《Beyond the Border》44 | rule 04
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Frozen in place, I was too stunned to speak, too stunned to do anything but hang my mouth ajar while my gaze remained on Ma. She looked so familiar. Yet, at the same time, it felt like I was staring at a complete stranger. If I had not set forth to find her, I wouldn't have given her a second glance.
She resembled a ragged version of the Ma I had grown up with – the Ma I was familiar with. There was no fiery tenacity emitting through her eyes. Instead, they were dull and dreary, like a storm had just been brewing.
Her eyes widened, dilating to saucers before she turned around and hastily went into the house behind her. Puzzled, I broke away from Vanessa, yanking her hand from my wrist. Determined, I strutted over to the front door of the house Ma disappeared into, knocking with as much force as I could muster.
The seconds that passed seemed like hours as I waited for Ma to open the door. Begrudgingly, the door peaked open a smidge, only the side of Ma's face visible.
"Ma?" I questioned, tears starting to pool in the corner of my eyes.
My tears were not ones of happiness. While I lived most of my life with the idea of Ma passing — she had been dead to me for so long — it hurt immensely to know she was so cold in her reception of me. We had not seen each other for twelve years. Twelve long years, and she could not even conjure up a smile. She could not even pretend she was happy to see me.
Blinking slowly, images of Ma running up to me invaded my thoughts. Surely, she would not be able to twirl me around like she used to, but my mind slipped there, anyway: a warm reception, both Ma and I with tears in our eyes, hugging so tightly our circulation was bound to end.
"Sage?" her face contorted before hardening once again. "You must have gone to great lengths to find me. For that, I am sorry. I don't want any trouble. You have to go."
Before I could process what she said, Ma tried to close the door in my face. In response, I stuck my foot in the doorway, gritting my teeth at the brute force of the door jamming into my foot.
"You owe me an explanation," I became heated, trying to open the door wider, but, between the slit in my hand and the cast on my other arm, I stood no chance against Ma's strength. She may have been just an inch taller than me – 5 foot three - but she was leaps and bounds stronger.
"I'm sorry," she said, but there was no remorse in her voice. She sounded impatient like I was taking up her precious time. Like I was an inconvenience.
She hadn't even asked how I was; she hadn't asked how or why I was on the Outside. Instead, she was quick to throw me out in the cold. Part of me didn't even want to follow up with Ma to see what she had been doing for twelve years, but how could I tell Pa I came so close to the truth only to shy away?
Theo cleared his throat, his footsteps long and concise as he made his way to my side. His hand glided to the small of my back as I suppressed the shiver that threatened to run down my spine.
"You might want to reconsider," Theo spoke, his voice booming. Ma's eyes enlarged once again, recognition fresh in her eyes; she knew who Theo was. She knew who Theo was, and she had a more pleasant reaction to him than she had to me. She stood up straighter, pressing down the fabric of her button-up shirt before opening the door.
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With the door open, I elongated my neck, trying to see what the inside of Ma's house looked like. The furniture looked brand new like no one had ever lived in the rooms. Little knick-knacks appeared on a table near the front door as if they each had their own designated spot.
Growing up, Ma had always been so messy. It was always like a tornado ran its course through our house. Herbs lay scattered all over the kitchen, along with all the different herbal books Ma was reading at the time. She often had the habit of taking something off a shelf or cabinet and never putting it back in its place. It was hard to believe Ma lived in a place so...clean and orderly.
"Of course, Alpha," Ma acknowledged Theo before waving us in. Theo lightly pushed me forward as Vanessa and Theo followed my lead into the house.
"How do you know he's an Alpha?" I inquired, following Ma on through to a living room.
"I live in his pack lands. While I am not a Werewolf, he is my Alpha," Ma explained, signaling for us to take a seat on the white couch.
Looking around, many different pictures were scattered throughout the room. There was a large fireplace with shelves on both sides; those shelves were filled with pictures in mismatching frames. Pictures of a family. There was a man, probably a couple years older than Ma, with a round belly and a long beard. A woman — Ma — would appear alongside him in each image. By their sides were two boys who looked to be around the same age. They looked young – either eight or nine.
"Who are they?" I looked down at my feet, not sitting down on the couch like Theo and Vanessa.
