I clutch the sheets and scream as Ethan makes me come. My orgasm triggers his and he thrusts three more times before he comes cursing. He falls next to me on the bed where I am still catching my breath from my intense orgasm. After Ethan's breathing is back to normal, I feel his lips on my shoulders. He places tiny kisses and asks,

"Did I go hard on you?"

I shake my head still panting.

"ll be back in a moment" , he says and moves to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

I look at his naked back and wonder how did we get here. Two months ago, when we did it for the first time. I thought it will be a one time thing. But somehow we are now here like a couple having sex at the least four to five times a week. Initially, it was about getting over my fears. But, not any more. Somewhere down the line, it turned to passion and lust.

Ethan crawls back to bed and pulls me to him. My back is pressed to his front and he is holds me close, I can feel this heart thudding in his chest. His nose runs on the column of my neck and I can't help the moan. I can't possible have more sex today, I am sore and exhausted from all the passionate sex. Yet his tiny kisses turn me on. Why am I suddenly so horny? For years I haven't had sex and didn't even have the sex drive but now its like a button is switched on and I am hot all the time.

I feel Ethan start moving his lower body with slow thrusts. I moan and shiver getting aroused by each thrust.

"Amy... Are you free this weekend?", he asks nibbling on my earlobe. I try to think but this movements make me forget all coherent thoughts.

"No... I think", I moan.

"Go on a date with me", Ethan says and I freeze. Date.. I feel like a deer caught in the headlight. For the past two months if there is one thing I couldn't stop thinking about is, it is this. Where are we going with this.. whatever this is? Is this a temporary thing? Is it friends with benefit kind of thing? Is this something more than that? If it is, am I ready for it?

Seeing me go still, Ethan turns me to lay on my back and supports himself on his elbow.

"Amy, go out with me this weekend", he says with his eyes piercing into mine. I stare at him as my mind runs miles per minute. Should I say yes? Should I say no? What is the right thing to do?

If I say no, will he be offended. As promised, he is almost back to being the Ethan I knew from when we were married. He has toned down his display of guilt and apologies. He smiles more, talks freely and doesn't act like I am a delicate china. If I say no will he go back to being the Ethan who was miserable with his regret.

What will happen If I say yes. Will we start dating again and then get married again? Do I want to go back there? If I am honest with myself, I would say the time with Ethan was the most happiest I have ever been. But it followed with the lot of hurt and pain. That scares me. The possibility that I can get hurt again.

And what about everyone else. His family. James. Kate. The media. What will they say? How will our decision affect others? Especially, James. He knows about Ethan and I had sex. After the first time, I wanted to tell someone. Kate was out of option since she still doesn't know about Ethan and me. So I met James the very next day for coffee.

As soon as he entered the coffee shop, I realized my selfishness. I decided to shut up and talk to Dr Karv instead. But one look at me and he knew. I could see he was not happy about it but only asked me if I liked it. I didn't want to answer that but he insisted. Finally, I nodded and told him that is the only answer he will get from me. He up and left abruptly. I thought that was the end of our friendship. I was blinking back my tears as I left the cafe. But James was outside taking a smoke. Seeing me leave, he rushed to me

"Amy, Are you leaving?", he asked me from behind and I jumped out in fright.

"I thought You left", I told him my voice soggy. He runs his fingers through his hair and said

"I just needed a minute to collect myself."

I nodded and apologized.

"It's not your fault. I knew what was happening and in the back of my mind knew I have to face the fact one day. But I just kept putting it off for another day."

He took a deep breath and said

"I want you happy Amy. If you are happy, that's enough for me". When he came closer to cup my cheek, I tensed and stepped back immediately which shocked us both. That is when I realized that I was still haphephobic. We stared at each other for a long time. Me thinking about not overcoming my fears and him about something that made his look lost.

"Okay, now I get it ", James said chuckling ruefully.

I asked him what he meant but he just shook his head and said it's nothing. I don't know what he meant but it felt like a finality of some sort. Since then, the whole awkwardness that was created after knowing he had feelings for me, somehow disappeared and we have remained close friends.

If I go on a date with Ethan, will that put my friendship with James on shaky ground again?

I am interrupted from my thought when I hear Ethan chuckle.

"That must be a very interesting conversation you are having in your head. Mind if I join?", He asks.

