Sawyer, was his name. He lived a few farms away from us. Tall blonde with blue eyes and a total gentleman. He had asked me on countless dates with this charming smile on his face probably hoping that one day I would say yes.

And, this morning I did. I told him I agreed to go on one date, dinner at eight tonight, not a minute later or I would bail on him.

Seven thirty hit the clock when Nick showed up at the back door of our house, wearing a simple black tee and his grey sweatpants. I had asked him to stay with Madeline tonight because I was going on a date.

He didn't take it well, I could tell by the anger flashing in his eyes, clenched jaw, and fisted hands but he said nothing. He simply nodded his head and told me that he would be here.

Nodding his head firmly at the sight of me in a little black dress all ready for my date, he walked passed me and up the stair to Madeline's bedroom. I sighed feeling slightly guilty and started to doubt my own decision when the door bell rang interrupting my thoughts.

Sawyer showed up in a tux and a red rose in his hand. He took me to a fine diner at the other end of the town. He opened the doors for me and pulled out my chair like a gentle he was. I should have felt flattered by these small gestures but I didn't, I felt nothing. I waited for butterflies to burst my inside, it never did.

Prince Charming was one way to describe him. He was dreamy as hell, a kind of guy your mother would adore and approve of but I didn't have a mother and I was more into danger fucked up bad for your health kind of guy.

A certain guy waiting for me at home with a broken heart crashed by my own hands.

Regret, guilts suffocating me. I thought this was the best idea, this would help us, me, moved on. But, it all backfired on me as I started to hate myself for choosing this for not choosing him.

I felt like I was betraying myself and him. Fuck.

Dinner was good but the conversation was dreadful. We had nothing in common. Sawyer was the good guy with a stable job to support his family. He was innocent whereas I was the newest leader of a Russian mafia. The guy had no idea he was sitting on a date with the biggest criminal of all time.

He was eyeing me all night, fingers brushing my skin from time to time as if he was trying to touch me as much as he could. I didn't feel electric striking across my skin. I only felt the burning sensation hurting me everywhere he touched.

He wasn't Nick.

The night was starting to get old when we finally finished and I silently thanked god for that. He drove me back home. We stood on my front porch, him telling me some more jokes and I pretended to laugh like I did the whole night.

It was when I bid him goodnight that he leaned in and tried to kiss me. I turned my head away pulling him in for a hug instead and his lips made contact with my cheek.

" I will call you. " I smiled before opening the door and basically ran inside.

He would never hear from me ever again. Deep down he knew that too. I was there on the date with him but I wasn't really there.

I slammed the door shut, leaning against it for a support as I took off my heels exhaling a deep breath. I thought I could do this. But, I was wrong.

Moving on was hard, even harder when I knew he was here determined to make everything better.

I wanted him to, I really did but I was scared as fuck. Scared to get hurt again. I survived last time enduring the pain that was killing me slowly inside out. It was painful, I felt like I was dying every time he flashed before my eyes, missing him, loving him. I didn't know if I would ever get through that again. I didn't want to.

Breathless, I felt my throat starting to get dry, feeling of heart aching, empty, coldness.

Everything damned on me, it would always be him.

That night I went to sleep with a heavy heart and clouded thought, panicking over the fact that I might have made the wrong choice of leaving him, fearing I would fall and get hurt again.

My body ached for his touch, wishing I was in the same room he was in, wrapped in his arms as he tapered kisses all over me. I could get up and go to him but I didn't, too scared to fall deeper.

I woke up the next morning, feeling defeated by everything and everyone around me. Nick was outside shirtless as always with a nail between his lips and a hammer in his hand, fixing the fence. I stood lifelessly in front of the window watching him admiring god's work.

No wonder Madeline was so beautiful.

I poured him a glass of water before turning over to the window again. He wasn't alone. He was there with the same blonde woman, smiling and laughing at something she had said. They had gotten even closer than last few weeks when they first met.

I felt my grip tightened around the glass threatening to shatter it into pieces as anger burned my vein. Jealousy filled my blood stream.

I felt like the hypocrite bitch that I was.

He was here begging for me. I shut him down, went on dates and basically screamed at him to move the fuck on because we weren't good for each other.

But, here I was jealous and confused. I wanted to shoot myself in the head, chopped off my head, put my body in a box and throw it into the bottom of the fucking ocean where I truly belonged.

➺ ✿ ➻