"I'm so nervous," Peyton says, leg tapping against the concrete. What she's nervous about? The football game. It's currently halftime and we're losing 20-32 against UCLA. Maddy predicted this a week ago, that we'd lose. Luckily, there was still a whole half to get some points back on the board. "I thought Xander was supposed to catch the balls, not drop them." Peyton groans. We both aren't that familiar with football.

Xan hasn't been playing very well. Rhys on the other hand has two touchdowns. "He is," Maddy says through clenched teeth. Here we go. "He obviously doesn't deserve to be on that fucking field when he keeps playing like complete shit." Ouch. There it is.

Maddy despises Xander. Now, she doesn't like a lot of people for various reasons and sometimes no reason at all, but there is a deep resentment that she has for Xander.

It happened a couple of weeks ago when we went to a party and the boys were there. Maddy had been telling me about one of her dates and was complaining how the guy was a complete asshole to her. He called her a bitch various times according to her and she even went as far as throwing her drink on him because of it. Obviously, I thought it was very wrong of him to call her that, so I agreed with the drink-throwing.

Turns out Xander had been listening in the whole time and decided to give Maddy his input on the situation. Long story short, he took the guy's side and agreed with the fact that Maddy was a bitch. I'm sure she knows this herself, but when people call her a bitch, especially men, it doesn't sit well with her. Ever since then, she and Xander can't stop bickering every time they see each other.

I rarely see Maddy letting people get to her, but Xander knows exactly what buttons to push when it comes to my best friend. We try to keep them away from each other as much as possible, but sometimes we can't so we have to endure the bickering. "I agree," Peyton says.

I stay out of it. He buys me pretzels.

The teams both come back from their respective locker rooms and the game starts again.

+

We fucking lost. We lost. 45-32.

To think that I actually had a good feeling about this game. I guess it was doomed from the start since Cgc threw an interception. On the first play. After that, we couldn't exactly find our rhythm again. The offense scored some points obviously, but the defense wasn't doing its job. The whole game I called plays, told the guys to watch for certain players and it's like they weren't listening to me.

Don't get me wrong, our defense coach is good, but sometimes he calls mediocre plays that won't get the job done. I take it upon myself to tell the guys to do something different. It gets me in trouble, but it fucking works. Only this time, it didn't. Coaches plays or mine, UCLA's offense was just doing too good.

I'm going to mourn what could've been an undefeated season for about a day. We still have seven more regular-season games to play and I'm not going to lose another one. There's still a chance to get to the National Title, one loss now is nothing.

After a quick shower, I slip on some jeans and my black Under Armour shirt. Despite the loss, the locker room is not that quiet. Rhys lifts his t-shirt and rubs his abdomen. He flinches slightly, "I think a bruise might be brewing here." Cgc looks at him. "Cute abs," Rhys smirks, pulling his shirt back down. "Don't make me blush."

Xander shakes his head and laughs. "That's our thing." I frown, looking at my best friend. Xanders pulls his shirt over his head. "I know, they wanna be like us." He says. My other two roommates roll their eyes playfully. We wait on Xan as the rest of us are ready to go. I don't even want to go out tonight like the boys might despite the loss. I just want to sleep, I haven't been getting much of it.

School and football are a lot to deal with and on top of that, I can't stop thinking about other things. My thoughts are too powerful, especially at night. "Okay, let's get the hell outta here," Xan says, picking up his duffel bag. We exit the locker room and facility and start heading towards Rhys's car.

"Oh, look who it is," Cgc says. I look up from my phone and Novalee and Maddy are about to get into Nova's car. It happens to be parked a couple of vehicles down from Rhys'. Nova's face lights up, "oh hey, guys!" She waves. "Sup," Cgc replies. "Fuck me," Xan says under his breath. I look at him and realize Maddy is shooting daggers at him. Yeah, they don't get along very well.