"Who?" Ma feigned ignorance.
"The people in all the pictures. Who are they?" I asked again, this time my tone harsher.
Ma gulped, trying to put on a wavering smile, but it did not stick. "My family."
"Your family?" I took a step back. Theo rose from his seat as he tried to comfort me with a reassuring touch on my shoulder, but I shrunk my shoulder back, walking over to the shelves with all the pictures to get a better look.
"Your family?" I repeated, the words not fully sinking in.
She replaced us. She replaced Pa. How was I to tell him this? Would I tell the truth, or would I lie? Anger started to fester within. Pa had been so struck with grief when Ma went over the Border he didn't eat for days. Gran had to practically force him to eat.
"Yes, my husband and step-sons," she said casually.
"What about Pa?" I exclaimed, taking another step back. I whispered, "what about me?"
Ma sighed, "that's no longer my life, Sage. I have put that time in my life behind me. I've moved on."
"You just forgot about us?" I pushed back, folding my hands over my chest, my face scrunching in betrayal as I looked at this stranger. A stranger I once called Ma. A stranger who used to read me magical bedtime stories. A stranger who used to tuck me in every night.
A stranger.
"It's not that simple," she said as if that would explain things.
"It seems that simple to me. You didn't get dragged over, did you? You left," I tilted my head, trying to read Ma's reactions. "But for what? Why did you leave?"
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"Again, Sage, it's not so simple," her tone was shifting – she was patronizing me.
"So, then make it simple," I sent a fake smile her way. "I'm not eight years old anymore. You can tell me the truth."
Ma exhaled. "Can I have the room?"
Ma turned towards Theo and Vanessa who were averting eye contact. They got up from the couch as Ma explained they could sit outside on the patio while we talked. Vanessa opened the sliding glass door to the patio while Theo took a detour to my side.
"I'm here if you need anything," Theo gave my hand a squeeze, removing his hand before I could squeeze back, enflaming me with a bolt of strength. I inhaled sharply, hands still crossed over my chest as I took a seat in the leather chair that faced directly in front of the couch.
"Is he your mate?" Ma's eyebrow lifted.
I sneered at Ma, and she got the message, putting her arms up as an act of defeat. She took a seat on the couch, across from me.
"Where to start," Ma mused. "The Borderlands is a nice place to live. Until it's not. Growing up, you think all the rules put in place are good — they're for the greater good. But, they're not. Maybe in the beginning it was that way, but, in the entire eighty years of existence, no rules have been added or changed. The Borderlands is not a place for the betterment of humanity. It's all about control."
"You don't mean that," I sat back in the armchair.
Averting eye contact, I knew what she was saying was partially true – the Council was clearly corrupt. But, given some time, they could be persuaded to inhabit the true purpose of the Borderlands: helping people take refuge from the Outside.
"I do, Sage," a small grin flashed on her face for just a second. "My Pa – your Great Pa – began to have doubts about the Borderlands right before you were born. He wanted a better life for his children, more importantly, his grandchildren. He was not quiet in his dissent. I didn't know it at the time, but the Council took care of him; they killed him. They didn't banish him. They killed him in cold blood for daring to think differently."
"So you left because Great Pa wanted a better life for his family? All while leaving your family behind," I was appalled, my voice almost coming out as shaky laughter.
"I told your Pa my feelings, but you know Chuck. He's a devoted Borderlander. He wouldn't hear anything I had to say. He said I had lost my way," she reasoned, running a hand through her hair.
"So, you just left?"I scrunched my face.
"I tried to reason with Chuck, but he didn't want me to be a bad influence on you," she spoke as if she were stating facts. She was cool, calm, and collected as she delivered her reasoning.
"What are you saying?"
"Your Pa gave me a choice: stay and fall in line with the Borderland rules or leave. I chose to leave," she shrugged her shoulders.
"Did you try to take me with you?" I asked, not knowing if I would have liked the answer – either answer. Of course, at the time, I would have been resistant to leaving the Borderlands, even at such a young age. But the feeling of Ma – my own mother – not wanting me in her life hurt worse than I could have ever imagined.
"You were Pa's little girl. I couldn't take you away from him," she offered as an answer.
"Did you try to take me with you?" I repeated the question.
