Hey.. Thanks for the votes and wonderful comments. There is only few more chapters. I will try to complete it as soon as I can. Please vote and complete.

E:

I am late. Shit!. I shoot a message to Amy that I am on the way and rush to the waiting car parked in front of the office building to take me to the couple counsellor where Amy and I meet thrice a week.

As much as I would love if these sessions were to reconcile our marriage, it is not. These sessions are to help us build a relationship so Amy can trust me. Learning that Amy didn't trust me fully was tougher than I thought it would be.

After the first time, she allowed me to kiss her nearly 3 months ago, I was pumped. I was hoping that after a few kisses we will fall into the bed and then I win her back. But only if I had not been a total ass and haven't hurt her.

Apparently, Amy has a clear memory of every stupid thing I did or said and it subconsciously triggers a panic attack every time I try anything more than a kiss.

For a month after the kiss, we tried to move forward, get to the next "base". But we didn't get anywhere, even though Amy tried to push herself to the limits. Watching her suffer to breath was horrible.

When I couldn't see her suffer anymore, we spoke to Dr Karv and she suggested it might be more than the consequences of the attacks. She suggested a couple-counsellor who might help us with all the issues we never talked about. That's how we ended up in this session to sort our feelings.

The initial few days we talked about our good times. It was amazing. I never really talked about how we fell for each other and what we loved about another. Knowing what she felt when I asked her out the first time or how happy she was when I proposed, was refreshing.

Then we moved on to talking about the time of our divorce. Hearing Amy talk about how clueless she was about the reason why I divorced her, made me feel like the worst human being on earth. I never knew she waited for me in a hotel never our old place until she had very little money left in her account.

When I realise every stupid thing I did or said, I understand how hard or impossible it should be for Amy to forgive me. The harsh words I said out of anger never appeased me but it felt good that I was hurting her. But I never realized the scale of damage I was doing or how every single syllable will haunt her.

I might never be able to make it right with Amy but I learned a valuable lesson that no one deserves to be ridiculed. The effect of words has as much power as physical abuse.

Today, it's going to be yet another session where we will work through the day of the party and assault. Every session the guilt consumes me more and more, and it feels like I am fried in burning oil. Nevertheless, I deserve it.

Dr Warren greets me and Amy and escorts us to our couches. The couches are arranged to face each other making sure we look at each other when we talk. Dr Warren is a fifty-something women expert in relationship building. She asks us if we made any progress over the weekend.

In the last session, we talked about the day we hiked around the island. Amy seemed to appreciate that I followed her and didn't let her go alone even though she didn't want it at that time. The session was on a lighter note and I hoped we will get past kissing but Amy tensed up as soon as I slid my finger inside her shorts. Amy tried to calm down but I didn't want to push her so we ended it.

"From what I have been observing, I feel Mr Harris you are giving up easily. These sessions are not only for Amy. It's for you as well Mr Harris. You have to trust yourself", Dr Warren says.

I have not been pushing Amy as much as I used to before the sessions. I am not sure if I am the right person to do it. When I pointed out to Amy how she was allowing me to touch her, I had this confidence she still had a place for me in some corner of her heart but now after these sessions, I don't know if I even deserve it. I feel like too much has been said and done and we can't get past it.

"I think Ethan is taking too much blame on himself.", Amy asks quietly.

"What else do you think is happening here, Amy?", Dr Warren asks trying to make Amy say more.

"I understand why all this between us happened. He was angry and he was manipulated. Nevertheless, he should have treated me with more respect. But he didn't and I understand he regrets it now. I was hurt but I am working to let it go. I want to move past it. But Ethan is not. He is angry with himself and won't forgive himself"

This the first time Amy has said anything so stead forth. There is a new determination in her eyes like she wants me to understand.

"I also think these sessions are making him feel worse", Amy adds.

" Do you think these sessions are shaking your confidence?", Dr Warren questions me

"I... I did a lot of mistakes and I need to atone to them. I.. These sessions helps me understand the gravity of my actions and... I am not anywhere close to forgiving or forgetting anything. I think I can attain peace if I can help Amy. I need time and this opportunity to help her..", I say carefully choosing the right words so I express what I feel.

" This is good...", Dr Warren says slowly nodding her head. "We have spoken about how both of you felt in the past. It's good to talk about what you feel know. It's good to know where we stand now. Okay... So Amy tell me about what you remember on the day of the party"

Amy starts talking about the worst day of my life and I steel myself to hear everything she remembers from the awful day.

"I...", Amy swallows and blinks her eyes rapidly to not shed the tears that have filled her eyes. She is talking about how she felt on the dance floor after I made her dance with me.

