I struggled to keep my eyes open for the 10th time that day. It had been a long day's even though I was not even half way through my 12 hour shift. Monday mornings truly were the worst. Everything just seemed more chaotic on a Monday morning. Not even my 3rd cup of coffee was helping me get through this day.

"Gosh Rosie, you look ill. You okay?". Sarah sat down opposite me with her own cup of coffee with a concerned expression.

"Hmm. I'm okay. Just struggling today, that's all". I brought my steaming cup to my lips and inhaled the caffeinated fumes hoping to wake myself up, but like always it was useless.

"Is sleep still a problem?. Hun, you should get something to help you sleep better".

I hated the fact that even though it had been two years since I had last seen him and Lucy's death, I still had nightmares and sleepless nights thinking about them both wondering what Dean was doing with his life. Bet he's found another woman and is probably living the high life.

"I'll be alright Sarah". But judging from Sarah's facial expression, I knew she wasn't falling for my act.

"Seriously Rosie, you need a holiday. Take a break. You've been working here for 2 years and you haven't had a single day off'".

I shook my head and stared into my black coffee grimacing at the taste, but I gulped it down knowing that my break was almost over.

"I will. I promise".

Throwing the empty coffee cup away I headed back to my desk and began to work on the huge pile of paper work. Even though I worked a stressful job as a Medical ward clerk, I couldn't be happier that my life was finally coming together. After living my life in fear and almost becoming homeless I had finally got myself back into education and got the qualifications I needed to work in the NHS. I had my own little flat not even 10 minutes away by foot and was making enough money to live a comfortable life.

Moving on from Dean and Lucy was hard, but I came to the realisation that I wanted and needed to focus on myself. It was time I put myself first. Dean made it very clear that whatever we had between us was over and as much as my heart ached and longed to be with him, I knew I had to move on. I have been on several dates, but none ever went any further. I knew why that was and for that reason I resented myself. The dates would always go down so well, but it was that one person, that one name that held me back. I hated the idea of being with someone who wasn't him. No man could make my heart flutter the way Dean did.

"So? A little birdy told me that Rosie has scored a date with Jack, confirm this for me". A smile came onto my lips as I signed off one of the many medical documents.

"That may be correct".

Jennifer wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me hard. Gosh people were so nosy about my love life even though it was pretty much non existent. I did get a lot of stick for always backing out of a second date. But nobody knew of the man who already had a hold of it.

"I'm so glad. He's had his eyes on you for a while. Anyone can see that".

"He's very good looking" I smiled to myself doing anything to try and take my mind off the never ending pile of paperwork.

"You've literally got it good. He's a doctor. Think of that money" she chuckled as she fell into a daydream of her own.

"I don't need a man for his money. I pay my own bills thank you very much" I corrected her with a serious face. But I was completely serious. After turning my life around, I didn't want to depend on anyone for anything. I conquered hell and had intention of ever going back.

Jen rolled her eyes and sat herself down in the chair next to me with no intention of ending this conversation.

"I've also heard he's got a big"-

"Damn Jen. I won't be sleeping with him" I scoffed. People nowadays had no boundaries.

"You're such a prude Rosie". Picking up the large pile of work I kicked the door open and turned back to Jenifer who was smirking at me menacingly.

"No. It's a choice. I will not be rushing into sex. I want to wait until I'm actually in a relationship". I stormed out the office and walked down the busy corridor carefully carrying the heavy pile of documents and watching out for people bustling by. I used to want to wait for marriage, but with how screwed up my head was because of Dean, I felt at this rate I'd die a virgin.

"Ah Miss Faye, glad to see you".

"Doctor Browning. I have your paperwork". I stood up on my tiptoes showing my head over the large pile of papers in my hand. Doctor Browning gestured for them to be placed on his desk before instructing me to sit down.

"I've been meaning to speak with you Miss Faye". Doctor browning was kind of like my mentor. He was a very stern man, but he was kind and hard working.

"Rosie, I've been looking at your records. You've not had a single day off since working with us. Everyone needs a break. So why is that?". He was always looking out for me, almost like a father figure in my eyes. I was notorious for pretty much having no life and spending it here at the hospital. I didn't want to tell them that I hate time off because it brings back horrible memories. Working helps to distract me from the past.

"I just enjoy the job". Doctor Browning stared at me intensely, his eyebrows raised as if he didn't believe me.

"Ok. I'm sure there is more, but I'm not going to question it. But what I am going to do is give you the rest of the day off. No offence dear, but you look ill. Rest up and come back refreshed tomorrow morning. You'll be based on the maternity ward tomorrow". I held back a groan and nodded sharply. I wanted to work because I knew the moment I got home in my quiet flat, I'd fall into space dreaming about Dean. Something I'd rather not do.

"I'm not ill Sir, I'm just pale" I repeated for what seemed to be the 10th time today. The perils of being fair skinned.

Dr Browning gave me a very small smile with a firm nod before picking up his coffee.

"Ok. Fine. I'll see you tomorrow" I waved to him eager to get home.

