Authors Note:

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I need more makeup. I have pulled my hair in a messy bun but I consider letting it free.

Ethan used to like it when my hair was not tied up. Should I dress to please him?

Will it give me confidence? Will I have a panic attack again when Ethan tries to touch me?

It's been a month since I asked Ethan to help me. Yet, I haven't made any real progress in overcoming my fear of touch. I have only allowed him to hold my hand and touch my shoulders. Anything other than that I freak out.

On that day, when Ethan pointed out how I have let him hold me or how I have jumped into his arms a couple of times, I was hoping I will magically overcome my fears and become like Kate, confident and sassy.

But nothing close to it has happened. I can't entirely take the blame, as Ethan and I have spent very little time since then. Between my classes, Ethan's busy schedule and keeping this a secret from Kate, we rarely got any time the first two weeks.

After Kate moved to Geneva for her work, Ethan spent more time with me so I was hoping to make a giant leap but staying alone for the first time since the attack was making me paranoid. Every little sound was making me anxious. I developed insomnia making me tired and stressed which didn't help matters.

Dr Karv said I associated being lone to loneliness and I am freaking out because I am scared of being alone. She suggested that I work on one thing at a time and let me decide if I want to work on my fear of touch or my fear of loneliness.

I decided I will work on my fear of touch with Ethan since it was the logical choice. With Kate in Geneva, I didn't have to lie to her every time I met Ethan. I hate lying to her.

I moved into Ethan's guestroom couple of days back to avoid being alone which also gave us more time to work on my haphephobia. But Kate isn't happy about it. She insisted I stayed with James and finally James had to step in and coverup for me. I once again told James that it's better if Kate knew about my arrangement with Ethan but James is adamant that Kate will not understand.

I pull myself from my thoughts and stare at my reflection. Any amount of makeup will make me look as gorgeous as Ethan's ex-fiance Sandra. According to the media, I was the reason behind their breakup. When Ethan spent too much time with me, Sandra got upset and broke off the engagement. I tried to brooch the subject a couple of times, to tell him that I am sorry for affecting this relationship and I am ready to talk to Sandra and explain everything. But Ethan brushes me off every time I bring up Sandra. He said I shouldn't worry about her. But, I feel guilty for breaking their relationship.

I take a deep breath to try to overcome my inferiority complex, apply my cherry lip balm and go to the living room. Ethan is back from office and has changed to a blue jean and black firm fit henley which shows off his toned abs. My body heats up looking at him. He looks devastatingly handsome in his casual clothes.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am affected by him every time I am in his presence. However, I have learned to ignore the warm fuzzy feeling and act normal. But for some reason today, I am not able to control his impact on me.

I try to busy myself flipping through Netflix and not blush. Soon Ethan is next to me, handing over a cup of coffee. His body touches my sides and my first instinct is to move away. But I curb my urges and stay put. This is a part of the therapy to repeatedly touch me so I get used to it.

A big step in overcoming this phobia is understanding what really scares me. In the past month, we have been able to identify my triggers. My biggest trigger is knowing I am being touched. So Ethan touches me every chance he gets so I get used to him. In no time, I feel him touch my hand and he slowly intervenes our fingers. My breathing speeds up but he waits for me to calm down.

Once my breathing is back to normal, Ethan stands up and pulls me to stand before him leaving enough space between us. Crowding my personal space is another one of my triggers so he always maintains a certain amount of distance between us.

"Shall we start?", Ethan asks softly. I nod and anxiously wait for his touch.

First, he removes my hair tie and let my hair fall free.

"You look so damn sexy when your hair is not tied", he says huskily. His low baritone voice captures my attention immediately and I look up to meet his eyes. His eyes are hooded and I swallow the saliva that forms in my mouth.

Without breaking our eye contact, Ethan lowers his lips to my forehead and gives me a kiss. He then proceeded he kiss my nose, cheeks and chin. I tense when I feel his lips touch the corner of my lips. He realizes my fear and retreats to kiss my jaws down to my shoulders.

His soft kisses relax me and when he reaches my weak spot behind my ears, a moan escapes my lips. I am shocked by how my body reacts. But my shock doesn't last long as Ethan starts placing wet kisses on my neck. The wet kisses turn to nibbles and sucks.

Ethan slowly returns to the corner of my lips. This time, I am too enthralled to get agitated. He understands that I am relaxed and takes my lower lip between his lips and sucks it gently. Warmth spread over me and I feel like I am gliding. I didn't realize how much I missed this feeling and enjoy as Ethan continues to suck my lips. My hands fly to Ethan's chest so that I can hold onto him.

Soon Ethan starts kissing me passionately and I start moving my lips forgetting the world around us. When he nibs on my lip, I let out another moan and he takes the opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth. My fingers grasp his shirt and cling onto it to keep me from falling.

As Ethan continues to devour my lips, I feel this hand circle my waist. Even though I feel it, I am preoccupied enjoying the fuzzy feeling. Soon Ethan drags me closer and presses me to his front.

