“If I lose myself, I lose it all”

song: Runnin' (Lose it all)

Wedding Day Pt II

Driving around to clear my head, I found myself parked at one of the locations I considered my happy place, a lakeside view just a few kilometers away from home. Olivia and I discovered this place when we were in the 10th grade. During the long middle-term holidays of that particular year, my Mom got back early from work one day and caught us smoking weed in my room, and she obviously threw a fit.

Doing what seemed like a legitimate plan to run away from punishment, we sneaked out, got into my car and stated driving around until we reached this place. We got here just in time to witness the sunset, watching the sky turn purple while we sat on the pier. The night breeze blowing into our hair as the darkness started covering everything it touched and the stars started scattering in the sky, there was peace and quiet, and we got to be alone with our thought for a while.

..... from that day onwards it became our secret place

We spent most of our days here, just lazing around. The sun was always blazing in the afternoon, more enough reason to take a swim in the clear waters that looked blue but the deeper you looked, the water had a hint of green.

Liv and I would lie down in the pier just when the sun would start going down, looking above at the stars above us and just talk until we eventually lost track of time. Those were the little moments I lived for, the ones you reminisce with a smile on your face because they are engraved in your memory forever.

Closing my eyes after sitting down on the pier, my mind drifted to think about all that's happened throughout the years. What eventually lead me to actually thinking, you know what? I'm done.

I was hurting deep inside and all I just wanted to do was to start over, escape from reality even if it's for a few minutes to my own virtual world where I'm actually happy and content. One thing I knew, and I was sure about was that everyone was probably wondering what actually happened back there at the ceremony.

The shocking sudden twist of events and looks of disbelief I could read on the guest's faces when I walked away from the altar. They didn't know, they wouldn't either because I was good at sweeping things under the rug and acting like everything was okay and perfect.

I was just so good at hiding what was actually going on under the accounts of being private to a point that no one could even suspect the tiniest of what I could call a cry for help. The truth was no one could save me, no one but me.

Walking away from the wedding was yet by far the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life, but I felt relieved, almost like a heavy load has been lifted of my shoulders since I've been suffocating in silence for so long; I felt like I could breathe again, I'm gaining my life back

I know what I did was uncalled-for, and I'm convinced that no one was expecting everything to go down like that. I didn't either, but it was just something that didn't sit right with my soul.

When it started getting darker, I saw the bright flickering headlights and I turned to see Olivia getting out of her car. She must have known I was here. This was the only place I came to when I just needed time away from the outside world.

“So this is where the runaway groom has been all along”, she quizzed jokingly as she sat beside me

“I didn't actually run away, I walked away, which makes me the walkaway groom”, I smiled faintly as I entwined our arms together, and she chucked softly

“Tell me, how are you feeling?”, her gaze fixed into me and I just shrugged my shoulders

“I mean, what can I say except that pain is an understatement”, I shrugged again and her featured started to soften

“Don't say that”, her voice was soothing and gentle as she wrapped her arm around me

“What more can I say?”, I shrugged again. “It is what it is”

She remained quiet, studying me with her eyes and I could tell she wished she could see right through me and how I really felt. I wasn't going to break in front of her.

“What I don't get though is why you never said anything?”, she asked, her eyes still searching for mine

“I thought things would get better as time went on, you know? I just wanted to make things work, every time it was just about making things work, and I didn't even realize that I was drowning in a shallow pit of despair for the sake of someone I loved”.

“Why didn't you just talk to me about how you felt?”

“I didn't want to worry you. You have so much going on in your life for me to burden you with my issues”.

“You wouldn't be burdening me. One thing for sure now is that I feel bad because you were going through so much, and I didn't even know”.

“There was nothing you could do to help me, this was something I had to do on my own. You once told me that you read a quote that said, one of the happiest moments in life is finding the courage to walk away from something you can't change, and it was time to do just that”.

“I'm relieved you got out of this while you still had the chance”, she heaved a sigh as she rested her head on my shoulder

“So am I”, I rested my head against hers, and it fell quiet between us for a few minutes. “Tell me, was there like chaos at the ceremony after I left?”

