*** : PTSD description after rape ***

I turned around and walked back to the apartment while my brain was in overdrive. Did Nathan even want me there? We didn't know each other. But something in me didn't want him to be alone right now. And apparently, that something didn't exist in Ash.

When I entered the apartment, I whispered Nathan's name hesitantly and he answered from inside the bedroom. Carefully I peeked inside and saw him sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked at me in surprise.

"I just thought... that you might want someone nearby," I said. "Ash will... come back later."

He just nodded and glided his palm over his bruised eye and hissed. Damn, he shouldn't even be here, he should be in a hospital. But I guessed that he didn't want that either. Desperately I tried to come up with an argument strong enough to get him there anyway, at least so they could take a look at his eye, but I drew a blank. Then it hit me. Zoey's boyfriend Daniel had just gotten his doctor's license. Would Nathan at least accept that?

"Would you mind if I called my sister and ask her and her boyfriend over here? He's a doctor. Just so he can check on your eye?"

I crossed my fingers waiting for his answer. He looked at his wrists and closed his eyes.

"Sure," he said quietly.

I exhaled in relief and went out into the living room to call Zoey. When I had, half whispering, explained to her what had happened I heard her call Daniel at once and the sound of drawers opening and closing came through the speaker. They were out of their apartment in less than a minute and the last thing Zoey asked before hanging up was if Nathan knew that they were aware of what had happened to him. I hesitated.

"I don't think he wants me to tell you, if I'll be honest with you," I said quietly. "But I thought that you needed to know. Can you pretend it's just a beating?"

"Sure thing," I heard Daniel say in the background and we hung up.

"They'll be here in fifteen minutes or so," I called out to Nathan and went to sit on the couch to wait.

"Jamie?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you... would you sit in here and wait instead?"

Hell, what was Ash doing? He was the one who should be here, not me. I went into the bedroom and saw that Nathan had laid down on his back on the bed with one of the pillows on his stomach. After a moment of hesitation, I sat down at the foot of the bed. He could talk if he wanted to, but I wouldn't press him to do anything right now.

"I knew that you were a good guy ever since we met at the bar," Nathan said after a while.

Surprised, I looked at him and he gave me a faint smile. I chuckled, embarrassed.

"I try my best," I replied.

Nathan looked up at the ceiling again and I sat there quietly. I felt so sorry for him, but I had no idea what to do except keeping him company. To be going to the university, have an apartment of one's own, that should be a great thing. Especially for him, as he finally was out of his family's suffocating grasp. He was supposed to go to parties, fall in love, be hung-over in class and just live life to the fullest. Not lie here in bed, all beaten up. And without his brother. I cursed silently and decided to really talk some sense into Ash, when he would grace us with his presence again.

Zoey and Daniel were incredibly delicate as they visited. Daniel had brought all kinds of medical stuff with him and patched Nathan up in no-time without asking any questions as to how he could have managed to get beat up like that. I could see that Nathan calmed down in their presence as he realized that neither Zoey nor Daniel would force him to do anything he didn't want to. Before they left, Zoey had cleaned the kitchen and Daniel had given Nathan a sleeping pill so that he could rest, and I followed them out into the hallway.

"Thanks so much, Daniel," I said as they stood in the doorway. "I promise to make it up to you some day."

Smiling, Daniel just shook his head.

"Hey, no worries," he said. "This is what I do. But he should really report this, you know."

Zoey nodded in agreement, and I sighed.

"I know. But I can't pressure him into doing it. I hardly know him."

It took two hours after Zoey and Daniel had left for Ash to return to the apartment. By that time, I had grown both bored and restless, sitting on the couch playing with my phone. When I heard the door, I jumped up and hushed at Ash, to prevent him from waking Nathan up by accident. He had a grim look on his face as he entered the living room.

"I know the bastard who did this," he spat in disgust and he seemed too riled up to sit down. "I'm cutting his balls off tomorrow."

I fought to not say anything impulsive. Of course, I could understand his anger, but at the same time he hadn't even asked how his brother was doing. There was a strange form of lopsidedness to his actions that I couldn't get a handle of at all and if I said the wrong thing now, I suspected that he would just blow up in my face.

"What do you mean?" I said, hesitating.

Ash gave me an uncomprehending look.

"I mean what I say. He wasn't there tonight, but the bartender thought that he would be tomorrow and then I'll be there to cut his balls off."

Suddenly I realized that he was completely serious, and my insides went cold. Sure, I had known that Ash wasn't the one to back out from a fight, but to risk getting caught like this? I had never pictured him to be that reckless.

"Are you really damn sure you have the right guy?" I asked.

"Positive."

Something in the way he said that word made me anxious. I couldn't really put my finger on what, but his conviction made me frightened. To somehow pull the conversation away from the subject of violence I told him that Zoey and Daniel had visited. That seemed to wake him up and he looked at me in surprise.

"Why?"

The brittle mask of calm I had tried to uphold just shattered and I got furious.

"Why the hell do you think?" I hissed. "Your brother was beaten to a pulp and needed medical attention. Daniel is a doctor, as you well know, and he helped. While you just fucked off, hell bent on some stupid revenge, apparently thinking that it was more important than being there for your brother when he needed you."

