She likes me. She actually genuinely likes me. 

And I want to like her back so badly, you have no idea. But I can't. I really can't. After we stood in tense silence for the longest time, her strong-girl facade started to crack. I could tell she was trying to hold it in, maybe because she promised herself she wouldn't cry or something of that sort. 

She blinked a few times, her eyes watering with fresh tears. A single tear rolled down her cheek and she huffed. "Goddamn it." She quickly looked away from me but she didn't let go of me once. Like she was scared that if our bodies stopped touching this would really be over. 

"You're crying," I stated. 

"No shit," she sighed, looking at me once again. 

"Why are you crying?" 

"I don't want to let you go." 

Then why is she doing this? 

"But I will if you don't like me back. I have to. It's toxic if I don't." 

"Toxic? Is it really?" 

She nodded. "We're not together, we're just sleeping together, and it's hurting me so much, you have no idea. I really thought I could handle it, Reece. That's why I agreed to do this with you. But I can't do casual sex. Not anymore, I'm really sorry," she sniffled. 

I grabbed her wrists, pulling her hands down. 

"Reece," she pleaded. 

I let go of her wrists, letting her arms drop to her sides and I turned away from her, walking to my room. I closed the door behind me, ignoring the way she called my name. I sat down on the edge of the bed. I didn't lock the door, so she could still come inside. But I was hoping she'd give me a minute to get my shit together before she came to me again. 

I sighed, resting my elbows on my knees and holding my head in my hands. I wish I wasn't the way I was so I could tell her I like her and mean it. I wish she wasn't the way she is so she didn't fall for me and could do casual sex. This wish, that wish. Bullshit. There's nothing I can do with those wishes, they won't come true. I have a situation where I have a choice to make. I better hurry then. I sighed, sitting upright and starting to think about this logically now. I'm horrible for her. Absolutely horrible. Even if I tell her I like her and we get together in a relationship, I'll never be able to emotionally satisfy her. 

She wants love, she wants someone who cherishes her, she wants to be adored. I can't do that for her. I can use, I can throw away, I can make her feel worthless. And I'm not sure, but maybe I can even cheat. 

The door opened and she walked in, closing it softly behind her. She leaned against the door and didn't come anywhere near me. Until I looked up at her. She had more tear stains on her cheeks. She walked over and sat down beside me, hugging my arm. But neither of us said anything. 

I turned to look at her. "What do you want me to say, Indie?" 

"You're a logical person, Reece. I want you to say and do what you think is right. Whatever you want." 

"What's right and what I want are two very different things." 

It clicked in her eyes. She realized that I wanted her just as much as she wanted me. But that's not the right thing to do. "Why isn't what you want the right thing?" she asked. 

"I'll hurt you. Bad." 

She let out a shaky breath and kept her eyes locked with mine. "But I want you," she said, her voice wavering. 

I shook my head, "You want a boyfriend." 

"No, Reece. I want you." 

"Indie." 

"Please?" she whispered softly. "Reece." She cried, fresh tears falling down her cheek. 

I sighed and pulled my arm out of her grasp before I kneeled on the floor in front of her, looking up at her. "Indie, you know I'm not right for you." I held either side of her face, wiping her tears with my thumbs. I felt the urge to cry. I really did. We had this thing going for almost a month. And it was great. It was so great. And now it's all slowly slipping away. 

"Does that matter?" she asked, grabbing my arm. 

I nodded. "Of course, it does. You deserve better than what I have to give you." 

"But that's not what I want." 

"What you want and what you deserve are two different things, Indie. I want you too. But I don't deserve you, do I?" 

"You do," she argued. 

I shook my head, "I don't." 

"Reece, please? Just give it a shot, please? You have to try." 

"It's not a risk I'm willing to take." 

"What are you so afraid of?" She threw my hands off. 

"Indie." 

"Tell me," she barked. 

"I'm afraid of hurting you." 

"Hurting me how?" 

"By cheating on you," I admitted. 

