My heart pounds as I pace around my room.

The feeling of her lips flashes through my mind for the millionth time.

How am I even alive right now?

Sure she punched me in my stomach when we got home but... I mean... I'm so fucking whipped.

I want her now. I want to go crawl in her bed right now and spoon her, while we snuggle.

What the fuck did she do to me?

I'm THE gang leader, ruthless, merciless, if you fuck with me you die. Period.

And yet I'm over here thinking of snuggling, fucking snuggling.

Who am I even?

They felt so soft. Her lips. I just want to take her somewhere where she can't run away and leave me.

My mood takes a turn for the worst.

She...left.

I came back to an empty house, and I felt so angry.

I didn't realize she mattered to me this much.

I sit on my bed and put my head in my hands.

She hates me...

I'm such a fuck up, I kidnapped her, locked her in a room for a week, and exposed her to her father, not to mention me almost forcing myself on her.

God, I suck.

Fuck.

After she left, it opened up something I thought was only a crush, but I was falling apart when she left. A composed gang leader aka King, turned into an insecure teenage boy, just like that.

Damn.

I don't even know her, at all.

And she won't tell me anything about herself, not unless she's mad yelling at me.

God.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this, I was supposed to be in control, leading her, but she's got me on strings like a puppet, I'm starting to actually want it.

Her.

Shit.

I pick up my head and fall back on to my bed, closing my eyes.

I'll just have her then.

I run my fingers through my hair opening my eyes, as my conviction solidifies.

I'll make her mine.

Nothing happened.

I'll just pretend it didn't happen.

I mean he was probably drunk and not thinking straight. That's the only thing making sense.

I was kinda drunk too, I guess...on soda. That's why that thought popped into my mind.

The only reason it did.

I groan.

Fuck it, I don't care anymore. What happened happened, no use denying it.

But it doesn't matter.

It's not like I can let him into my life without getting him killed.

Remember, you only have yourself.

I nod.

This is why I left.

But there's nowhere I can go now.

My mom's a mess, home isn't home anymore.

I think back to Ryder's warmth.

I shake my head.

Ryder can't be that someone I depend on. He already has this gang, people who trust him, a family.

He's a King, a leader.

If I try to join him, I'll ruin it.

I sit in my room, the only place I'm allowed to go now, on my bed. My door's locked now.

Fuck.

Fuck it all.

A knock on my door sounds and look up to see Ryder opening my door, closing slowly behind him.

"What now?"

He stares at me and I glare back.

"You really love coming to my room and starting shit you know you'll regret." I continue, now getting up.

I walk up to him, keeping a foot away.

"So are you here to pin me down again? Or maybe against the wall?" He stares down at me with an expression I can't read.

My anger boils.

"Are you fucking deaf?!" I turn sharply, going back towards my bed.

His hand comes around my left wrist and he pulls me back, letting go and holds me stable with his hands on my shoulders.

"I'm sorry."

"You've said that before," I state.

"I don't want you to hate me."

"Too late for that."

"You...hate me?" Hurt seeps into his voice and cuts a new wound in me.

This is to save him.

To save yourself.

I hesitate.

Just say it.

"Ye-" I start, but I'm cut off by Ryder's lips crashing on mine.

I push against him, but his arms come up from behind me and he holds me tight to his chest.

His tongue slips into my mouth and I groan, out of anger, not lust but he seems encouraged and goes on.

His hand slips under my shirt and I struggle harder.

His hot lips assault me and I moan as he continues to hold me close.

I furiously wrap my arms around his neck and relax into him, kissing him back.

My fingers run through his hair and he moans on my lips.

"Fuck Rose." He whispers.

I press him against the door, sealing the kiss, feeling his body rubbing on mine.

I feel his boner brush against my thigh and freeze.

Shit.

I pull back, looking up to see Ryder's smirk.

"You don't hate me." He says, seeming to tell himself more than me.

"Ryder, you don't get it. I already told you, my dad is dangerous, you don't want to get involved with me and I don't want you dealing with my problems. I don't need you." I say, grabbing his arms.

"But that's all I want." He says, staring down at me intensely.

I let go of him.

"Just go. We both need time to clear our heads."

He nods slowly and leaves looking back at me.

I jump down on my bed.

Fuck it.

______________________________________

10/8/18

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