It was a relief when Florian called me an hour later and asked me to come and meet him and Nicola at Cupid's Den. At first, I thought it would just be uncomfortable to be around people in the state I was in, but when Florian threatened to come to my place instead, I agreed. Thoughts of the meeting with Simon had been swirling around in my head and it was impossible for me to sort them out, what I was feeling or not feeling. As usual, I couldn't turn my brain off either.

I had made a fool of myself, that much I was sure of. Simon probably thought I was a bloody hypocrite, one minute getting angry that Ash had sent him to me and the next making insinuating comments. That hadn't been my intention. At the same time, I didn't know why I had said it. What did I really feel for Simon? Did I even want to ask myself that question? I couldn't have said that, thought that way about his suggestion of distraction, if there wasn't something there. Or I could have, just because I was too exhausted to think straight.

Florian was sitting with Nicola when I arrived at their table at the club. It was only on the bus into town that I even reflected on how Florian had found out about what had happened, but I suspected that word travelled fast. Maybe it was even that bastard Keith who was the source of the rumor, but I just didn't have the energy to care anymore. It didn't take ten seconds before there was a glass in front of me on the table. But to my surprise, it wasn't a colored shot or umbrella drink, as Florian used to offer. When I looked at him questioningly, he just pushed the glass closer to me.

"Sometimes you need heavier stuff than pear schnapps," he said. "Whiskey. Drink up. Then we'll talk."

Without protest, I gulped everything down. It burned all the way to my stomach and reminded me that I had barely eaten anything in a day. Somewhere I knew I should eat something so I wouldn't get drunk within ten minutes, but just the thought of food made me nauseous.

"He thinks we should break up and sent Simon to my place to... keep me company, and you can imagine what he means by that, he thinks I should move on and not be held back by him being where he is," I said in a single exhale as I put the glass back down on the table.

Florian just looked at me at first. Then both he and Nicola burst out laughing. I was almost pissed off. Did they think this was something to laugh about? Florian seemed to have seen my reaction and rolled his eyes.

"That, you see Jamie, is Ash in a nutshell," he smiled.

"What the hell do you mean?" I hissed, unable to stop myself. "He's not himself at all."

"That goes back to what I said to you about him not having the guts to go for it before. That he hasn't wanted to commit to anyone because he's afraid. Now he has anyway, and this happens. Then he thinks it's best to let go, fast as fuck. But in this case, he thinks he's doing you a favor, because he's let you down."

I groaned in frustration.

"He's not doing me a fucking favor," I muttered. "And Simon visiting earlier only made it worse."

And as if his name was somehow magical, I suddenly saw Simon standing at the bar, accepting a beer and then walking towards our table. What was he doing here? Was he stalking me? Was this something Ash had told him to do? But then I stopped myself. Simon was actually allowed to go out as much as I was. But still, I couldn't help feeling a little panicky. I had no desire to talk to him now. To my great relief, Florian came to my rescue.

"Simon, you know I love you," Florian said with a grand gesture as Simon started to sit down at our table. "But tonight, I want Jamie all to myself, actually. I'm sure you understand."

At first Simon looked surprised, but then nodded and made his way through the crowd. I looked gratefully at Florian, who smiled crookedly at me. Then he looked briefly at Nicola.

"A hundred bucks?" he said cryptically.

"No way," Nicola smiled. "It's too obvious."

Then Florian looked at me again. I didn't understand what they were talking about.

"Let me guess," Florian grinned. "The three of you have been having fun together and now you're unsure of how you feel about Simon, just because Ash has practically pushed you into Simon's arms as some sort of replacement for him?"

I just sat there gaping, cheeks burning from his blunt truth. How could he understand it so perfectly? Could Florian also read me like an open book?

"How the hell do you know?" I finally got out.

"I've been around for a while. You're new, it was probably your first threesome and that always makes you have thoughts afterwards. Then Ash getting caught and putting crickets in your head with his ramblings, and Simon coming to see you, makes your thoughts even more tangled. You want me to untangle them for you?"

"If you can do that, you're fucking brilliant," I muttered miserably.

Florian smiled confidently and stretched as he cracked his knuckles, like he was going for the kill. He almost looked like he was enjoying the situation and I couldn't understand why.

"Your head is using Simon as a proxy for Ash," he said calmly, looking at me as if what he was saying was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What?" I said, confused.

"What you're feeling is really for Ash, but since he's not there and has also told you that you should stop thinking about him and start enjoying Simon, your brain is misinterpreting it a bit. You're stressed as hell, no wonder. Trust me, it's Ash you have feelings for. Then again, Simon is a very nice guy too, but he knows better than to do what Ash tells him to do, trust me. You don't have to worry about Simon, he knows what he's doing."

"But there's nothing wrong with triads, if you ask me," Nicola added with a dreamy smile.

Florian gave him a sharp look.

"Now, let's not exaggerate," he said firmly. "Jamie's nervous enough as it is."

But I barely heard the last thing they said because I was busy thinking about what Florian had just told me. Could it be? I forced myself to think back to that afternoon, when Simon had offered to distract me, and the feelings I had then. If I replaced Simon with Ash, if Ash had been there instead, said those things. My whole body shuddered when I realized it. Then it certainly wouldn't have stopped at talk. It stung like needles in my heart, I missed him so much. Suddenly the phone in my pocket vibrated and I quickly dug it out.