She breathed out a laugh

“Apart from Melisa fainting and everyone looking relieved that you didn't go through with the wedding, I don't think there was any other chaos”

“Well that was certainly the wedding of the century”, I said sarcastically as Mellisa would call it

“No kidding”, she laughed a little before she turned to face me, “I have to say though, what you did today must have taken a lot of guts, and I'm really proud that you were brave enough to speak up and walk away”, she brushed her hand up and down my arm

“I'm glad too”, I coughed out to cover up a cry that was threatening to escape from my mouth and concern started raining on her face when she probably saw how sad I looked, and she stretched out her arms

“Come here, let me give you a hug”, she smiled warmly, and I drew closer to her so that she could wrap her arms around me and I hugged her back. Her hugs were the best, besides the ones she would squeeze the life out of me to a point that I could feel my bones crushing into pieces underneath my skin.

“I needed this”, I whispered as my grip around her tightened a little, breathing out a sigh of relieve as she ran her hands up and down my back, suddenly becoming a cuddle bear and I could feel the warmth of her body

“You're going to be okay”, she whispered back, and we stayed silent for a few more minutes before we finally broke away from the hug, and she cupped my face in her hands, her featured softening as she wiped off the tears I didn't even realize where streaming down my face

“For now, just use this time to focus on yourself, eventually as time goes on you'll overcome and heal from this and find someone who will cherish everything about you”

“I really appreciate that. Thank you, Liv”, I swallowed a sob that was threatening to burst out from inside me and covered it up with a smile instead.

“If you need anything or simply just want to talk, don't be afraid to call me up, okay?”

“Okay”

“I mean it Tristan”, she warned shaking me by my shoulders before pointing her finger threateningly at me

“I will call you, I promise”, I put my hands up in surrender, and she hummed in response, giving me that I'm still not convinced but okay look

“Good”, she turned to the side again and we both looked up at the sky to admire the beautiful starlight. I turned to look at her to see she was completely absorbed by the view above us and I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. We chatted a bit, reminiscing about all the good times we had at this lake, when it was just us against the world.

“You know, out of all the things in the world, there's nothing I value more than our friendship”

“Not even food?”, she questioned playfully, and I laughed, shaking my head no

“Not even food”

“You don't say”, she smiled, genuinely impressed as she entwined our fingers over her shoulder. “Something must be wrong with you because I'd never value you more than I value food dude”

“Shut up”, I laughed, playfully pushing her away from me, and she smiled a little, coming back to rest her head on my shoulder again

“But seriously though Liv, I honestly can't imagine what it's like losing what I have with you”, I said, and she looked up at me for a minute, a smile growing on her face before she wrapped her arms around me in a side hug

“We'll always be best friends Tristan, no matter what happens”

The next day after spending the night in a hotel, I went to the house to pack all my things up. I had already found a temporary apartment to rent in while I find a permanent place to live in. There was no sign of Mellisa at the time, giving me more time to take everything I had to my name and leave anything that would remind me of her or us behind. Everything seemed to fit at the back of the truck, I could just squeeze in my suitcases and travelling bags in the back seats. She could keep most of the furniture, I didn't want it. I was just going to start over.

After packing my last bag, I took one look at the place before I left it forever. At some point coming back home to her was one of the many moments I looked forward to every day and now all that had just perished.

Walking out of the bedroom to leave, was the very same minute she walked through the front door. We both stood in our tracks, frozen at the sight of each other.

“Tristan”, she said curtly as she closed the door behind her

“Mellisa”, I greeted her with the same energy, and she dropped the hood of the hoodie she was wearing, it belonged to me, but it didn't matter. She could keep it, burn it, whatever. There was something about her, I couldn't help noticing, she looked pale and distraught, almost like she cried herself to sleep last night.

“I just have one question”, she took a few steps towards me. “I just want to know why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you have to embarrass me in front of all those people, but most importantly why did you give up on us and walk away?”

“I guess I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me, and I didn't mean to give up on us, but things haven't been the same between us. The you I fell in love with had just disappeared, and you grew into this other person”

“I can still be that person you fell in love with Tristan. I love you”, she was now standing in front of me, stretching her arms to take my face in her hands, but I pulled away even before she could touch me.

“You don't love me. You love how it feels to be above and oppress me because it makes you feel good about yourself, knowing that someone is underneath you. You love hurting me and making feel like I'm useless”

“It's not even like that, I need you and I don't want to lose you”

“Ah yes, you need me to keep you together because without me I'm assuming you're just going to fall apart, right?”

