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It's been a month since that awful day that changed my life. I stayed in the Hawaii hospital for a week before I was discharged. Kate, James and Ethan have been there with me since I woke up in the hospital. The first few days in the hospital was a blur. Kate said I was heavily sedated because my blood pressure was high. Then, I was given anti-depressant and sleeping pills which kept me numb and sleepy. After coming back to San Francisco, I was admitted to a mental health facility for a few days so they could conduct some psychoanalysis test. The test results said I was not a harm to self but I was suffering from PTSD. I was discharged with some anxiety medicines and an appointment with a therapist every day.

My therapist Dr Mary Karv has more than 16 years of experience in treating mental illness caused due to trauma and accidents. She is a strong woman with a no-nonsense attitude who was sexually abused when she was a child. She said she had suffered in her childhood not getting the necessary help and that is the reason she became a therapist to help others who are in a similar situation. Even though I attended the sessions regularly, I rarely spoke. I knew the whole purpose of therapy is to communicate my thoughts and feelings but I didn't want to talk. Speaking felt like a huge task and I was in relative peace when I was left alone.

Kate didn't take well to my quietness. She is a person who can't stop talking so she couldn't understand why I was quiet or aloof. Whenever I didn't give her a reply her face would fall and she would go quiet herself, it bothered me. I felt like I was spreading my sorrow to her. It also troubled me that Kate, James and Ethan have to take additional responsibility for watching me 24*7. Ethan reduced James role in the office allowing him to monitor me most of the time. Ethan also worked from Kate's home and slept on the couch. Kate gave up the grand she received for her research so she could stay with me all the time. I felt like I was being a burden. Everyday seeing them make sacrifices for me made me feel awful.

Two weeks ago, I got tired of feeling numb and drowsy from the anxiety medication and flushed it down the toilet. Up until then, I didn't have many nightmares. That night I had the worst nightmare. It felt so real. I could feel being dragged into the alley and raped, but this time they were both there and took turns to abuse me. It terrified me. When I woke up, I was in a dazed and felt like I had no control over my body. I walked to the kitchen like I was possessed and took out a knife. Luckily, Ethan was awake. He thought I came to drink some water and when he saw me taking out the knife, he jumped out of the couch and took the knife from my hand and threw it away. The sound of metal hitting the wall broke me out of my insanity. That night I saw Kate cry for the first time and I realized I have been acting selfishly. They were doing so many scarifies because they wanted me well and alive and instead of being grateful to them I was only causing them more stress.

Next day, I enrolled myself in the residential mental health facility which Dr Karv recommended. In these two weeks, I can feel that I have made a lot of improvement. I was able to share my traumatic experience in the group counselling session. I don't have frequent nightmares anymore and even my medication has been reduced. My therapist says that I am recovering quickly because I want it for myself. Today I will be meeting Kate, James and Ethan after two weeks. It's my family day which is a part of the treatment where they call my family and let them know how I am doing. In these past few weeks, Kate and James have become my family. When I was told about the family day, I immediately thought of them.

I couldn't exclude Ethan after everything he has done for me. Kate told me how Ethan was manipulated to believe that I conspired with my aunt for his money which lead to our divorce. I feel sorry for him. I know how much he adored his family. It must be a great blow knowing they deceived him. Even though I now know why he left me, I can't forgive him for all the other things he did. A part of me will always feel abandoned because of him. But Ethan has helped me a lot in the past month. If it isn't for him, I cannot afford all these treatments. He has been taking care of all my needs even before I know it. It's not just money, but his presence, even when I rarely spoke, made me feel stronger. I don't know what we will be in the future. But right now I feel he is my family.

I restlessly waited for the nurse to come and take me to the common hall where the family meetings are held usually. Finally, Nurse Melanie came and I couldn't contain my excitement. We entered the common hall and I first spotted Ethan looking devilishly handsome as always. He was dressed casually in a pair of blue jeans and a plaid shirt. Next, to him, James stood in his usual black suit. Kate rushed to me and threw her arms around me and I jumped. I have been sensitive to touch since the incident and jumped out of my skin every time someone touched me. She immediately removes her arms.

"Sorry I forgot", she says apologetically. I told her its fine. Dr Karv walks in and we all sit in a round table.

"Amy is doing great." She says.

"I can see that she is smiling", Kate says with a huge smile.

"She looks a little round", James adds.

"Thanks to you, it's all the special diet", I say looking at Ethan.

Ethan has been paranoid since the attack. He thinks that Sandro will find a way to hurt me. So he has added additional security to the facility, all the staffs are monitored and I can eat or drink only after the security approves it. He even sends a specially cooked meal. Before I enrolled here, he had made Kate's apartment a fortress. Regardless, I have no intention of pressing charges against Sandro. The mere thought of facing him again makes me panic. I don't want to remember anything from that day. I wasn't even ready to give a statement to the officers in Hawaii. In-spite of my hesitation, James convinced me to give the statement saying that there is no statute of limitation and I can press charges any time I want but the initial statement recorded is very important.