Ash looked at me for a moment, his jaws clenched, and it looked like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin. Without saying a word, he went out on the balcony and shut the door behind him. Through the glass I could see the end of a cigarette lighten up. Should I go after him? Put him on the spot and demand an explanation to his actions? A part of me really wanted to, but I knew that he wouldn't tell me anything if he didn't want to. I knew that from before. But that didn't make it ok for him to so completely ignore his brother.

I was on the couch again playing with my phone when Ash finally returned from the balcony. I had counted that he had smoked two cigarettes while he was out there and when he shut the door again, he didn't meet my gaze.

"I'm gonna sleep on the couch tonight," he mumbled. "You can... go home if you want. Or stay. Either way."

Did he really think that I could just go home after a night like this? I glanced at the couch where I sat. It would hardly fit two people sleeping. A memory of the first time I had been at Ash's place flashed by. When I had straddled him on this couch, when he had pushed me down on my back on it and... It had been enough for two people then. The problem now was that I was still so damn upset with him. And this wasn't a drunken fight. This was serious.

"I'll take the recliner," I said curtly and got off the couch and sank down into the chair instead.

His eyes went between me and the couch, then he seemed to make up his mind and sprawled out on his back on the couch with his arm draped over his face. Shit, I really didn't want to fight, I hated every second of it. I felt physically ill, but this time I really wanted him to understand that I thought that he acted in the wrong way.

An hour later, anxiety had taken over my body completely. The recliner was uncomfortable, and I could hear Ash breathing from the couch, I couldn't shut it out. It sounded like he was sleeping. My whole being screamed for him, to be near him, hug him, but if he didn't make a move, I didn't want to be the one to come crawling. Desperately I tried to get away from my own head.

"Are you asleep?" I heard Ash murmur hoarsely from the couch.

"No..."

There was no point in lying. And apparently, he wasn't asleep either.

"I'm sorry. I just... I mean... I'm sorry."

"It's not me you should say that to, Ash," I whispered.

"I know."

There was so much despair in his voice that I had to clench my fists not to give in and just rush over to him. There was a moment of silence, and I could hear how shallow his breaths had become. Finally, he let out a heartrending moan.

"Jamie, please. Can't you just come over here?"

He had hardly finished the sentence before I was up from the recliner.

Screw being stalwart and stubborn.

I needed him. He needed me. He grabbed my arm when I approached the couch and pulled me down on top of him, and then he turned us both until we finally were face to face, tightly snuggled together. My insides went soft when I had him close again, feeling his arm around my back and his hand gently squeezing the base of my neck.

"I panicked," he said after a while. "What happened to Nathan made certain stuff come back to me that I... don't wanna think about. It's not an excuse, but that's what happened."

"Have you experienced... a similar thing?" I asked cautiously, not sure if he even wanted to elaborate.

He buried his face in the pit of my throat and sighed.

"Yeah, but as I said, that's not something I wanna remember. But I was about his age. And I reacted just like him. I think it's the same guy."

"What?" I said exasperated.

"Do you get why I wanna cut his balls off now? Back then I was too young, too insecure. I'm not anymore. I know it's him. He has a reputation for liking younger guys."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How the hell could a guy like that still be walking around, enjoying his freedom? Someone must have pressed charges, right?

"Why aren't we calling the cops then?" I said frustrated.

"Because it won't help. If you think girls get treated badly when they report a rape, you have no fucking idea what happens if a guy does it. Especially if he's gay."

"Are you kidding me?"

Ash scoffed.

"I speak from personal experience, so no, I'm not kidding. Then there's another reason why Nathan doesn't want the cops involved. Our brother Brady is a police officer. If Nathan reported what happened, Brady would find out and the shit would hit the fan big time."

His words sank like bricks inside me. Nathan had no other way to get justice, unless he took matters into his own hands. Or rather, if Ash took care of it for him. Apparently, I had had a stupidly naïve faith in the police, and their brother being one only made things even worse. I felt inadequate. I wasn't a violent person; I had never been in a fight and even if I had sometimes dreamt of punching someone in the face, I would never dare doing it in real life. Ash was another matter. But then I realized something.

"If this guy reports you then, wouldn't it get out anyway?"

Ash snickered.

"Well, it's not like he can say why I beat him up, now can he? And my family already know about me. And he doesn't usually press charges, it's not the first time he gets a beating, if you know what I mean."

Suddenly a loud cry came from the bedroom and both Ash and I froze. It sounded like Nathan was thrashing in the bed and more panicked whimpers came sounding out to us. He was having nightmares. Ash sat up at once.

"I'm gonna go to him," he mumbled, and I could hear how shook up he had become. "You just go to sleep, ok?"

I nodded and he planted a soft kiss on my forehead and snuck into the bedroom. I tried to get comfortable on the couch while I heard the sounds from the bedroom getting quieter and soon there was only a soft murmur. Ash was in the right place now. And tomorrow he was about to beat the shit out of a rapist. As a law-abiding citizen, I shouldn't condone that, but after what I had heard Ash explain, what the reality was like, I had no problems whatsoever with it. The worry that Ash would get harmed himself went away in a heartbeat. Ash could take care of himself. I was thoroughly sure of that.