"You think you would cheat on me?" 

"I think I'd cheat on anybody. I think that's just who I am." 

"Just because you think you might, you won't even try? You'll give up before you even start?" 

I nodded. 

"And why do you think you'll cheat on me? Have you ever cheated on a girl before, Reece?" 

I mumbled, "No." 

"Have you ever wanted to?" 

"No." 

"Then why?" 

"Because it's all I've ever known, and it's all I've ever seen. I'm scared to become what I saw growing up, Indie. I'm so scared that just the thought of trying scares me." 

"So your answer is no? You won't be with me?" 

"I'm sorry," I whispered. 

She wiped her tears and took a breath before standing up. I stood up too, standing in front of her. "Then I'm done here." She looked up at me. "I can't ruin myself anymore for you. I'm practically begging you to be with me. I should value myself more than that, right?" 

"Right," I said slowly, my voice soft. 

"Then I should go. Right?" 

I hesitated, my hands forming into fists at my sides. "Right," I mumbled. 

She nodded slowly. "Okay. I will. Bye, Reece." She walked around me but I turned around and grabbed her wrist. I pulled her back and spun her around, pulling her body flush against mine. She sighed in exhaustion. That's what it was. Not frustration. Just exhaustion. And maybe disappointment. "Now what?" she asked, not looking at me. 

I tried tilting her chin up but she pulled her head back. "Indie," I said softly. It came out as a plea. 

She stopped and let me. "I hate you, Reece." 

I tilted her chin up and started leaning in. "Good," I whispered before kissing her. 

She grabbed fistfuls of my shirt and kissed me back with more intensity than she ever has. And I had no doubt that she did that because she knew it was the last time we would ever kiss. She would never get to kiss me again. I would never get to hold her like this, kiss her like this, taste her like this. Neither of us pulled away until we absolutely had to in order to breathe. And when I looked at her, she had fresh tears running down her cheeks. 

"You hate you too, Reece," she whispered. 

I blinked at her. She's right, we both know it. I hate me too. She lifted a finger and brushed a single tear off my cheek that I hadn't even realized escaped. 

I was well aware that if I let her go right now, chances are, she won't come back to me and she won't give me a second chance. She shouldn't anyway. I would only hurt her. This is goodbye. I've never hated goodbyes more than I do right now. "Indie—" 

She kissed my cheek and then turned around before I could kiss her again or say anything else. She opened the door and walked out. I stood at my door and watched as she walked to the front door and pulled that open too, walking out, closing it without looking back. I stood there for at least five minutes even after she had left. 

I gritted my teeth while pacing my room. Whiskey started barking non-stop. It was getting on my nerves. Everything was. I walked to my desk and looked out the window. 

She was still standing outside my apartment building, crying with her head in her hands. 

I wanted more than anything to run downstairs to her. I wish I could. I groaned, cursing loudly, and pushed everything off my desk. Papers, notebooks, the lamp. Everything. The lamp shattered and the notebooks fell with the thud and the papers danced in the air before they hit the floor. I closed the blinds through a blurry vision and walked out, grabbing Whiskey's dog food and throwing a cup into his bowl. I set it down, glaring at him. "There! Stop fucking barking! Are you happy now?!" 

He stopped barking and looked up at me, tilting his head to one side in confusion. 

I rolled my eyes and fell onto the couch, lying down and draping one arm over my eyes. I sighed as I felt Whiskey jump onto me and lay down on my stomach. He scooted forward and started licking my chin. I clicked my tongue and pulled away. "Whiskey." He stopped and simply lay down on me. 

I pulled my arm away, tucked it under my head, and looked at him. He just stared back at me, not even eating his food. "I like her too much to risk hurting her. I did the right thing, didn't I?" 

He whined. 

"I had to let her go, right?" 

He barked once and then climbed off of me, running to his food and eating it. 

"What?" I called out, sitting upright and watching him. He stopped eating, turning to look at me. "Are you mad at me too now?" 

He turned back around and ate. I guess he is.

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