Xander walks towards Rhys' car. "Unlock the car, Rhys!" He trails. Maddy's eyes stay on him as he walks away. "You played like shit today!" She yells. Xander doesn't stop walking. "You look like shit today." He drawls back, shutting the car door right after. Her nostrils flare slightly and then she gets into the car. "Yikes," Cgc says, sucking his teeth. "She's scary," Rhys says, hoping she won't hear him. Cgc laughs. He's rarely intimidated by girls like her.

"No, she's a little ball of love!" Nova answers. The guys and I look at each other like is she joking? She's not. Maddy knocks on the windshield to catch Nova's attention. "Well, I'm gonna take my little she-devil out for some food, but I'll see you guys later! Great game, by the way! Even though you guys lost, right?! Okay, team spirit, bye!" She jogs to the car and gets in quickly. "She's so weird." Cgc laughs and I smile.

She really is.

As we inch toward the house, I notice a car near our driveway. A Mercedes, expect it's not black, meaning it isn't Cgc's. It's white. It's my father's. "What the fuck is he doing here?" I groan. He can't be inside the house since he doesn't have a key which means he's waiting in his car. He didn't go to the game right? "Do you want me to keep driving?" Rhys asks, Xander and Cgc look at me. I shake my head. "He's just gonna wait for me until I get home," I say.

"You sure?"

"Yeah," I say through clenched teeth. The sight of my father irritates the hell out of me. Rhys pulls into the driveway and we all get out. I'm not inviting him in. The guys head inside and once they do, my dad gets out of his car. I stand in the middle of the driveway, in between Rhys' car and my own. I hate that he drives all the way from Las Vegas just to talk to me. He should start learning that a two-minute conversation isn't worth 5 hours of gas money.

He looks at my car for a second and makes a disgusted face. "I didn't buy you an $85,000 car just so you wouldn't wash it." He barks. I roll my eyes and cross my arms over my chest. I take a step back from him. I can't believe I haven't tried to punch him yet. And there's no way he's standing in my driveway when he manipulated mom into coming home for Christmas. "What do you want, Matthew?" He looks away from my car, towards me. "I'm your father, not your friend."

Sadly. Although, I wouldn't be friends with someone like him.

I don't argue with him. "Whatever, I asked a question." I retort. "Your mother told me you were putting thought into coming home for Christmas. You've been given enough time, so where's your answer?" His voice is cold like always. I say, "don't know yet." I'm going, I just can't admit that to him for some reason. He chuckles scarily. "You're coming." He states. "You can't make me. It's my decision to make, I'm an adult now if you weren't aware." He raises his eyebrows slightly.

"You sure as hell don't act like one." He retorts. I roll my eyes again. He drove hours to Oak Hill just for this? I wouldn't even waste that much time on myself. "If I'm coming to your little Christmas ploy to get, I don't know what the hell it is that you want, then you'll see me there. I don't have to tell you anything right now." I clench my jaw to contain the anger that's trying to crawl its way out of my body.

He raises his hand slightly and on instinct, I flinch. Fuck. He notices this and lowers his hand, fixing his suit. Hit me, I want to say. No matter all the shit that he's put me through my whole life, I still have this voice in my head telling me that I deserve it. I was never a good kid. I made my mom and dad's life hell sometimes. I skipped school a lot, I stayed out late every night, I got in trouble with cops more than once, and I also happen to have the biggest mouth in the world. I say whatever's on my mind and I don't care.

So the first time my father hit me, I didn't really blame him. I thought I deserved it and I still think I do. Every punch, every slap, every bruise. I can hate him for abusing me for years, yes. But I don't. I do hate him for abusing mom though. She never did anything to him. Even if she did, he should have never laid a hand on her. And for that, I hate him.

It's too late now. There's nothing he could ever do or say that would make me forgive him. This conversation now, the conversations we've had for a long time, are only two reasons I'm avoiding going home for the holidays. But I'm going to promise my mother that I'm going to be there for her. I don't need her getting swept back into his life. "Fine, Christian," Finally. He looks at my car once more and I roll my eyes. "I'll see you in a couple of months." He says and then walks back to his car, and leaves.

He knows. He knows that I can't trust him alone with her. That's the only reason I'm going.