a night, let me stay, please."

Maybe if I was younger, old me would let her stay. Old me still loved her, old me still had hope. But now? I get it, I get why dad probably left, I get it now.

"I hope you know I have a son! A house! A real job! I earned this! I didn't get this by chasing after government assistance! I don't sit on my ass everyday waiting for welfare! I go out there and work! And make money so my son can to school! So Jordan can go to school! So Rylan won't have to grow up the way we did! So I can be the mom I never had! When you realize what you've done to us! What you put us through! What you did and own up! Then come back! Until then.." I took a step forward and stared into her dark irises.

"Get the fuck out of my home!"

I watched her walk out before I completely collapsed onto the ground. Bracing my palm on the wood as I felt my tears spill.

I felt three warm bodies engulf mine as I sobbed.

"Ariya, it's gonna be okay." They cooed me.

I watched Kameron hand Mikah a glass of water in the slit of my eye. They backed me up against the wall and tipped the glass to my lips.

"I'm sorry, Ariya. I shouldn't have let her in, it ca-"

"It's not y-your fault.. she's your mother." I whispered.

This used to happen a lot when we were younger, I was the only one who challenged her. After we argued I would lock myself in the bathroom and sob for hours. I felt responsible, for everything yet I wasn't. I was just a kid who had too much to deal with.

I was just a kid.

Who didn't understand.

Who shouldn't have been raising three boys.

"I need some time, I'm sorry guys." I stood up and walked down the hall into the bathroom, locking the door.

I was so pathetic, resorting to my own ways.

It was like a never ending loop, childhood, adulthood.

When your a mother it makes it even more upsetting. How could she betray us the way she did. Have that kind of heart.

I would sacrifice my life for Rylan, without a doubt.

I wouldn't do what my mother did.

I just feel like things will never get better. I'll be absolutely nothing.

And just like that I was back. I was the same fifteen years old girl with a child on her hip, an eleven year old begging for dinner and a thirteen year old wondering when his mom would be back. I was back in that bathroom wondering when things would get better, wondering when I'd have a shoulder to cry on, wondering when I would finally get someone to take care of me. I promised myself I would grow up differently. Be a stable adult with a garden with yellow tulips, and husband to kiss at the end of the day.

Some one to love.

Someone to care for.

Not to be that girl.

Or the girl who just picked up her razor.