"Managed to pull some strings. Ash will be out on bail tomorrow morning, I've arranged the payment so you don't have to worry about that now. Love Dad."

The joy rushed through my body so quickly that I gave a roar and slammed my fist into the table, causing both Florian and Nicola to flinch in terror. But I didn't care that I had scared them out of their minds, all I could think about was Ash coming home to me again. It didn't matter that he was still facing prison, that he could disappear again, I would see him again tomorrow and not in a fucking visiting room. I quickly explained to Florian and Nicola.

"You have a saint for a father, you know that?" Florian said. "I hope Ash has thanked him."

I was suddenly uneasy. The way Ash was behaving now, I wasn't even sure he would consider it a good idea to come home while awaiting trial. Had he really thanked my father?

"I have to get him to stop thinking like he does now," I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut. "I want him back the way he really is. I just have no fucking idea how."

Florian put a hand on my arm. His smile was secretive.

"I think you know exactly how if you just think about it a little. Play on what he can't resist, simple as that."

***

I had fallen asleep from pure exhaustion and probably the alcohol had helped too. Florian's words about playing on what Ash couldn't resist were ringing in my ears as I sat at the breakfast table trying to wake up. I wasn't sure what he meant. Did he mean sex? It wouldn't have surprised me, but the way Ash had seemed when I met him, he hadn't been in the mood for it at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. And to be honest, all I could think about was having his arms around me again, that was as far as I stretched my mind. But would Ash even be happy to get out of jail?

Every time someone walked outside the front door, my body tensed. Every time I thought it was him and every time, I was disappointed. I tried to tell myself that he would be relieved to be released, but deep down I knew that he would probably think it was just adding to the suffering. My supposed suffering. Why was he being so damn stubborn?

Finally, I went into the bedroom and put on my collar. Surely, he would feel something if he saw me wearing it, he had to be reminded of what it meant and that it wasn't something to just throw away. After all, he had given it to me. And it meant as much to him as it did to me, he couldn't deny that.

Suddenly the door slammed, and I rushed out into the hall. Ash stood there hanging off his jacket and I pulled him into an intense hug without a second thought. It was like little fireworks exploding inside me as I finally felt him close again and my whole mind filled with cotton as his arms wrapped around me. But instead of hugging me back, I felt him gently pull away and the chill crept into me.

"Jamie, please," he said quietly. "It's hard enough as it is. You know it won't last."

I went desperate. Couldn't he even try to enjoy it for a little while?

"Stop talking like that," I said, trying to catch his eye. "Can you just be in the moment for a little bit? You've just come out, I've been dying to have you back. Can't we just pretend nothing happened?"

He shrugged and walked past me, continuing into the bedroom. There he began to dig out his clothes from the closet and fold them into one of the garbage bags. What was he doing? His face was completely blank, and it was like he was on some kind of strange autopilot.

"I better start packing now," he muttered distractedly, giving the riding whip in the corner a glance. "You can keep... the toys."

The anger came out of nowhere and sizzled through me like acid. If affection didn't get to him, I sure as hell wouldn't be affectionate either. I would force him back with something else. I was going to shock him back.

"So this is who you are?" I said, standing provocatively close to him. "A fucking quitter who runs and hides whenever something happens? I didn't expect that about you."

Ash paused in his movements and his eyebrows furrowed. But then he seemed to compose himself again and continued packing.

"I'm not a quitter, I'm just realistic."

"Realistic? Then you won't have to fold your clothes so damn carefully either because you won't need them soon anyway."

I snatched the sweater he was folding out of his hand and threw it on the floor, looking up at him defiantly. Something stirred in his gaze, and that gave me the energy to continue.

"Nice of you to let me keep the toys. Should I call Simon over so you can explain to him how to use them?"

Now he looked downright startled.

"What the hell do you mean?" he said between tightly clenched jaws.

"You thought I should go for him instead, isn't that what you meant?" I sneered and picked up the riding crop. "But I think Simon already knows how this one works. But maybe you might wanna watch him practice with me, so you can check that he' s doing it right?"

"What the hell-," Ash started, but I just kept going.

"What about the collar, I guess Simon wants to give me a collar of his own, so do you want this back? Because you're actually too much of a pussy for me to want to wear it."

I started unlocking the metal clasp with one hand and stared at him questioningly. I could see the exact moment when it snapped for him. His sapphire eyes flashed, and he ripped my hand away from the clasp and tied my arm up behind my back. I thudded against his chest from the sudden movement and was instantly scared. Had I gone too far now? The darkness in his eyes was greater than I had ever seen it and I could feel his breath on my face. He looked furious.

"Don't you dare take off that collar," he growled, his grip on my arm tightening. "That you have the nerve to talk to me like that when you're wearing it, don't you have any self-preservation at all?"

Had I managed to shake him enough? It looked that way, but I wasn't sure. So even though the worry about his strong reaction was flying around inside me like frightened birds, I couldn't help but twist the knife once more.

"What are you gonna do about it then? I thought you'd set me free," I spat, staring at him challengingly.

"Oh, you naive little brat, you have no idea what I'm gonna do to you," he purred, the threat in his voice telling me that I was probably going to regret this. "You'll be on your knees begging for forgiveness before I'm done with you. Have you forgotten that I enjoy inflicting pain? And you've certainly earned yourself some serious punishment right now, kitten."