Rushing out of the ward and into the cloak room, I unlocked my locker and grabbed my belongings making sure my coat was fully done up before heading out in the cold winter weather.

The air was cold with an icy breeze stinging my cheeks turning the unsightly pale cheeks a horrible shade of red. I was eager to get home and indulge in a cup of delicious hot chocolate and a chocolate bar whilst falling deep into the whirlwind romance of my favourite books desperately wishing to one day meet one of the men in those books. Men in books were too perfect. You never find men like that in real life.

****************

I didn't realise how tired I was. Maybe Doctor Browning was right. As soon as I got home I collapsed on the sofa and next thing I knew my daily alarm was ringing off again. I was still in the same clothes and hadn't even taken my shoes off. Perhaps everyone was right. I need a bit of me time.

I groaned in pain and rubbed my back hoping to ease the tension from the position I had slept in.

"Another empty day" I sighed deeply whilst rubbing my eyes. But to my surprise I had wetness on my lashes. I cried in my sleep again? Stumbling off the sofa, I kicked my shoes off and pulled my clothes from my body before heading into the shower. As my body relaxed under the heat of the shower, I closed my eyes and lifted my head up to the ceiling smiling as the water hit against my face washing away all the stresses of life. This was getting ridiculous. It had been two years and he was all I could think about. I thought selling the house would help my heart to move on, but it simply couldn't.

Maybe I should go to the doctors and get something to help me get better sleep at least. After what had felt like an eternity, I turned off the warm water and stepped out into the coldness of my flat. Wrapping my tired body up in a towel robe, I hurried into my bedroom and picked out an outfit ready to change into.

Switching on my hairdryer, I quickly tugged at my hair brushing out the knots with my brush and heating my hair with the dryer. At least I had something to look forward to. Jack Reynolds was one of the hottest doctors in the hospital who loved his job and everyone knew it. He was a kind and down to earth man. For the first time, I was going to go to this date without thinking of him and I was going to enjoy myself.

Ensuring my hair was acceptably dry, I pulled the clothes up over my dry body and slipped my shoes on before dragging my body into the bathroom to make myself look somewhat alive this morning.

****************

"Hey, I got you a Latte and a Croissant".

Jennifer placed it down on my desk as she passed through the maternity ward. She winked sneakily before waving goodbye.

"Ah Miss Faye, you feeling better?".

Doctor Browning smiled down at me as he checked over his clipboard for the morning checkups.

"Yes, much better. Thank you".

"Excellent. Can you get me copies of today's surgical schedule and medicine checklists".

"Of course". I was about to tell him about some holiday requests but the phone started to ring loudly. I smiled sheepishly before picking up the phone and answering it with a smile.

"Hello Maternity Ward, Rosie speaking".

I listened to the receptionist speak hastily wincing as a lady screamed in the background of the other end. The receptionist sounded panicked and stuttered as she passed the information on.

"Of course. Send them here and we'll have staff and bed at the ready". Hanging up abruptly.

"Everything alright?" Doctor Browning perked up.

"Yes, just doing my job". I rushed out of the room and headed over to a group of midwives informing them of the chaotic situation.

"There's a frantic couple on their way up. Woman having very painful contractions in the supermarket and was bleeding heavily". The midwives jumped up and began to prep themselves gearing themselves up for what could be an emergency situation. I watched as the midwives hurried off getting a bed ready by the entrance as to help the couple as soon as they entered into the ward. I ran to the main desk and began to write down a few details and got forms ready to be filled. A loud scream captured everyone's attention and all eyes flew to the door.

A young couple walked in, the man clutching the woman's hand tightly calling out for help. Suddenly the sound of screaming dulled down as I heard the same voice I had last heard 2 years ago echo around the ward halls. My heart sank seeing him linking arms with the heavily pregnant woman desperately seeking help and escorting her over to the midwives who were ready to assist her. He stared at the woman fear tinting his eyes, still oblivious to my piercing gaze. I couldn't even blink, I was too afraid that he would vanish out of my sight if I shut them for a split second. I couldn't even be certain that it was him. Was my mind playing tricks on me?

The midwives rushed the woman away on the bed taking her away from the quietness of the hallway. One of the other midwives was talking to him before turning away and followed after the pregnant woman. He ran a hand through his hair and stared round the hall but stopped as his gaze met mine. It was him. He was standing there before me. The man who had hold of my heart. The man who left me. The man who hurt me. The man I loved. The man I hadn't seen in 2 whole years. Dean was staring straight at me. His face pale, his body shaking slightly, his mouth fell open and took a few steps in my direction.

He looked just as shocked as I did. My heart was telling me to run to him and never let go. But my head reminded me that he wanted nothing to do with me. And then the situation sunk in. Dean was here with a heavily pregnant woman. Dean had moved on with his life. And here I was still clinging onto the hope that he'd one day come back into my life. Dean was having a baby with another woman.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I realised that Dean was well and truly no longer mine. He took a few more steps towards me, but that was all it took. I turned away from him and ran back into the office slamming the door shut not wanting to look at the man I still truthfully loved. Sobs crawled up my throat and my breaths became laboured.

My heart broke in two. I lost him for good.