“N-no. I need you for my own sanity”

“Your own sanity? And sacrifice losing mine in the process?”, I raised my voice a little, and her eyes widened for a second as she folded her arms.

“We're not going to fix anything if you keep yelling at me”

“Why do you think we're going to fix anything? There's nothing to fix. We're done. It's over. That's it”

“I really don't understand what changed, what went wrong?”

“What went wrong is that I realized no matter now hard I try, I'll never be good enough for you because nothing is ever good enough for you”

“That's not true, and you know it”

“Do I really?”, I raised an eyebrow at her, and she remained quiet. “I think you fail to acknowledge that I was always there for you. I was willing to do every thing you wanted because I never wanted to make you feel like you're alone. All I ever did was sacrifice my own interests in your sake because I loved you”

“So this is it?”, she carelessly shrugged her shoulders. “After what we've been through together?”

“You mean after what you put me through all these years?”, I corrected, and she rolled her eyes

“It's not even like that”

“Mellisa, the first time we broke up I found you lying unconscious in your dorm room with a bottle of pills in your hand. I rushed you to the hospital, fearing that you wanted to kill yourself because I was the one who initiated a break from our relationship so that we could both focus on our studies. I wasn't going to have your death on my conscious, so you know what I did? I stayed”

Silence

“The second time we broke up was when I walked in on you making out with that guy you worked with at the pharmacy in this very space we both share as your way of getting back at me because that waitress at Mochachos was flirting with me, and you just assumed I was flirting back because you thought I wanted her. You knew your tears were always my weakness, having you tearfully apologize to me that day had me thinking that everything that happened was nothing but a phase. And again, I stayed”

She was still silent

“Then after all that, you started being verbally abusive. Every time I started feeling good about myself because my career had just started launching, you just found out a way to bring me down because you couldn't stand that I was happy, and you were not the reason behind it”

She now dropped her eyes to the floor, fidgeting nervously with her fingers

“Then you'll start accusing me of things I didn't even do, throw stuff at me, yell at me every time you had a meltdown and despite all that, I still stayed. Was it because I was stupid and naive cause all the signs were there? Yes. I had every reason to leave but chose not to because I actually saw a life with you”

Tears started streaming down her face as she clutched on the hoodie she was wearing as she found herself a seat

“Despite everything that happened I still wanted to overlook all your flaws and settle down with you. Make you my wife and start a family with you”

“We can still do all of that”, she stood to her feet to approach me again, but I put up my hand at her, telling her to stop

“So that you can lay more ground rules for me and dictate how I live my life?”

“I don't-”

“You don't what?”, I interrupted her while raising an eyebrow. “You don't control me?”

She hesitated for a few seconds before sitting back down again, and she nodded her head

“The other day, after embarrassing me in front of my sister and friends at the resort, we went to my room, and you straight up told me that if I wanted the marriage to work, I'll have to cut back on the interactions I have with them because they're a bad influence, did you not?”

“I did b...bu but-”

“But but what?”

“I didn't mean it. I was just angry that you allowed them to talk to me the way they did. You didn't even try to stand up for me”, she reasoned in her defense, trying to pin her behavior on me so that everything turned out to be my fault.

“I was never going to cut off the people who were in my life way before you were just because you don't like them. So I made a choice; like you wanted me to, too bad I didn't choose you”

She just stood there, staring at me and I wasn't convince she was even listening to what I was saying. It's like she didn't even care.

“I see where this is going”, she laughed before scoffing mockingly. “This is because of that bitch Olivia, isn't it? She put you to this”

“Don't you dare call her a bitch”, I don't know how or when I walked over to her that fast because within seconds I was towering above her, and she looked stunned

“I can't believe you want to throw all this away because of her”

“Are you on crack? Is that what you on?”, I was legit dumbfounded by her stupidness. “I just told you all the reasons why I couldn't go through with the wedding. All because of you and you still have the nerve to point a finger at someone else”

“She never liked me”, she stated as a matter-of-factly and I heaved a sigh

“How shocking”, I said sarcastically as I picked my last bag and slung it over my shoulder. “I think I'm just going to go”

“Tristan?”, she called behind me as I opened the door and I turned to look at her

“What?”

“Thank you for wasting 5 years of my fucking life”, she spat, and I couldn't help but chuckle, I was actually shocked to be honest because she had the audacity to even say something like that, like she's the only one who lost out on 5 years on this relationship.....but anyways we're over this shit so,