I didn't have the energy to go to Nathan, as I had planned to do. The tension from the visit to the detention center and what Ash had said had drained my body, the strength it had taken to just stand up to him had sucked the breath out of me completely so I went home instead. What could I do at Nathan's place anyway? I might as well call him instead.

It was hard not to let my own selfishness get the better of me after I'd told him what had happened, what accusations Ash was facing. If only Nathan would open his mouth, it would all be over. But I knew it wasn't that simple. I just wanted it to be. And I could tell from Nathan that he was having a hard time dealing with what I was saying. He probably understood what I wanted deep down but didn't want to pretend like he did.

It was easier to talk to my dad. He stuck strictly to his role as a lawyer and didn't involve emotions at all. The only time I could hear even a glimpse of what he was really feeling was when I told him that I had failed to persuade Ash to tell the truth.

"I'm sorry, Jamie, but I can't lie and say this is gonna be easy," he muttered. "There's not much going for Ash right now. But you know I'm doing everything I can. I'll try to get him out on bail, but it all depends on whether the judge agrees to it and how high bail he sets. Do you know if Ash has any money set aside?"

Hell, as far as I knew, Ash only had the money he had in salary every month and nothing more. He was living hand to mouth.

"No, I don't think so," I replied, feeling the cold sweat start to run down my back. "He... probably doesn't have any money at all."

"So, that bad, huh. Well, we're not there yet. We'll deal with that problem when it comes, ok?"

"Ok," I whispered into the phone.

"Your mom says hello, by the way."

"Say hello back."

I let the phone slide down between my legs onto the couch and put my arm over my head, closing my eyes. Being this paralyzed made me insane. Not being in control of what was happening, not being able to affect anything at all. It gnawed at me like an animal, sucking all the power out of me. I was so incredibly tired. All I wanted was to get Ash home. I missed him so much it made my skin burn.

***

Something was ringing and I sat up, dazed. Apparently, I had fallen asleep, or just collapsed, on the couch and now the front doorbell rang. Quickly I went over in my head who it could be and concluded that it could either be my sister or some idiot who wanted to sell things. Or save my soul if I was really fucking unlucky. My back cracked as I stood up and I grimaced at the pain. If Ash had been here, he'd have offered to give me a massage. I smiled at the thought. The massage he had given me in the past had rarely stopped at just massage. Never, if I was to be completely honest.

It was dark outside when I looked in the peephole, so apparently the person outside hadn't bothered to turn the lights on in the rise and that usually just meant they didn't want to be seen. So, salesmen. But I opened anyway. Outside was Simon. I didn't understand a thing.

"Did you forget something here?" was the only thing I was able to get out when I let him in.

He smiled and shook his head.

"I heard what happened," he said. "Can I come in for a while?"

I nodded dizzily and went ahead into the living room, where I sat down on the couch again. Simon sat down in the recliner, and I noticed him looking at me intently. It felt strange to be sitting here with him without Ash next to me as a sort of security blanket. I had no idea why, Simon wasn't dangerous in any way, I knew that, but in the fragile state I was in now, I suddenly felt strangely exposed.

"How did you find out?" I asked, to avoid being questioned myself about how I felt.

Simon threw his leg up on one armrest and laughed.

"I promised Ash I wouldn't say anything, but I don't really care," he said calmly.

"What the hell do you mean?" I said, surprised. "How could you have talked to him?"

"He burned his daily phone call on me," Simon sighed, rolling his eyes. "And the way he talked, I felt it was probably best that you found out what he was rambling about. He wanted me to come over and keep you company. But I guess you know what he really meant by that. So, I thought I'd go along with half of his request anyway. The rest I just wanted you to know that he said."

He raised his eyebrows meaningfully. I just stared at him. What the hell was Ash doing exactly? Somewhere I had thought that he had dropped the idea of convincing me to find someone else, but apparently not. Apparently, he had figured that if I didn't do it on my own, then he could take the liberty of choosing someone for me. And he had chosen Simon. Sure, I could somehow understand the logic, but still. What the hell was up with him?

Simon seemed to see how completely stunned I had become and smiled apologetically.

"I just wanted you to know. He seems trusts me, or so he said. But I'm not that stupid to go and jump you just because he tells me to. He's not thinking straight, is he?"

"No, you can say that again," I muttered. "And once he's made up his mind about something, no matter how fucking stupid it is, he sticks to it. But even if he thinks I should break up with him, I'm not going to."

"That's good," he smiled. "You guys are way too perfect together to break up."

