It has been a week since I've spoken to Ryder. The last time I was with him was when we were typing the essay at my house and then when I got a text from Derek, he went all bezerk. The past week, if he saw me in the halls he dared not to look at me, in English he didn't sit in his normal seat (which was behind me), and he hasn't even called or texted about getting together to work on the project.

I just don't get why he would get all upset over Derek. Whatever happened between them in the past I have to find out about.

The day Derek and I saw Ryder at the park, Ryder looked furious when he acknowledged Derek. But Derek? Derek seemed unimpressed; like seeing Ryder upset wasn't anything knew to him. Why would Ryder be so upset and not Derek?

If we're going to be truthful then I hate how he's been acting this past week. The one thing I didnt want to happen, happened.

He became cold towards me.

The cold flowing through his eyes fascinated me when it wasn't towards me. But when he looked at me, I feared the cold.

Have you ever seen him without cold eyes?

That made me think. I really have never seen his eyes match his smirk or light up. Even the day I barely knew him and confronted him infront of his friends, he still had a look in his eyes that could kill. But most of all, they held pain.

Maybe he's hiding something that he wouldn't think me or anyone would find out about.

Too bad he forgot eyes speak just as loudly as words if not more powerful.

I want to figure him out, I really want to.

Some nights after my father abused me, I would just lay in bed and think about how incredible and frightening it is that I've only known Ryder for a short amount of time, and yet the darkness in his eye and the lack of emotion in his voice has slowly complicated my life.

It terrifies me how fascinated I am by him.

"Autumn? Pstt! Autumn."

Blinking rapidly, I turn to face where the whisper came from. "Yes?"

Ruby's eyes held concern as she studied me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You've been staring off into space for 30 minutes now. You missed important note taking. You're lucky Mrs. Jacobson didn't notice you were not paying attention."

The internal groan in my head was louder than all the thoughts consuming me as I took notice that I got lost in my wandering mind as the whole class was taking notes for the physics test in two weeks.

Of course the one time I zone out is when we're supposed to be taking notes.

The.One.Time.

All I did was shrug. "I'll figure something out."

She looked up at the clock and smiled. "When the bell rings, Taylor, Grace, Lila and I are taking you to lunch. I know we will skip 4th period but we will only do this once."

"Oh no it's okay–"

"I'm not asking, Autumn. Just by the looks of it I can tell you're in desperate need for girl time."

Giving in, I sighed. "Fine. But just this once."

"What's up?" Taylor asked as she slid into the empty seat at our lab table. "I heard my name from across the room."

"We're taking Autumn to lunch in 3...2...1." The bell to leave class rang and Ruby linked her arm through mine, rushing me out the door as Taylor followed suit.

***

"What's wrong Autumn? You haven't even taken a nibble of your pizza. I thought pizza is your absolute favorite food?" Grace asked as she bit into her cheese hamburger.

She's right. Pizza is my weakness. Especially the pizza from Cheezies Kitchen. Don't ask me why they named it cheezies instead of cheesy. Although the name of the restaurant was quite odd, the food was beyond amazing. Everything on the menu came with cheese like cheese pizza, cheese hamburger, cheese pasta, and more. But today I couldn't even stomach the food or any food.

I sighed tiredly. I've always hated when people ask me what's wrong because every time I try to explain myself to people, they don't care ot they don't understand. People just pretend to care to make them seem like they have empathy. Nobody really cares how you feel. It's all an illusion. And when you tell people how you truly feel, they can hurt you.

"I swear if some boy hurt you I will beat him to a pulp, throw him into a lake full of piranhas, blend him in a blender, and serve his ass as a smoothie to great white sharks!" Grace angrily gritted her teeth as she said her serial killer-like plan.

"What the hell? Chill out!" I laughed but was mostly scared. I didn't know Grace had a deadly side to her innocent persona.

"It's actually family issues. I just got in trouble, nothing big," I lied to all of them but was able to look all of them in the eye. When someone's lying, you can tell if they can't look you in the eyes or if they get nervous. At this point, I've lied so much about everything to everyone that I mastered the art of being capable to look into someone's eyes while I lie flat out to their face. Most people say it's horrible to lie, but when you can get away with it, people don't question you.

"For a whole week? You haven't spoken a word once this week." Lila eyed me suspiciously but stopped questioning me when I noticed her arm wrapped around Ruby. Lila was scooted so close to her, there wasn't an inch of room between their bodies. I don't even think Ruby noticed because she was too busy devouring her pasta.

Lila's eyes widened at the questioning look I gave her. In an instant, she put the arm that was wrapped around Ruby in her lap. "Sorry I shouldn't of asked." she mumbled and I could see the hint of pink color her cheeks.

Did I just notice something that no one else knew about? I know assuming things about people was bad but...is Lila homosexual? The terrified look in her eyes gave away that what I just solved was something she didn't want people to know about.

She likes Ruby, doesn't she.

Oh my god.

Lila scooted her chair back and stood up, "I'm going to go to the um r-restroom."

When she left, Taylor, Grace, and Ruby had weird and confused expressions on their faces. "What's wrong with her?" Ruby asked after a minute of silence.

I shrugged while eyeing Ruby and smirked to myself. "I dunno."

Grace leaned forward. Her eyes sparkled as they met mine from across the table. The look in her eyes would make any fool spill their guts. Luckily, I wasn't a fool. "Ok whatever. Let's get back on topic. Is that all that's wrong with you Autumn? You know you can tell us."

This is why I didn't like when people asked if I was okay. Nobody I have ever met in my life has been able to fully understand or figure me out. I just want someone to look into my eyes, and know how I'm feeling without even questioning it. Is that too much to ask for?

