As soon as I close my door, I slide down against the door. Sobs overtaking my breath. My cheek still burning from the hand of my own father.

trigger warning: self harm

Still sitting on the same spot as an hour ago my breath slowly starts to go back to its normal rythm. I can't believe my father just did that. What am I gonna do now? Do I leave? Do I stay here? I don't know. I do not fucking know. I guess I have no other choice than to stay here. Where else would I go? I won't go back to Ashlyns. I don't want to bother her. I should stay out of her life, for good.

Grabbing my phone from my bag, I see 5 missed calls. I look at them and see that Ashlyn has been trying to call me since I ran out of class. She even send me messages showing her worry about me. I don't answer them, not even open them. She is better off without me, everyone is better off without me.

It's been 2 days. My dad hasn't been at home at all, which I'm glad about. If he knew I've been skipping school since I ran out of class, he'd be absolutely furious. I've only gone out of my room to eat a little now and then. I've been crying non stop and I feel like there are now permanent tear stains on my cheeks. The bruise on my cheek has faded to a light purple color now. I had to shut my phone off after a day of receiving a million messages and calls from Ashlyn. I've been smoking the package of cigarettes I have in my room, because I don't care.

Laying awake in bed at 1 am doesn't help either. I can't sleep. Again. This pain in my chest hasn't gone away since my father called me at Ashlyns that day. And it is only getting worse and worse. It feels like it's almost impossible to take a breathe.

Somewhere deep in my thoughts, despite thinking I wouldn't be sleeping tonight, I managed to close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

I'm sitting on my bed listening to music when my dad comes storming into my room. I can see he's pissed off. "Why the fuck have you been skipping school!" he screams at me. My breath stops. I'm scared. I am so scared of him. "I w-wasn't feeling well.." I stutter softly. "Bullshit!" He screams as he gets closer. He grabs my arm and pulls me off of my bed. His nails digging into my arm as he pushes me against the wall. "Nobody wants you here." he spits in my face. Tears escaping my eyes. He grabs my face with his other hand. Digging his nails into my face now too. "Stop crying bitch."

Opening my watery eyes, I sit up shocked by what just happened. By the dream I just had. It felt so real. It felt so scary. I can't even see through all of my tears anymore. My chest going up and down in a fast tempo. He's right. Nobody wants me here. Nobody needs me here.

At this point I'm having a panic attack. Sweat dripping from my forehead. I scream out, knowing my dad isn't home anyway. I scream even louder. I shakily stand up and stumble to my bathroom. "He's right. He is fucking right!" I scream out. "Nobody fucking wants me!" I continue to scream out as my shaky hands reach for one of my razor blades I use to shave. I don't even hesitate before sliding the blade across my left wrist. And another time. And another time. And another time. Another time until I can't see my arm anymore, because of all the blood covering it. I can't breathe. Everything is spinning. My vision is blurry. My arm covered in blood, just like the bathroom floor. I'm fucking helpless. "Why did you have to leave!" I scream out on the top of my lungs. "I needed you! I need you!" I keep screaming, until my throat can't take it anymore.

Still sitting on my bathroom floor, the blood drying up. My tears drying up as well. My breath getting more steady by the seconds. I suddenly realise what I've done. Turning on the shower. Taking my clothes off and sitting in the shower. I let all the blood go down the drain. I don't feel anything. I just feel nothing. I'm simply just feeling numb. Staring towards the wall of my shower. I feel a little stinging each time the water hits the cuts I've created.

Laying in bed again, it's already morning. I had to search the whole house for some bandages and finally found them in one of the cabinets of the kitchen.

Staring at the ceiling, I decide to stay home another day. Hoping my father won't come home.

Suddenly my stomach growls, I look at the clock. It's already 11 am. I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon. I get up to go to the kitchen.

Opening the cabinets in the kitchen, nothing. Opening the fridge, nothing. Opening the freezer, nothing. What the hell am I supposed to eat?! I get frustrated, before giving up and walking to my room again. "Guess I won't eat then." I mumble, feeling annoyed. Slamming my door shut, I grab my package of cigarettes. Only 2 left.. Shit.

Next day.

I haven't been out of my room since I checked for food yesterday. I smoked my last two cigarettes as well. I think I'll have to get some food. And I'll also get cigarettes as well then. I really don't wanna go. What if I come back and my father is suddenly here again. I wouldn't know if he came back or not.

I decided to risk it, and get the stuff I need. Wearing one of my favourite hoodies, I pull the hood of it over my head and leave the house. Feeling the morning sun shining on my face as soon as I step out, I take a deep breathe. I definitely needed this.

Walking in the grocery store, I get some stuff that don't need to go into the fridge so I can just take it up to my room.

Walking out of the store with a plastic bag in my hand. And a new package of cigarettes in the pocket of my hoodie. I walk home, satisfied with the things I got.

Closing the door of my room behind me, I put the bag I've been holding on the floor. And immediately grab my new package of cigarettes from my pocket and light one. Breathing in the toxic air once again. I sit down on the floor with the cigarette in my hand. And continue to smoke until there's nothing left of it.