"I knew Ethan hated me but... I didn't think he thought so little of me. He offered me money to spend the night. With him... And... And... I felt worse. I was transported to the moment when Matt threw 100 dollars at me"

Tears roll down Amy's cheeks and she wipes it frantically trying to pull herself together. I want someone to hurt me. I want to feel as much pain as Amy felt. I was such an asshole. So much hurt, pain and suffering, all because I didn't verify the facts. For the millionth time, I wish I would have just given Amy the benefit of doubt, we won't be here.

Dr Warren sits next to Amy and talks to her softly. Dr Warren is different from other therapists. She is not distant and unapproachable. Many times when Amy falls apart, Dr Warren's motherly touches and words seem to help Amy. Amy always craved for a mother figure in her life and that is why it was easy for her aunt to manipulate her. When we were married, Amy tried to establish a connection with my mom but mom kept her at arm's length.

Amy pulls herself together and Dr Warren asks her,

"Do you remember Matt throwing money at you any other time?"

Amy hesitates initially but finally admits, "Yeah.."

"When?"

Amy hesitates again and avoids eye contact.

"When we get intimate", she whispers

"What else do to remember", Dr Warren tries to make Amy talk more.

"That and Sandro saying he will pay me the double of what Ethan was willing to pay"

"You remember anything else?"

"I took the money...", Amy says and her voices break. " I took the money Matt threw at me."

Amy finally looks up and finally meets my eye.

"I am sorry Ethan... I shouldn't have taken the money... But there were bills to pay.", Amy says urgently pleading to understand.

Shit! All this time, Amy has been feeling guilty for taking the 100 dollars. I don't know which I feel worse. For the fact that I left Amy without a dime that she was forced to take money from that rapist or that I made her feel like a who*e.

I am next to Amy in three strikes and I crunch down in front of her. I pull her hands in mine and make sure she looks in my eyes.

"Amy... You don't have to apologize. If there is anyone who did no wrong in all this, it you sweetheart. I realize I have wronged you in more ways than I thought but listen to me carefully. I never not for a second thought you are a who*e.

I was angry at you and wanted to hate you but I never thought of you like that. You looked so beautiful that night and I wanted you, Amy. I wanted you so much. Watching you with James angered me more. Anger and lust is a dangerous combination.

Even as the words were coming out of my mouth when I told you I will pay you to sleep with me. I knew I was doing a great mistake and I should shut up. But the words came tumbling out and I regretted it immediately. I came after you to apologize but that conversation took a different direction.

I am sorry. Please forgive me. And that 100 dollars you took make you human nothing else. You were in a horrible situation emotionally, financially and physically. And you tried to survive that. There could be a million reasons behind your action but none of it defines you as a person.

You are a fighter. You fought as hard as you can to make something for yourself. You have fought your way out of rock bottom. You are still fighting every day. Don't dare slum yourself for the stupid actions we did. You are an amazing woman. Remember only that. Will you?"

Amy rubs the tears and nods. I cup her cheeks and kiss her. It's just a peck but I hope she understands what I meant. Only when I tug a few stances of hair, I realize that Dr Warren is sitting next to Amy. She gives me a smile and pats on my back before walking back to her seat.

"Let's wrap up today's session. Today we have achieved a new benchmark. Communication. This is what I want from both of you. Talk. Communicate. Make the other person understand what's going on. What you want. I will see you next week"

On the way home, Amy is in deep thought and haven't said a word. It makes me anxious. She usually tells me about her day and what she baked. But today, she is staring out of the window and I can literally see her engines turning. Did I say anything wrong, I try to remember?

When we reach home, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Amy", I call her and t close to her.

"Is everything alright!", I ask her.

"You shouldn't put yourself in the same category as Matt and Sandro. You are helping me but not helping yourself. I won't be here if it wasn't for you, Eth. James and Kate as well. They are not hurt by helping me. But you are. You are getting hurt every day and it makes me feel horrible"

"It's my burden, Amy. I did a lot of mistakes"

"Yes, I know but I don't want to be your punishment. I don't want you to look at me and feel pain."

"You are not causing any pain. I did it to myself"

"It doesn't matter who and how. When I look at you, I see Ethan who is here with me now. But when you see me and you see the broken girl from the past."

"No sweetheart. I don't. But I was looking at you are someone I shouldn't have hurt but ended up hurting. I will try to work on that. I promise."

She nods.

"We should try now if you are not exhausted", Amy says with a new confidence that I haven't seen before. She has initiated before but was always skittish. This time she has a burning determination in her eyes.

" Okay", I say getting closer to her. She tenses immediately. She is not ready but I am not going to shoot her down.

Tonight, I am not going to stop and I am going to push her until she takes the leap.