Mackenzie

The end of my week is hell. After Dane slams his door in my face on Thursday, I go back to my car and cry some more. Then, I get my game face on, and do my homework, pretending like everything is normal. My roommates have clearly heard about what's been happening, because they approach me like they are walking on glass. At least Kate is talking to me again, at least to ask if I'm okay. 

I try texting Dane on Friday but get no response. This hurts a lot more than I expected it to. All I want is to know that he's doing okay, but apparently texting me back is just too much effort. I tell myself again that he's in pain, and that he deserves some slack. 

I'm sitting in the newspaper office on Friday night when my phone rings. It's Noah. "Hey." My voice sounds like my throat is made of sandpaper. I haven't talked much for the last day and a half.

"Mack, he's not eating." Noah says grimly.

"How do you know?"

"He hasn't come out of his room since you dropped him off."

Dane doesn't keep snacks in his room, so I know that he can't possibly be subsisting off of that. 

"I tried to get him to open the door and he refused." Noah sighs. "Then Grant yelled at him not to be a little bitch and just come out and eat with us. You can imagine that didn't help much either."

"Yeah." I sigh. "I'll pick up his favorite sandwich. See if I can convince him."

"He doesn't deserve you."

"I know." 

"We're all heading to a party, so you should have the house to yourself. Maybe that will help." Noah says. "Sorry you have to deal with this."

"We're friends." I try to say with conviction, but my voice has a slight tremor. "That's what friends do." 

There is an extremely long pause and I'm dying to hear what Noah has to say. "Don't let him get under your skin, Mack." Is all he manages before he hangs up. 

As I pack up, I tell myself repeatedly that Dane is having a hard time and that he deserves my forgiveness. The words don't stick, and I find myself becoming angrier and angrier the more I repeat this mantra. So I give up.

I just have to be a good person for ten minutes. I just have to get him to eat some food, and then I will have done my job. My brain seems to want to think of little else as I pick up sandwiches for both of us and then drive over to Dane's house. 

Noah had the good sense to leave the living room lights on, and when I walk in, it's eerily quiet. As I walk up the stairs, I can hear the TV in Dane's room. When I knock, I hear it stop playing. 

"Dane?" I ask, willing my voice to not shake. 

"What?" His voice could cut through steel. 

"I brought you dinner."

"I don't want to eat. I thought I made that clear to Noah." 

"He said you haven't eaten since you got home."

"Why do you care?"

"Because I care about you." My voice is quiet, but I can't help the words that come out of my mouth. 

"Why? I was mean to you."

"I can forgive you for that." I say.

"You shouldn't. I'm an asshole. You should get as far away from me as possible." 

The words break my heart but I don't move. Dane has been nothing but nice to me since the day that he asked me to tutor him. I don't want to get as far from him as possible, because I can feel, deep down, that I really want to be as close to him as he'll let me. Right now, he's not letting me very close. And it fucking hurts.

It hurts so much more than I thought it would when I came over here. His words feel like stakes being driven right through my heart. But because I'm not a quitter, I force myself to speak again. "Can we at least eat dinner together first?"

"Give it up, Mackenzie." I can hear that he's moved closer to the door. 

"No." I say stubbornly. "I'm going to watch you eat this fucking sandwich if it's the last god damn thing I do." 

"Mackenzie--"

"You're not going to get better if you don't eat something." I cut him off. 

"Maybe I don't want to get better."

"Why are you being so difficult?" I'm ready to kick down his fucking door. I'm furious that Noah sent me over here. Couldn't Noah figure out how to bribe Dane into eating some fucking food?

"Because I want you to leave." The words sting. 

"You're an ass." I tell the door.

"Then you should leave." 

I'm not going to let him win this stupid ass game that he's playing. "No. I told you I'm going to watch you eat and that's what I'm going to do." 

"Give up."

"Like you are?" The words slip out before I can help myself. 

The lock clicks and door swings open. Dane looks like shit. His right hand is trembling as he lowers it, and his hair is sticking out at odd angles. He has dark circles below his eyes, and his gaze seems slightly unfocused. 

"Oh my god. You look terrible." Dane reaches to slam the door but I shove my foot into his door frame before he can do it. "Are you drinking enough water? Are you taking your pain meds?"

"I don't like how they make me feel." Dane mutters. 

I don't know what to say so I just sit down at his desk and unwrap his sandwich for him. He looks at it in disdain. "Eat." I insist. 

"I'm not hungry."

"I don't believe you." I tell him. "Noah says you haven't eaten since you got home." 

Dane glares at me but picks up the sandwich and takes a massive bite. "Are you satisfied? Will you leave now?" 

"I said I'm going to watch you eat the whole thing." Normally, I think this would make Dane smile. Instead, he just looks furious. I can literally feel my confidence shrinking as I'm around him. The ease of the rest of our relationship to this point feels like it's been shoved down a garbage disposal. 

"You can leave, I'll eat it."

"I'm not leaving yet." I tell him, taking a bite of my own sandwich. 

"Don't get crumbs on my desk." His voice is sharp and rude. I sigh but do my best to avoid getting crumbs anywhere. I watch Dane eat his sandwich. The silence is deafening. 

"Dane--"

"Why are you here, Mackenzie? What are you hoping to gain?" Why does everything have to be about me gaining something.

"I just want to make sure you're taking care of yourself."

"I'm an adult." This viciousness in his voice alarms me. "I don't need you."

"I didn't say you need anyone." Boy is he testing my patience.

"I definitely don't need you." 

I stare at him. Even when he looks like shit he's beautiful. His brown eyes are alight with an angry fire and even though I know it would be a terrible idea, I just want to hug him, to calm him down, to make him trust me again. 

"Leave." He adds, as if his words weren't hurtful enough. "I ate my fucking sandwich. Just like you asked."

"Goodnight, Dane." My voice is barely above a whisper as I stand up and leave his room, wishing that it didn't feel like I was leaving a piece of myself there with him.