It's a lonely thing, you know, to have no one around you understand you. Because when you explain it, they don't know how to help or how to react. I feel like if I was understood by someone, I wouldn't feel as broken as I do now. Sometimes, I feel like I've been made to understand the world but not to be understood by it.

At this point, I don't really expect people to understand me when I can't understand myself. I used to be able to understand myself a little bit but then I met Ryder and now nothing in me makes sense. One minute I'm telling myself not to feel for him because I'm scared of falling, but the other minute I'm jumping off the cliff I was to scared to jump from and soaring in the sky. He makes me overthink. No boy has made me so lost, not even Luke.

When my heart beats, it feels like heaven to fall for hell. But when my thoughts speak, it feels like a puzzle to try to solve the unsolvable. It's hard to stay intact with reality when the fragile yet protesting heart in my chest is at war with the strong but tired mind in my head.

This is why you don't let emotions get the best of you. Look at yourself. You're an emotional wreck.

And all I want to do is scream. God damn it hurts to think and think and think for hours. It was then that I realized I was destroying myself to figure out Ryder.

I am fucking destroying myself but too tired to care. The battle in me has caused sleepless nights and overthinking.

Even though I knew I was destroying myself, I was in far too deep this time to just stop let it go.

Standing up from my chair, I grabbed my backpack but stopped when my eyes landed on all of them, taking in their worried faces. "Oh god," I sighed, "was I spacing out again?"

"Yup," all four of them said in sync.

"Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind. I'll see you guys at school tomorrow."

"You don't have a ride," Lila noted in a monotonous tone.

"I'm just going to walk."

They all laughed at my reply. "Walk? Walk?! It's five miles to get home. I thought you were lazier than a sloth," Grace wheezed.

Even though I rolled my eyes, I couldn't help but laugh along. "I need to clear my mind. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Thanks for lunch!"

***

Brain: I can't believe how much you're making yourself stress over Ryder. Is he really worth it?

Heart: of course he is.

Brain: how would you know? What if he's like Luke.

My pace quickened as I walked down the unusually quiet sidewalk, my breathing unsteady.

Heart: he is not Luke. He is different, interesting, something to chase. I can feel it.

It was true, I could feel it.

Brain: but what if he hurts and leaves you? You will be left with nothing and more broken than you already are.

Heart: why are you so scared to feel for him?

Brain: because it's a huge risk. Are you willing to take it and be left with nothing?

Heart: what's life without taking risk? You can either risk it all or stay hidden in the shadows, overthinking what could have happened and letting it ruin you.

So caught up in my internal battle field, I didn't even realize that I made it to the local park by my house. Before I saw who was around, my feet gave out once they touched the freshly cut grass by the playground.

Laying on the grass, I sighed in content at the softness of the grass.

I am never walking again. That was awful!

The creaking of a swing from the playground made me jolt up in surprise. My eyes widened but then narrowed in irritation. Of course the person on the swing had to be the guy my heart and mind were so "gladly" arguing about. I should call him a jackass for making me overwhelm myself in the ideas of him. Thank you so much Ryder!

He didn't acknowledge my presence because he was writing in a journal. I wasn't sure if I should speak up or walk away.

Heart: speak up.

Brain: no wai–

"Hi Ryder," I squeaked and accidentally sounded like Alvin and the Chipmunks.

"What?" he looked up from his journal. When his eyes met mine, they widened and his pupils dilated.

His hands were in the way of the words written on the paper, but once he saw my eyes shift to the journal, he closed it immediately and hid it behind his back.

"I said hi."

"Oh...I thought I heard a dying mouse but nope it just turns out to be you."

I couldn't really figure out what to say because my brain wasn't working properly. It was the first time I spoke to him for a week but once he spoke I instantly forgot everything, but in a good way. I finally got to hear his voice again which made me smile. The sound of his voice was like my favorite song: I could listen to it all day long without getting tired of it.

"Why the hell are you staring at me like that? It's...creepy." He shuddered and stood up from the swing but didn't look at me once as he walked onto the sidewalk.

Obviously, I followed him.

"What the hell is your problem? Why are you avoiding me? What did I even do to you?" I asked, trying to keep up with his long legs. Every time his hand accidentally grazed mine, I had an urge to hold it.

"I don't have a problem, I just don't like you at all. We've been over this." he said way too quickly for me to believe he was telling the truth.

Argh! I wanted to rip out my hair. He was so confusing!!

"Are you just saying that or do you actually mean it?"

"I mean what I say," he mumbled under his breath.

"Oh really? Because your eyes tell a different story, jackass." He stopped walking. Well that got his attention. "You don't hate me and I know it. This has to do with Derek, doesn't it."

The rhetorical question I asked made him glare at me. "I don't give a rats' ass about Derek."

"That's not true because you turned cold towards me! If you didn't care, you would just continue to work on the project with me and not be so distant and angry!"

He was really angry, I could almost see steam coming out of his ears. The golden in his eyes spread but looked more like gold burning in a scorching fire, than just delicate specks of it. "I swear to god Autumn I will ask Mr. Rosenberg to remove me as your partner."

"Please don't. I want to work with you," I admitted and looked down at the concrete sidewalk. "We make a good team don't deny," I said shyly.

His eyes softened, allowing me to enjoy the golden specks that died down in the brown. But then, they darkened. "I still hate you."

I scoffed, "pfft. No you don't and you know it."

Silence wrapped around us like a blanket as we stared into each others eyes. I knew I wasn't the only one that was lost in the others eyes, because the look he had said he was lost too.

But what Ryder said next caught me off gaurd.

"I should. I should hate you."

Before I could speak up, he turned his back and walked down the sidewalk, turning the corner into oblivion.