"No," her face was light like she was relieving pressure on her chest. While her pressure was lifted, a hard pressure had been, in turn, placed on me. Ma did not want me. "Is that what you wanted to hear, Sage? No, I did not try to take you with me. It would have been harder for me to get on my feet if I had to take care of a child. You belonged with your Pa."
"Why would Pa want me to find out what happened to you if he already knew?" I asked, knowing Pa would not have put me through this if he knew this was how Ma would react.
"Because he feels guilty," she shook her head. "He gave me no other choice but to leave."
"Did you ever even think of me?" My voice was softer, trying not to let my emotions display my disappointment, my sadness, my despair.
"Yes, I did for a while. But, I was dead to you — I was as good as dead. So, I had to think the same about you and Pa. You both were dead to me. It was the only way for me to move on," she was so rational in her response, almost as if she had rehearsed her answers. She had twelve years to conjure up an explanation.
"I'm dead to you?" I had to ask.
Silence. There was silence. Ma did not even open her mouth to try and defend herself.
"You were right," I stood up, turning away so I did not have to look at the person I used to hold dear. "The Borderlands was wrong about something. You don't have to be supernatural to be a monster."
Not when Ma became a monster all on her own. She acted as if she could wipe her hands clean of me – wipe her hands clean of her past life. And, maybe she could. Maybe, that was why she put a block up, but just because she chose to ignore her true self – the monster within – did not mean it was not there. She could go on fooling her family, but I saw her for who she really was.
"Sage."
"You abandoned your family — your own daughter, your child," My shoulders were hunched, my lip quivering as I swiped the tears away from my cheek.
"I had no other choice," she breathed raggedly.
I didn't know why she was trying to change my mind. It seemed like she had already moved on. I wasn't a part of her life, and she did not seem upset by that. She moved on.
"You had no other choice, or you didn't want to make a different one?" I questioned her. "Now, you have a whole new family. I hope you don't abandon them, as well. I hope you don't run off in the middle of the night as you did twelve years ago. I hope your step-sons don't wake up in the middle of the night for months on end, screaming from a horrible nightmare that their Ma died — no, murdered was the right word for it – because I thought a beast had taken you. Turns out that beast was you. My Ma."
"Sage," she sounded defeated as I marched towards the front door. "Sage, where are you going?"
I turned my head around. "I'm leaving. You're probably not familiar with being on the receiving end of someone leaving your life."
Huffing, I opened the front door, slamming it shut. I walked over to the sidewalk and kept walking forward. I did not know where I was going. I just knew I had to get away. I had to get away from Ma or else I would explode.
Tears started to stream down my face as I looked down on the sidewalk, unaware of my surroundings. Why was I crying for a woman who clearly didn't love me? She didn't love me. My own Ma didn't love me. Or, at the very least, she did not love me enough.
My vision started to distort like I was having an out-of-body experience. As I walked, my knees wobbled, hands shaking. My breathing was rapid, sounding like a dog panting on repeat. Despite almost falling over, I trudged on, trying to get as far away from Ma as possible.
Wallowing in my pain, I almost didn't hear Vanessa call after me: "hey! wait up."
Fervently, I wiped all the tears I could off on my shirt. Sniffling to clear my airways, I stopped walking and turned towards Vanessa who did not look thrilled to be running after me, the wind blowing her long hair back in her face.
"Where's Theo?" I looked around, but he was nowhere to be found.
"He tried to come. Trust me. He's the most stubborn man I've ever met, but I told him to hang back," she panted once she reached me, hunching over to catch her breath.
"Why?"
"I, too, have a demon for a mom. I, of course, ended up killing her because she was an actual demon — at least I think," she rambled on before standing straight up, wiping a bead of sweat that dripped from her forehead. "Okay, what I'm trying to say is I know how you're feeling. Think of this as my final service for you picking the right path: emotional support. I might need a copious amount of therapy, but that doesn't mean I can't be there for someone else. For you. Just don't tell me any more about this. It truly would be embarrassing, and I'd rather not have even more people trying to use me."
I was about to awkwardly pat her on the shoulder when a light went off in my head. "Can I ask you a favor?" I sought permission, but I did not wait for her to respond before continuing. "Come to the Borderlands with me. Come to the Borderlands with me right now."
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