As if on reflex, I push his away and he stumbles back and falls on the couch. Only then I realize what I have done.

I am ashamed of my sudden reaction.

"Oh my God... I am so sorry", I say hurried.

" It's okay", Ethan says his voice is hoarse and I feel even worse. Tears fill my eyes at the failure of our attempt.

"I am so sorry... I was... I just... I didn't mean to... ", I struggle to speak out my thoughts as a tear rolls down my cheek.

I want to say I didn't mean to push him away. I didn't know that I would react like that. It happened even before I realized what I was doing. But I am not able to express my feeling and words get stuck in my throat.

Ethan drags me drop to sit next to him and says

" Shhh. Sweetheart. It'okay. You did so well. You let me touch you. Kiss you. We made good progress today. When we started this therapy, we knew there will be setbacks. There will be times we will fail but that will not stop me from pushing your boundaries. Only when we push boundaries we will be able to overcome your fears... Am... We did well today..."

He reassures me. I get over the shock of my reaction and realize I did make good progress today. I was able to let Ethan kiss me and the exciting part was I enjoyed it. It didn't feel like a task but felt like a sweet moment.

"Should we continue? I don't want to stop every time you panic", he asks softly. I nod and stand up. Again Ethan starts peppering kisses on my neck and shoulders. Soon my nerves leave my body and I relax.

Ethan takes charge of my lips and the kiss becomes more intense. Warmth spreads over my body and I move towards him on my own accord. When I press myself to him, I feel the bulge in his pants against my stomach and break the kiss.

We are out of breath and pant. I can't help but look down at his hardon. I swallow nervously, my throat suddenly feels clogged knowing Ethan is affected by me.

"Sweetheart... It's nothing. I can take care of it", he says and a feeling of dejavu comes over me.

I remember our first date couple of years ago in New York. When Ethan first asked me out, I was shocked since it came out of nowhere. I haven't observed that Ethan has been staying in the hotel I worked, just to talk to me. Even though I had secretly checked him out a number of time and looked him up online, I was overwhelmed when he first asked me out. I didn't know I would capture the attention of someone so powerful and good looking. I was not sure of his intention so I told him that staffs are not allowed to socialize with guests.

The very next day he checked out of the hotel and moved to a cheap one close-by so I can go out with him without worrying about Employee policies. I was amazed that he was willing to compromise for me and agreed to go on a date.

On the day of the date, I was a nervous wreck. I only had gone on a couple of dates before him and none of it was with someone who was as accomplished as Ethan. I was terrified at the prospect of being amidst affluent people. I was worried that I will pick up a wrong spoon or a fork at the fancy restaurant. Even though I bought new clothes and accessories, I was scared if wearing non-designer was allowed in the elite place he might take me.

When Ethan came to pick me up from my apartment, I had a speech ready to let him know how bad of an idea it is. But when I opened the door and saw him looking like an Abercrombie model dressed in casual jeans, t-shirt and blazer, all my worries flood my mind. He looked at me from head to toe, taking in my blue water neck knee-length dress. When his eyes came back to meet mine, I was as red as a tomato. He chucked and announced that I should be prepared because he was planning to kiss the hell out of me at the end of the date.

Throughout the date, I couldn't stop wondering what it would feel like to be kissed by Ethan and my eyes were drawn to his lips. The date itself was amazing. He took me to a casual beachside restaurant which had a beautiful view of the beach. After we had a delicious seafood dinner, we took a stroll on the pristine beach gazing at the stars in the sky.

The conversation was flowing easily and Ethan was nothing like I feared. He was funny, patient and observant. Even though we were from worlds apart he didn't look down on me and seemed to enjoy my company.

At the end of the date, he walked me back to my door, said goodnight and started to walk away. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I was expecting he will kiss me as he had announced earlier but when he was walking away, I was confused and wondered if I messed up the date.

Within seconds, Ethan was in front of me laughing at my shocked expression. He was toying with me and my cheeks were burning in embarrassment. I hurried to unlock the door and get away before I made an even bigger fool of myself.

But Ethan was quick. He turned me towards him and crashed his lips on mine. I was never been kissed like that before. He devoured my lips like a thirsty man who hadn't seen water in days. This skilful lips made me forget everything around me. I had to grab hold of his lapel to stay upright.

When we moved us back and pressed me to the door, I felt his hard-on against my stomach. That is when I realized he might want more from me. I pulled away from him suddenly feeling nervous.

I was not a virgin but the one encounter I had was with a friend I trusted. I was never the casual sex kind of girl. I felt I can bare myself only before a person I trust. Though the date was amazing, I didn't trust him enough to take that step.

Ethan understood my confusion and told me he won't push me until I am ready and he can take care of himself.

That night, when Ethan kissed me goodnight and left, I knew I would fall for him if we continued to see each other. And right now as Ethan leaves me on the couch and goes to take care of his hard-on, I feel the same warm feeling I felt after our first date. I feel like the same younger version of me wanting Ethan even though I shouldn't.

I also realize that I might fall for Ethan again.