*** : mentions of rape ***

When I had dressed in my regular clothes again and Ash had packed the toys in his bag the door to the club opened again and the guy with the mask walked into the locker room. It was strange being in normal clothing when he was still dressed as when I had met him in the private session room. The knowledge of what he had seen, what he had done to me made it even more weird.

"Thanks for a good session," Ash said and smiled at him. "You did just as good as you told me you would."

"I told you I'm in it for the sessions, nothing else," the guy grinned and pulled his mask off. "What's yours, is yours."

I froze as I saw his face. I knew that smile from the night at Florian's house. Simon. Had Ash known it was him? He must have. Embarrassed, I nodded at Simon, and we went towards the exit.

"Just call if you want me on any further sessions," Simon said cheerfully, and Ash nodded back at him as we exited the room.

Despite the run-in with Simon, I couldn't shake the feeling of pure and crazy joy. It tingled like tiny bells inside every cell as soon as I laid eyes on Ash. He didn't seem to want to let go of me at all and the only time we were physically separated was when I had to go to the toilet. We had played video games curled up together, brushed our teeth holding hands and now we were under the covers with our legs tangled together.

"I feel like a damn teenage girl," Ash giggled. "Is it supposed to be like this? I mean, I feel fucking embarrassed, but I can't help it."

"I think it's part of it, I know how my sister was like every time she met someone," I said. "You knew it was him, right?"

I suddenly felt like bringing up the subject. I just had to know. Ash didn't answer right away. He drew circles on my back with his finger and looked intently at me for a while. I waited him out.

"I found out when I went out and talked to him," he said at last.

"I thought you didn't like him?" I said hesitantly. "Why... didn't you tell me who it was?"

"It was just when I thought he flirted with you that I didn't like him. Otherwise, I don't really have an opinion about him. But he's good with knives, that much I know. And I wanted to give you... an experience out of the ordinary. But I thought that if you knew who it was, you'd be more reluctant to try. Are you mad at me for not telling you?"

He looked so worried that I pulled him in closer to me to show that I wasn't angry with him. He had just wanted me to enjoy it, without thinking too much about my surroundings, I knew that. The fact that it had been Simon still felt a bit awkward, but I hadn't regretted it one bit. Nothing Ash had done to me had ever been unpleasant.

"They only thing that would make me mad right now is if we were to be late for work tomorrow," I smiled. "Are you happy with your day?"

He rolled over and rested his arms on either side of my head and kissed me slowly. His wonderful warmth radiated into me, and I caressed the small of his back.

"Best day so far," he murmured and suddenly he started to grind himself against me, grinning fiendishly. "So good that I might just risk getting you mad anyway."

***

Nothing could stop me from making remarks all the way to work the next day, every time Ash yawned. It was completely his own doing, not being able to keep his hands above the covers last night and I had way too much fun teasing him about it. Not that I was more alert, but he had started it. I had to pay for my glee though, in a way that I didn't expect. I simply couldn't work sitting down. At all. No matter how comfortable my office chair usually was, now it felt more like an instrument of torture. Silently I thanked the HR department for their decision that everybody should have desks that were adjustable, so I started my workday standing up.

At lunch, Ash came up to me and Chris with his eyebrows furrowed. He didn't look happy at all but when I asked him, he just shrugged.

"Had a missed call from Nathan just now," he explained. "So, I called him back and apparently someone beat the shit out of him yesterday."

Both me and Chris looked up at him in surprise. Chris beat me to it.

"Who's Nathan?"

"My baby brother," Ash muttered.

"What the hell happened?" I said, worried. "Is he ok?"

Ash started to gather our dishes.

"He said he was ok, but I don't know," he said slowly. "If he was ok, he wouldn't have called me. We're not that fucking close. It just feels wrong, for some reason."

"It's your brother, I think you should check if he's really ok," Chris said.

"We can swing by after work?" I suggested.

"Just feels like I'm intruding," Ash said. "You know how he acted last time, Jamie."

"Screw that," I said and got up. "See you in the lobby after work, we'll pay him a visit."

Ash didn't bother to use the intercom to give Nathan a heads up that we were coming. He just went straight to the elevators and stood quiet all the way up. When I asked how he was doing he just said that he had a bad feeling and went back to staring into the mirror. I could sense that he didn't want to talk, so I let him be and just followed him to the door. When it opened, my heart sank. Nathan stood there, one eye swollen shut and blueish, bruises and scratches on his neck and a cracked lip. With his one unharmed eye he peered at Ash.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Nathan," Ash exclaimed and grabbed Nathan hard by his shoulders and pushed him inside the apartment, not waiting for an invite. "What the hell happened?"

