: At the beginning of a chapter? What? Yes. The following chapters will contain some situations that might not be accurate if you compare them to reality. I am well aware of that. But this is a work of fiction. Just want to clarify that, so no one gets confused. ^o^

***

Simon went home an hour later, after borrowing my shower. He had just laughed when I asked if he was ok with what had happened. Apparently, he had been quite serious when he talked about how he was usually very principled when it came to sessions, especially if there was more than one person involved as there could be uncomfortable situations and jealousy. But he hadn't felt any hesitation when it came to us, at least not after we had boozed him up, as he said.

"You're hereby excluded from that rule. So, if you feel like doing it again, you have my number."

"Told you we're a good team," Ash grinned as we stood in the hallway to say goodbye.

Simon pointed at his own head and then at Ash and grinned back and then he left. We went back to the bedroom and made up the bed and at last we were hugging each other under the covers. Ash looked at me in wonder, as if to make sure I was really lying next to him.

"What is it?" I said in a low voice.

"I just get so fascinated sometimes," he mumbled. "That it's possible to feel like this. Shit, I sound so fucking ridiculous, but I just don't get it. When I first saw you, this wasn't what I thought would happen. This wasn't in my world even. Not what happened tonight either, by the way."

I looked at him in surprise. Wasn't he the slut in the room?

"Don't tell me you haven't had a threesome before?" I said in amazement.

He laughed and pulled me closer to him.

"Now we said we wouldn't talk details, but yes of course I've had it, but not like this... I've always been in Simon's shoes, if you know what I mean. Never thought I'd be able to if I was in a relationship. Thought I'd be way too jealous."

"Then why did you suggest it?" I said, suddenly worried that he was having second thoughts.

"Because I trust you," he smiled. "And because I had a good feeling about Simon. And because I wanted to see you experience it. I have to say that... I'd love to do it again. If you want to?"

I realized at once that I hardly knew if I would dare do it again, sober. It would be like doing it for the first time all over again. But one thing was certain. I had enjoyed it. Almost more than I was willing to admit.

"I might want to, yeah," I said with pretended vagueness, and in a second I had Ash all over me.

"My naughty little kitten," he growled in my ear and pulled the covers over our heads.

"Hey, we need to sleep," I half protested.

"We can do that another day."

***

I sat at work with a goofy smile on my face during the following days and work went almost on autopilot. That feeling that the job was important was no longer there, the job was just something that had to be done in order to do other things. Even Chris had pointed out my changed attitude, that I was actually more engaged in what he was talking about when we had lunch, that I wasn't just sitting around dreaming myself away. That I was actually contributing to the conversation. Granted, he eventually had to tell me to maybe talk about something other than Ash, but still.

It was as if Ash and I had never lived apart. Having him living with me felt so natural and I marveled at how easily my single-minded brain adapted to having someone else around all the time. I had thought that at some point I would feel exhausted, but that never happened.

When Friday came, I realized that this was going to be our first weekend together in the apartment and suddenly I wanted to do something. For once, I wanted to do something mundane and romantic, like cook dinner and have it ready for him when he got home. So, I left work early and quickly texted Ash not to wait for me but to go straight home instead.

I hadn't cooked for anyone ever, so I stood in the kitchen with Youtube and tried as best I could to keep up with what they were doing on the screen, while the excitement rose in me. Had Ash ever had food served to him like this? If he'd never been together with anyone, there wasn't much chance of that. Would I be the first to cook him dinner, as a boyfriend? That feeling made me feel euphoric. I was the first. I set the table as romantically as I could with lighted candles and white linen napkins that my mother had insisted that I needed to have at home. Then I sat tensely at the table and waited for his footsteps outside the door.

By the time an hour had passed after he was supposed to be home, I was in bits and pieces with worry. I had texted but gotten no answer and when I called his phone was turned off. Had he said anything about being late? Had I forgotten some appointment he was supposed to have? But there was nothing I could think of and flashbacks to the last time he was unreachable came up in me and I felt cold inside. Had he been visited by his father again? But if so, where would that have been? At work?