Completely without warning, I felt tears start to burn behind my eyelids. There was something about Simon's calm demeanor, his relaxed yet engaged manner that made me relax and let go of any attempts to appear strong and unaffected. But it nevertheless made me enormously embarrassed.

"Shit, I'm sorry," I groaned, wiping my face frantically with my palms. "I just-"

"Hey, no wonder you're a wreck," he interrupted. "I would have been too. And I actually want to apologize."

"For what?"

"For being happy when Ash asked me not to go to the police and tell them. I mean, I don't want to get in the middle of their family problems, but mostly it was because I just don't want to be taken into custody. That's how fucking selfish I am, I'm afraid."

He leaned forward and looked me steadily in the eye, the green gaze serious. It was so different from how I'd seen it before, I realized. There was no way I could get mad at him for choosing to stay in the shadows, I could understand him. It was just pure coincidence that he had ended up there and he had done it with good intentions too, he wanted to help Ash beat up Keith.

"It's all right," I said, smiling reassuringly at him.

"So, I thought I'd volunteer to be your grieving wall, if you like, as compensation," he grinned. "Just dump it all on me. I can take it."

And so I did. I simply couldn't resist, I felt so utterly alone in what I was feeling, no one else knew exactly what it was that Ash and I had, so while I might be able to complain to my dad, he couldn't know everything about us. Simon knew more than anyone else. After all, he had seen it first-hand. Up close and personal. And that meant I didn't put anything past him when I spewed out all the chaotic emotions I had inside me.

Simon was a good listener. He broke in when I started to go round in circles in my reasoning and sat quietly in all the right places and came up with counter-questions that made me think. But eventually I felt that my talking was starting to do more harm than good. The pressure on my chest was increasing and if I didn't stop now, I would end up hugging my knees. Simon seemed to notice it.

"Wanna talk about something else?" he smiled and winked. "I can... distract you if you want?"

Suddenly he flipped up his butterfly knife with one hand and looked at me questioningly. I was completely stunned. Wasn't he the one who said he had no intention of jumping me? After all, he had agreed with me when I said that Ash had a twisted view of what a good boyfriend should and shouldn't do. And now here he was, offering to do... what? I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You said you were only going to meet Ash halfway," I said sharply. "That doesn't look like halfway."

He laughed out loud and looked at me amused.

"You are aware that sessions don't always have to end in sex, right?" he said calmly. "If not, then now you know. Many use it as a way to relax, clear their heads, get a moment of complete disconnection from the outside world, so to speak. Most people who hire me as a play partner at Oubliette have that as a goal. Did you think I had sex with everyone I have a session with?"

I blushed violently. That was exactly what I had thought. My own ignorance of the BDSM world became painfully clear once again and I stared down at my hands, there was just no meeting his gaze now, I felt far too stupid.

"Oh, I didn't know that," I muttered. "Thanks for the... offer, but it's ok."

Something suddenly became uncomfortably clear to me. Although I would probably feel pretty damn great if I let him distract me just by using his knife, I realized that wasn't the problem. The problem was that I didn't know if I could stop myself from getting turned on. As much as I wanted to believe that I could only get horny when Ash touched me, that wasn't true, and I knew it. I had felt that in bed a few days ago. And Ash was probably perfectly aware of it too and had asked Simon for exactly that reason.

Oh, fuck him!

The bastard had obviously thought of absolutely everything. The question was, did Simon get it?

Simon slowly folded the knife again with a twirling gesture and I exhaled discreetly.

"Ok," he said. "But I'm a professional, you know that since we were at Oubliette, right? I only do extras if you get me drunk, apparently."

He gave me a crooked grin. I knew he was trying to joke, but still I got so nervous that my heart started to beat faster. I forced myself to grin back.

"We don't have any booze at home anyway," I said, trying to counter his joke, but realizing as soon as I said it how completely wrong it could be interpreted.

Simon raised one eyebrow and looked at me in surprise. Then he stood up and stretched.

"Jamie, I don't think Ash is the only one who's not quite balanced at the moment," he smiled. "But my offer still stands, I think you'd benefit from it."

Then he headed for the front door. I followed quietly, filled with shame at what I had quite unintentionally just admitted to him in veiled terms. What the hell did he think of me now anyway? He turned in the doorway and looked at me.

"Take this the right way now," he said, stroking me across one cheek. "I like you. And I like Ash. So, if we're going to do something, we're going to do it together, okay? Let me know if you want to talk or if you change your mind about a session."

I just nodded mutely and closed the door behind him. Then I stood still in the hall for a long time. Holy shit, he was right that it wasn't just Ash who wasn't balanced. I was apparently fucking off my rocker too.