Nathan winced in pain at Ash's touch and tried to wriggle his way out of the hold, but Ash held him firm and pressed him down on the couch and sank down next to him. I followed them in silence and sat down in the recliner. I had no idea what to say. Nathan didn't meet Ash's eyes.

"It's fine, I'll manage," he said in a flat voice. "It was just a misunderstanding."

"Misunderstanding?" Ash hissed. "Like hell it was, you've been beaten to a pulp, for Christ's sake. Did you get jumped outside one of the clubs? Was it because they saw you walk into a gay club?"

Nathan just sat there with a blank expression and his gaze fixed on the table in front of us. Slowly he pulled one of the couch pillows to him and placed it in his lap.

"I said I'm fine. You didn't have to come check on me."

Something felt wrong. He seemed all too passive to just have been beaten by a bunch of homophobic fuckheads. I looked at his hands that caressed the fabric of the pillow. Wide bruises went around his wrists, like someone had been holding them hard. Then I stared at his neck. It had the same kind of bruising and now I could see the faint outline of fingers. A chilling feeling went up my spine as I understood.

Oh, Jesus. Has he been raped?

Desperately I turned to Ash, and he seemed to have made the same observation. The pain in his eyes was indescribable when he carefully placed a hand on Nathans's knee.

"Nathan," he said in a low, almost trembling voice. "Someone at the club did this, didn't they?"

Nathan's whole body tensed up and his grip on the pillow tightened.

"It was a misunderstanding, that's all. It was really my fault because I-,"

"No," Ash interrupted furiously. "Don't you dare say that. It was not your fault. Who was it, tell me who it was? What club?"

Nathan looked up at Ash and his gaze had become distressed.

"No, please," he begged. "Just forget it, I just have myself to blame for this. And people will just think I'm a fucking sissy for blabbering about it to my brother."

It pained me so much to watch him. Did he really believe that this was his own fault? How could he even make sense of that? But at the same time, I could see how someone like him would be an easy prey for the wrong kind of person. He was so young and new to it all, freshly moved out from his overbearing parents that had held him back, of course he wanted to live it up.

What made me want to punch myself in the face was that I hadn't realized that this could even happen in the gay community. Somehow, in my stupid head, I was under the impression that rape only happened to girls. It could happen to anyone.

Ash wrapped his arms around his brother and held him tight, his tear-filled eyes beaming with fury. Nathan didn't struggle anymore, he seemed to slowly relax in Ash's arms. What should we do? The police. That was the only thing I could think of. He had to report this.

"We have to call the cops," I said finally.

"No!" Nathan protested in a wild panic.

I looked to Ash for support in my opinion, but he just shook his head. I was dumbfounded. Was Ash ok with letting this go unpunished? That wasn't like him at all.

"Please, just tell me the name of the club," he mumbled to Nathan. "You don't need to talk about it anymore, but just give me the name."

"Pink Robin," I heard Nathan whisper.

Ash stood up at once and helped Nathan to his feet. Carefully he led him into the bedroom, and I stayed behind in the living room to give them some privacy.

"Lay down and rest, ok?" I heard Ash say, his voice gentle. "I'm gonna check on you later, but I need to go out for a while."

Then he came out in the hallway and waved for me to come. Anxiously I followed him as he headed for the elevators. On the way down he suddenly smashed his fist into the wood panel of the elevator, a stream of curses leaving his lips. In the next second he grabbed me, and his embrace was fierce and desperate. I held him close without saying anything.

"Fuck! Damn it all to hell," he snarled. "I'm gonna find the bastard who did this. Can you just go home and wait for me? I don't want you to get involved. But I need to get to the club to see if I can find out who it was, or I'm gonna fucking explode."

"Is that such a great idea?" I mumbled, unsure of his intentions.

Sure, he knew everybody in the clubs around town, but to go and pick a fight instead of taking the right path and contact the police seemed pretty senseless. Couldn't he just stay with his brother instead?

"It's not about it being a good idea or not, I just have to do it."

We were out on the street again and I could see the resolve in Ash's dark eyes. It didn't matter what I said to him now, he had made up his mind. But I still didn't think he should leave his brother all alone, just because he was on the revenge path.

"I think you should stay with Nathan, instead," I said.

"I'm not of any use there."

I was almost getting pissed now. Didn't he get what I was saying? Didn't he understand that Nathan needed someone there, even if the person didn't do anything in particular? I grabbed his jacket and made him stop in his tracks, and he gave me a frustrated stare.

"I'm not talking about being useful-," I started but he cut me off.

"You stay with him. Stay there until I get back. I took the key from him. See you later."

He handed me a set of keys and continued walking towards the bus stop. I just stood there, watching him go. He had never been this emotionally cold as he was now. He seemed solely focused on finding the guy that had hurt Nathan but didn't seem to care about Nathan's wellbeing at all. What the hell was wrong with him?