"About the date. I don't know", I say nervously.

"Okay... Next week I have business in Europe. I will not be able to get away from this. I have to be there. How about you join me? We won't call it a date. We will call it a vacation"

I always wanted to go to Europe and a vacation sounds divine. It's been a long time since I really went on any vacation.

"Okay, but..", I start and Ethan bends his head to capture my lips kissing me softly. I loose my head in the kiss and forget my train of thoughts. Soon the kiss turn erotic. He drags me over his body and has his way with me. I was so sore the next day, I had to call in sick and take a couple of aspirin to just move a finger.

Later in the evening, I met James at the self defense class as usual. Ethan couldn't make it since he had some business dinner. After the class, James took me to a Mexican restaurant. As we eat, I decide to broach the subject.

"Ethan has some business in Europe next week. He is taking me with him", I say quietly.

"Oh.. for how long?"

"I think for a week or two. I am not sure"

"Will you be meeting Kate ?"

"I don't know. I didn't ask him which place exactly?". Okay May be I should have asked more questions yesterday. But Ethan seduced me and I forgot my wits.

"What is this really Amy?", James ask giving me his full attention.

"It's a vacation", I say in a low voice.

He stretches back and studies me for a long time making me fidgety.

"After this vacation, go out with me", James says. I am stunned. I expected him to call out on the half truth. Even though I don't want to admit it. It's what it is. It's a date.

"What?", I stammer.

"I have been thinking. This touch practice thing you were doing with Ethan. It looks like it works but only with him. Maybe its time to practice it with me. So you won't fear my touches. We can go on a date and take it from there.", he suggests casually.

The very thought of being touched intimately by someone other that Ethan makes me anxious. I want to overcome this fear but I don't want to be touched by anyone else. Just Ethan. The sudden awareness makes me breathless. Oh God! What does this mean? My heart thuds in my chest when I take in that I am falling for Ethan again.

Right now, I feel like the same girl I was when I was 20 years old. The same girl who was giddy and nervous to go on her first date with Ethan. It feels like things hasn't changed much. I am still the same girl excited about this date vacation. But I now know how life changed after that date. I was easily swept off my feet by Ethan's charms. I gave up my life to follow him to a new life. Then the heartbreaks followed.

I have no doubt that this date vacation will change everything. I can see myself being swept off by Ethan again. But What will happen after that?

I feel a panic raise and I excuse myself. I rush outside to get some clean air in. My heart beats faster and I take deep breaths to control it. James rushes after me and tries to help me. After a several deep breaths my heart comes back to normal. James drives me back home.

"I am sorry. But I can't", I say softly when we park in front of the building.

"Why?"

"I am not ready yet"

"Amy, how long are you going to repeat the same answer? I only asked it to make you realize your feelings. Its time to come in terms with it Amy.", James chides.

When I don't say anything, James asks softly

"Do you have feelings for Ethan?"

I nod finally admitting it to myself.

"Do you think he will break your heart again?"

This is one thing I can confidently say. I am sure that Ethan will not break my heart. I has seen him suffer from the guilt so I don't think Ethan will let it happen ever again.

"No, I trust him"

"Then, what is stopping you Amy. Put the guy out of his misery. Both of you have wasted four years already. Don't waste more time.", James encourages me.

"But, what about everyone?"

"Everyone can go f*ck themselves. It's your life Amy. Be selfish. Don't give too much importance to people who are selfish themselves.

If its me you are worried about, I knew for a long time that I had no chance with you. I am selfish as well Amy. I want a happy life. I am not going to drag you into it when you clearly can't be happy with me. And I am positive that Ethan will do everything he could to make you happy."

"Okay, What should I do?"

"Stop over thinking and do want makes you feel good"

I nod and get out of the car. As I take the elevator, I become conscious that somewhere in the past months this place has become my home. Ethan has become my home and like James said I have wasted enough time. If the very thought of touched by someone else feels so wrong, then I don't see or want a future with anyone except Ethan. If Ethan is my future, I should stop over thinking this and let myself and Ethan find our happiness.

Just as I step out of the elevator, Ethan crashes his lips to mine kissing me thoroughly. When he wraps my legs around his waist and carries me to bed I decide that in this date vacation, I will set aside the misfortunes of the past and the concerns of the future and let myself be swept off by Ethan again.