AUTHORS NOTE: as a special treat, I decided to write this chapter literally right after I posted chapter 36 because I know the last chapter was pretty rough😬. Hope you enjoy two chapters in one day ! :)

"How has your day been?" my mom asked me as she laid peacefully in her hospital bed.

I wanted to say very horrible, but instead I replied with 'good' like every other human being does when faced with that question.

Every day is horrible. I've not been able to sleep, I can barely focus in class, and all I want to do is crawl up in bed and stay there forever.

And it's all because of what happened the night of prom.

But at least there's one piece of good news: my mom is going to be able to leave the hospital soon. And when she does she is going to look for a new home for us.

I looked out the hospital room window and out at the grey clouds. I've always hated cloudy days, they're so depressing. I'm already in a depressed mood, and having it be a cold, rainy, cloudy day doesn't make anything better.

It's almost the end of April. It's been about three months since the whole incident with Ryder and Heather at prom. I haven't spoken to either one of them since.

Ryder has only showed up to class about three times each month, and when he does show up, he looks like a total wreck — like everything in his life crumbled after that day.

We work on the project separately now. I visit the animal shelter and Ryder visits the elderly homes.

The worst part of this whole thing is seeing Ryder all the time in his own home. Yes, I still live there because honestly there's no where for me to go. I guess I could go to Grace's or my other friends houses, but I already have all my stuff at Ryder's.

Every night I have nightmares of Ryder and Heather kissing, and thoughts as to what would have happened if I didn't show up. I stay up most nights wondering if I should have a talk with Ryder, but I don't think I'm ready to face him yet.

But if there's one thing I miss, it's him. I miss everything about him.

I miss us. I miss the chemistry we had. I miss the love that we shared.

God, I've never missed someone so much...it's driving me insane.

But love is insanity so in that case, let me go mad.

Sometimes I hear Ryder crying in his room. If I wake up to get water in the middle of the night, I sometimes hear him sobbing. It pains my heart to hear him cry so much.

"You need to talk to him, sweetheart," my mother told me.

"Mom..."

"He's in pain, Autumn. Just like you. You need to hear his side of the story. You can't get all upset until you hear it."

"It's been three months, mom! It's a little too late to be not angry," I raised my voice in frustration. I knew she was right because if I don't hear him out, I'll never know and I'll always be left wondering and imagining the worst.

***

I turned to my side and shut my eyes tightly. Finn knew I was stressed so he cuddled up next to me.

Even with him cuddling up next to me, I still imagined Heather kissing Ryder like it was yesterday.

Opening my eyes, I groaned. Ugh, another sleepless night I suppose.

Grabbing my alarm clock, the time read 2:08am.

Only 2:08am?! I still have so long until school starts!

I pulled the covers off of me and stood up.

"Finn, stay here, okay buddy?" I whispered quietly so no one would hear, even though I was on the downstairs floor.

He wagged his tail but stayed in bed.

I put on a robe just incase Ryder or his mom wakes up since I was only wearing a short shirt and a thong to bed because it was really hot in the downstairs room.

Creaking my door open, I tip-toed all the way down the hall and into the kitchen.

Grabbing a cup from one of the cupboards, I went to the sink to fill it up with water.

"You can't sleep either?"

Startled, I turned around and gasped.

Leaning against the wall stood a shirtless Ryder in grey sweatpants. He stayed far away from me. The silver light from the moon hit the side of his face while the other side was covered from the darkness of the night. I noticed the tiredness in his voice and the bags under his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. His eyes watched me with caution, aware not to scare me off.

I licked my lips. Wow....he looks good.

God, what am I thinking!?!

"Um, yeah. I was just getting water. Sorry if I woke you up."

He sighed, raking his hand through his messy hair. "You didn't. I was already awake."

I nodded awkwardly, not sure what to say to him.

We stayed in silence as I resumed to filling up my cup. I stood there awkwardly because after I was done filling it up, Ryder didn't say anything but rather stared deeply at me.

I felt pressured under his gaze to do something, but I didn't know what to do except stand awkwardly. Although I looked awkward, he looked very confident and I tried hard not to look at his muscles.

"Why are you wearing a robe? It's very hot in here?" he asked me, observing my nightwear.

I wiped my head because I was actually sweating. I was dying from heat in the robe and I wanted to take it off so badly. "Oh this? Well it's because..."

I lost my train of thought when I watched his eyebrow raise in amusement.

"It's because I didn't know if anyone was going to come down and because I'm wearing something-''

"-scandalous," Ryder finished my sentence. His voice became husky which was really sexy.

I shrugged and the sleeve almost fell down. "I guess you could say that."

"You're sweating," he noticed, cocking his head to the side, exposing more of his perfect face to the moonlight.

"I-I know," I stuttered.

He smirked and I almost fainted. I missed that seductive smirk of his.

"Why don't you take off the robe?" he whispered.

"Hmmm, rather not. But thanks for the suggestion," I responded while walking passed him.

He frowned.

I walked out of the kitchen but before I could walk into the hallway, he grabbed my wrist.

"Wait."

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach at the feel of his hand on my skin. It's been so long since I've felt his touch and I've missed it. Although he was grasping hard onto my wrist, I loved the way it felt, how just his hand could set my body on fire.

I looked up at him and he looked down at me.

Lost in his eyes, I nearly forgot how to breathe. He is so captivating in every which way, it's hard not to feel flustered or nervous.

"Oh, sorry." He let go of my arm.

Don't let go.

"What?" Ryder said.

I stared blankly at him. Shit. I didn't mean to say that out loud.

"Nothing. I said nothing."

"Autumn, we can't ignore each other for much longer," Ryder said, finally breaking the tension.

I avoided his gaze. "I need time, Ryder."

"Time?!" he laughed like a crazy person, raking his hands in his hair from stress. "We have no time. Before we know it, we're both heading off to college."

He was right. We have our presentation for our project coming up soon and then after that, we're off to college.

"Autumn," he lifted my chin with his pointer finger, and I let him. It felt good to feel him again, even if it was only the tip of his finger. "I need to tell you the truth sooner or later. What you saw that night is not what happened."

I wanted him to hug me so badly at that moment.

"When I look at you, all I see is what happend that night, Ryder. All I see is you kissing Heather!"

His face scrunched up in pain. "Then let me explain myself so you no longer look at me like that."

"I hate the both of you for making me feel like this," I said as I balled my hand into a fist.

"I hate Heather for making you hate me," Ryder said with pain in his eyes and on his face.

"H-How is it possible for you to leave me so distraught," I sniveled. "I didn't think a stupid boy could have so much power over me but you do...you really do."

A tear escaped my eye. "I still love you, but I wish I didn't."

He wiped the tear. "No. Don't say that. You don't mean it."

I nodded. "Yes I do, Ryder, because I can't do anything without thinking about you. My grades are horrible because all I can think about is how badly you ruined me. I can't sleep anymore because you're always on my god damn mind! I'm sick of this!" I yelled at him, trying so hard not to shove him away.

He opened his arms. "Please let me hug you."

I wiped away the tears and sniffled. "N-No. I don't want a hug."

His arms fell to his sides in defeat. "When you're ready to talk, I'll be waiting. I'll always wait for you, Autumn. And I'm willing to let you take your time."

With that said, Ryder kissed the top of my head and walked away.

My head tingled and I closed my eyes and gulped, surprised at how good his kiss felt on my head.

Time. How much and yet how little we had of it. And if I really don't settle this with Ryder, I'll loose all time.

I need to make things right. I need to hear him out at least.

And I better do it soon.