"Oh, She talks", Kate teases me. Dr Karv told them about my improvement and treatment plan. Once she left, I was left to spend some time with them. They brought burger and fries and we all dived in.

"Do you really like it her or you want me to break in and free you?", Kate says jokingly.

"I like it here. It's really helping me. Anyway, its only 2 more weeks"

"2 more weeks. I miss you already", she frowns

"Liar, you are happy to have all the house for yourself", I say

"That she is. She kicked me out the very next day", James says popping a fry in his mouth.

"Me too", Ethan adds.

"I allowed you to stay because you are handy when I need food", She sassed.

A sudden plague of jealousy hits me seeing Ethan and Kate being so friendly. I know about Kate's crush on Ethan. There is no doubt they have been spending so much time around each other because of me. Maybe they became close in the time they spent together. Kate is beautiful, successful and funny. They will be a great couple. Even though I have no right over Ethan, I can't help feeling hurt. I swallow my sadness and continue talking.

About an hour later when they were about to leave, I ask Ethan

"Ethan, Is there any job for me in your office?"

"Amy, I think you should take more time. If it's about money, you don't have to worry. I will take care of everything"

"It's just that Dr Karv suggested I should keep myself busy. I thought if I had a job, I will be busy", I say quietly.

"Oh, That's a good idea. I will find you a perfect job in two weeks", he promised.

Once they left, I went to my therapy session with Dr Fraser. She is a retired therapist who works part-time here. I like her method. She allows me to talk about whatever I want. Every day I meet her in the morning and Dr Karv in the evening.

"Amy, Is there anything you want to talk today?"

"Yeah but", I hesitate.

"You can tell me anything Amy"

"Do men find a woman like me repulsive?"

"What do mean by "a woman like you"?" she says carefully.

"Assaulted.... having mental issues?"

"Let me say a story. This happened a long time ago, in the 18th century. In those times homosexuality was a crime. One year there was no rain and all crops failed. There was a farmer whose land had very little yield. It was just enough to feed his wife and two children. When the Kingsmen came to collect taxes he had nothing to pay. He was arrested for debt and was sent to prison. In prison, the ward was a gay man. He took a liking to this farmer and abusing his power, he forced himself on the poor farmer every day. When the farmer had served his time, he didn't want to return to his house. He thought his wife wouldn't accept him and joined a monastery and became a monk. Several years later, when he crossed his farm, he decided to go see his wife. When we knocked on the door, he saw a woman he didn't recognize open the door. He asked for his wife and the woman said that his wife and kids died in starvation. The farmer's wife had no knowledge of farming. After the farmer left, the wife and kids tried to grow crops but they couldn't. Soon they had nothing left and died. The monk thought if he had not been afraid and came back to his family, he could have saved his family. He was too ashamed and decided for himself that his wife would not accept him. Do you understand what I am trying to say, Amy?"

"That I should not make my own opinion about what someone else will think", I say twisting my dress in my fingers.

" Yes, Amy. Each one is entitled to their own opinion. You have to put yourself out there and find that person who sees how strong you are for fighting so many battles."

"I understand what you are saying. But, What if he is a prominent man. Like one who has paparazzi following him?"

"Like Ethan?", she asks

I nod. I don't know why I brought up this subject to talk today. Seeing Ethan and Kate so cordial, it made me feel inferior. Even before the attack, I felt I was not good enough for Ethan. But now the feeling is more powerful. I can never be like Kate. She is so outgoing, accomplished and normal. Which makes me wonder what Ethan thinks of me now. Does he think of like as a battered and bruised girl who is unstable? Will he be ashamed to take me out in public? We have a weird relationship right now. At best, I can say we are friends. Truthfully, I know I am in no position to start or be in a relationship. But, When I recover, can I expect more? Will it be too late? Will Kate and Ethan have started a relationship by then? Will he even be interested in me?

"I don't want to sprout some love ballad. However, if a man truly loves a woman, he will be proud of her no matter what. And finding such a man is up to the woman."

I nod again.

"Can I say something if you won't mind?", Dr Fraser asks me

" Yes. Dr"

"I have worked with my share of patients and I can tell you, you have come a long way in two weeks. I want you to concentrate on getting better. I understand your feeling for Ethan and your doubts. You need to give yourself time. Time to find your way. You are only 24, Amy. There is so much you can learn, accomplish, experience. So concentrate on that. Focus on what you want to achieve in your life."

I understand what she said. She wants me to think positive thoughts. I realize I can't hold Ethan from move forward with his life. But I can accomplish something even if it's small. I thank her for her advice and leave the session determined to find something I am good at. Something that will make me proud of myself.