The food had gone cold, and I was restlessly pacing the apartment trying to figure out what to do. I could go back to work, but then I would run the risk of us passing each other. Suddenly my phone rang, and I quickly fumbled it up to my ear.

"Ash?"

A computer voice on the other end started talking and I didn't know what it was saying until his name played, and I was asked if I wanted to pay for the call from custody. I stammered a shaky yes and at the same time my knees gave out from under me.

"Jamie?" I heard Ash say uncertainly into the receiver. "Are you there?"

"Ash, w-what the hell happened?" I forced out, struggling to get air into my lungs.

The world was spinning around me, and I pressed my head down between my knees to keep from fainting. It was so wonderful to hear his voice, but at the same time utterly terrifying.

"I can't talk long, I just wanted to say I'm okay. Keith filed a report, they picked me up at work. But I'm ok, so don't worry."

I tried to form words, but it was as if my tongue had become paralyzed.

"B-but... w-what..."

"Jamie, don't worry," Ash said again, his voice sounding strangely neutral. "They haven't questioned me yet, so I don't know what the bastard said other than that he turned me in. But I'll call you tomorrow as soon as I'm allowed to."

"You have to tell me everything, you have to tell them what Keith-,"

"Shut up, Jamie!" His interruption was like a whiplash, and I flinched. "Don't talk about that on the phone, they're bugging the shit out of this place, and you know what my brother Brady is. I need to go now. But if you could call Nathan for me, I'd be grateful. Promise me you won't break down now, please?"

How the hell could I promise that? The situation was absolutely terrifying and there was nothing I could do about it. If there was ever a time to have a breakdown, it was now.

"I promise," I mumbled anyway.

"I'm... thinking about you. All the time."

"I love-," I began, but heard the click on the other end.

I sat there with the silent phone pressed to my ear, staring blankly ahead. I couldn't get a handle on what had happened, my brain somehow refusing to take in what Ash had said. This wasn't supposed to be possible, hadn't Ash said so himself? After all, he had said he would never be caught, because that guy never pressed charges. Then it suddenly hit me with icy clarity. It wasn't Keith that Ash had been talking about then. It had been that other guy who we first thought had gone after Nathan and who apparently got punched in the face a lot. Keith was a completely different matter.

From what I had seen of Keith, he could do just about anything. He seemed ready to go to any lengths, first to get Ash's attention and now to get revenge. Because revenge must be it, right? What could he have said to the police anyway? Had Ash really done so much that he was risking serious charges? Punching someone in the face didn't land you in jail. Or did it? But it would have been more than that, Simon and Ash had threatened Keith as well. Had Simon been caught too? Would they come for me? I had bloody well stood by and let them beat Keith up and not done a single thing about it.

Stop thinking in circles. Focus, damnit.

I looked at my phone again and took a deep breath and called Nathan. After I told him what happened, Nathan was silent for a long while and I drummed my fingers on my knee impatiently. I didn't want to rush him, but I suddenly had an idea. I wanted to call my dad.

"Did he say anything about what Keith said?" Nathan finally asked, and I could hear the worry in his voice.

"No, he didn't know anything," I replied. "Guess he'll find out more when he's questioned."

There was silence again and I was losing my patience.

"I'm gonna call my dad," I said when I couldn't wait for Nathan. "He's a lawyer."

"Can he help Ash?" Nathan said hopefully.

I had no idea. But it was the only thing I could think of that might make a difference. Ash needed someone to speak for him, didn't he?

"I don't know," I said. "But I'll be in touch, okay?"

When I hung up the phone, I felt my hands shaking. Damn it, I couldn't have a panic attack now, I didn't have time for that. I had promised Ash I would keep it together; he didn't need some pathetic fucking boyfriend in a fetal position on the floor. I gave myself a mental slap and tried to collect my thoughts. Would Ash be pissed if I asked my dad to help him? After all, he was used to always doing things on his own, but surely there should be limits to that too? And I wanted to do something. Not just sit around and worry.

