《What The Heart Craves》Chapter 16 - Part 2

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The doctor was quietly watching me as I clasped my hands together.

"I wanted to ask... there is a risk during the surgery," I was searching for the right words. "I might stop breathing or something like that."

The doctor nodded his head.

"If something like that happens, I don't want to depend on machines," My voice shook. It was hard to talk about my mortality, but I didn't want to be a burden to my family.

"Are you sure?" he asked, straightening up in his chair. "It's a big decision."

I nodded. "I don't want to be a burden. If the surgery doesn't work and I can't breathe on my own, I want you to let me... go." I swallowed my emotion on the last word.

He frowned slightly as he studied me. "There is a form you will need to fill out."

"That's fine." I nodded. Nothing about any of this was fine, it was a necessity.

"I think you need to think about it before you sign it," he advised.

But I was already shaking my head. "I've decided, and it's what I want."

He was only doing his job, and I understood that, but I would not change my mind so there was no point in wasting time on it.

He picked up the phone and called someone. "Please bring me a DNR form."

I felt relieved that I was getting this out of the way with no one finding out about it. In my mind I was doing the best thing for myself and for my family, even if they wouldn't understand.

Moments later, a nurse arrived with a form and handed it to the doctor.

He handed me the form as the nurse left. "I suggest you take it home and think about it a little more before you sign it. It's a big decision, it could be the difference between life and death." His eyes held mine.

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He did not know how much I'd agonized over this. I didn't want this hard decision to fall to my family. In my own way, I was making this easier for them.

My decision made, I took the form.

"May I use your pen?" Going home and thinking about it wouldn't change my decision, it would just waste time I didn't have.

He handed me the pen. There was no changing my mind.

My hand shook a little as I read through the document. I couldn't think that it might happen and they would have no choice but to let me go. Any time I felt myself waver all I had to think about what it would do to my family if I lived through my surgery unable to care for myself. A fresh wave of guilt hit me as my hand tightened around the pen and I signed the form.

I handed it back to the doctor. He slid it into my file.

"Delaying the surgery will only complicate it, and you might not have a month," he advised. "I hope you change your mind. Lacey, I'm an excellent surgeon and I'll do everything I can for you."

The emotion I'd been trying to suppress seeped through the cracks. Struggling, I took a deep breath and released it.

"I don't agree with your decision, but there is nothing I can do about it. If you change your mind, please let me know."

I remained quiet. Already I could feel my headache. It had been a stressful appointment, and it was taking its toll on me.

I got up and left the doctor's office feeling nervous. My mom was the only one sitting in the reception room. Where was Adonis? My mom was quiet as we got to the lift, and I didn't feel like talking much either.

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Adonis was already inside his car when my mom and I exited the building. Thankfully, there weren't fans or photographers waiting. I felt vulnerable and emotional; I didn't need an audience.

Adonis didn't even look in my direction when I got into the car, and I knew that this wasn't something he was going to get over or forgive easily. Although it hurt to do this to him, it was for the best.

I kept my eyes glued to the scenery outside my window as Adonis drove us back to my house. It was easier than seeing the barely contained anger sitting beside me in the driver's seat and knowing I was the one responsible.

When we arrived at my house, my mother thanked Adonis and he acknowledge her. His eyes still fixed in front of him. His jaw clenched. My mom got out the car, leaving us alone.

I looked at him unsure of what to say or even if there was anything I could say to ease his anger.

After a minute of the silent treatment, I got out the car and closed the door. He clearly didn't want to talk to me. Feeling the sting of tears, I rushed to the front door. I had expected him to feel upset, but I hadn't expected him to shut me out completely. My heart ached.

Once inside the house, I rushed to my room. I needed a moment to myself. Alone, I closed my door and slid down, pulling my legs up to my chest. One tear slid down my cheek, followed by another.

A sob tore from me. I cried for the unfairness of the situation and the tough decisions I had to make. After a while, l stopped crying. I felt drained. My eyes were red and puffy. I was too tired to deal with anymore guilt or anger. I stood up and walked over to my bed and took off my shoes.

For a moment I closed my eyes and remembered my intimate moment with Adonis, but the warm glow of happiness I'd felt had turned to sadness.

I got into the bed under my covers and lay down, needing a moment to gather myself before I faced anyone else.

My mother hadn't agreed with the decision, and I knew she would also have her say about it. My father and brother would be just as upset. I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling the headache that had developed earlier start pounding. I was getting another migraine.

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