My dad made short work of me as soon as he understood the situation and simply asked me to wait, while he made some calls. I suddenly felt very conflicted inside. Part of me was overjoyed to be able to do something, but the other part just felt embarrassed. It felt like I had run and told my parents after a fight at school. Had I done that? I had no idea.

Instead of just sitting and waiting for my dad's call, I started picking up the uneaten food and putting the plates and cutlery back in the drawers. No matter how hard I tried to push the feelings away completely, I couldn't. It was like a giant hand was squeezing my chest. This wasn't how we were supposed to celebrate our first weekend together. I took a few bites of the seafood pasta that I had been so proud of. It just grew in my mouth, and I disgustedly spat it all out into the sink. If Ash had been here, it would have tasted heavenly, but he wasn't. He was in some fucking cell somewhere because he had defended his brother. Unable to stop myself, I smashed a plate to the floor, so the sound of breaking porcelain cut into my ears. Then the phone started ringing again.

"I've arranged for you to visit Ash tomorrow," my dad said as soon as I answered. "And he's accepted me as his lawyer, I'm doing it pro bono."

The tension that had been sitting in my shoulders melted away and I sighed with relief.

"Thanks, Dad," I breathed. "You have no idea how-,"

"Don't thank me yet, Jamie," he interrupted, his voice serious. "It' not that simple. Ash has decided not to talk. He confirmed that what you told me was true, but he won't say anything to the police about it and that makes his case... much more complicated. So, if you can convince him tomorrow that it's in his interest to explain the circumstances, I'd be grateful. Can you?"

Circumstances. The word sounded so cold and bureaucratic, void of any emotion. Simple. But things weren't simple.

"I'll try," I muttered, and the worry came flooding back.

If Ash would even listen to me. In this case, I didn't know. After all, both he and Nathan were terrified that their brother would find out, and if Ash were to explain the "circumstances," as my dad put it, it would be over. Then Nathan would be exposed.

***

It was a miracle that I even managed to get dressed the next morning. The night had been nothing but anxious insomnia and the few times I had been able to fall asleep, I had woken up by nightmares. Eventually I had simply given up on the idea of sleep and instead sat down to play games, mindless killing of the enemy took me through the remaining hours and in the morning, I sat like a corpse at the breakfast table.

I had been given visitation time in the morning and had tried to gather as much strength as I could not to show Ash how awfully worried I really was, but he would probably see through my mask anyway. As I walked through the doors of the large grey concrete building, unease crawled through me like insects in my stomach. I felt sick. But I had to pull myself together, I was going to see Ash and I was going to try to convince him to talk. No matter how.

Once through security, I had been shown into a plain room, where small tables and chairs were set out in even rows. At each table sat two people and it was clear who were visitors and who were inmates. The orange overalls spoke for themselves. A guard pointed wearily to an empty table and asked me to wait. My temples throbbed as I sat down on one side of the table and cautiously looked out over the room. I didn't want to look at the people here. The only one I cared about now was Ash.

He came in after a minute or so and my heart did a double take when I saw him approach our table. Unable to stop myself, I rushed up, but then one of the guards shouted at me to sit back down. No physical contact with the prisoner was allowed. I gazed at Ash as we sat down simultaneously. His expression was closed, as if he didn't want to appear weak.

"How are you feeling?" I said, struggling not to reach across the table and grab his hand.

He looked at me briefly, his sapphire eyes grave, and he exhaled slowly through his mouth.

"Jamie, listen to me now," he said quietly, and there was such heaviness in his words that I was suddenly scared to the core. "I know this isn't going to end well for me. And I'm okay with that. It's worth it. But I don't want you to suffer for something you had nothing to do with. So, you're free to do whatever you want now. You understand? You don't have to think of me as your boyfriend anymore, you don't have to answer to me about what you do or who you see. I don't want to hold you back, just because of my actions. So I'm letting you go."