If I hadn't seen his face, I would have been sure that he was joking. Never had anyone said a thing like that to me. He was afraid that I would go away. I wanted to hug the life out of him to make him understand that I wouldn't do that, but I kept calm. I could see that he had been struggling to get the words out, so I let him be a little.

"I don't wanna be with you to develop, Ash," I said instead. "I wanna be with you because... hell, I don't even know why, but I do. I've never felt like this before, so maybe that's why I suck so much at explaining. Inexperienced in pretty much everything, you know."

I tried a hesitant grin and he chuckled.

"In this case you're actually not alone. I've never had any... serious relationships before, so I have no idea how to do this either."

"But you're 28?" I said in pure shock.

"I'm aware of that."

"But if you're so experienced..." I started but bit my tongue and cursed myself for even starting to ask such a stupid question.

"Just because I've never had any real relationships doesn't mean that I've lived in celibacy, Jamie."

Ash laid down on his back, looking up at the ceiling as if he was wondering if he should continue that sentence or not.

"Sorry, didn't mean to pry," I apologized.

"It's ok," he said calmly. "The reason I've never told you about what I was up to in the past is because I wanted to protect you from it, somehow. Didn't want you to... take offence. I'm not an innocent snowflake, if you know what I mean."

Of course, I knew that Ash wasn't a snowflake of any kind, but that he'd been afraid that I would think less of him surprised me. He was actually worried about what I would think of him. I got to my elbows and rested my arms on his chest. He looked down at me with an almost embarrassed smile.

"Well, I haven't given you any reason to talk about your past, the way I behaved tonight," I said.

"You wanna know what happened?" Ash said. "I mean, who Keith is?"

Did I? A part of me didn't even want to hear the name, but another part wanted to know what Ash had seen in the guy.

"Just... no details," I said and shot him a meaningful gaze.

"No worries. I met him at a BDSM party about a year ago. I thought it was fun because he seemed up to pretty much everything, but I quickly realized that he was just using me as a tool for punishing himself for being gay. He didn't want to accept that part of himself, basically. So I broke it off, but he kept harassing me, so I had to ghost him completely."

"And what happened tonight?"

"I wanted to try and explain my actions, so there would be no hard feelings, you know. But he started to touch me, acting like a fucking psycho, and it ended with me sucker punching him in the face. Then he got my message. At least I think he did."

He grinned proudly and held up his right hand, where I could see the beginning of bruising over his knuckles. I couldn't help feeling good about it. But at the same time, I was embarrassed over my own behavior.

"Shit, I'm sorry that I yelled at you before," I said quietly.

He reached down to me and kissed me softly, his hands combing through my hair and down my back.

"It could have been avoided had I just opened my damn mouth a little earlier and told you the whole story," he said. "Gotta remember that next time."

"Next time?"

"Next time someone I messed around with comes up with an attitude. This might not be the last time that happens. Me not being an innocent snowflake and all."

"So, you're a player?" I said and couldn't mask the sour tone.

Ash quickly grabbed my waist and hurled me onto my back in the bed.

"I was a player, past tense," he said emphatically. "Before you. But you... I don't know what you're doing to me, but ever since you visited my place for the first time I... didn't wanna be like that anymore. And that is something really fucking new to me. But I like it very much. I like you. Very much."

I placed my hands on his cheeks and pulled him down into a kiss. I could even hear the relief in his sigh as our lips met, he deepened the kiss and let the ball of his piercing graze my lips. But suddenly he tensed up and interrupted the kiss.

"Shit, oh hell..." he said in a panicky voice. "I don't wanna ruin the mood, but have you been tested?"

"What?" was the only thing coming out of my mouth.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, I thought it felt too goddamn amazing... I forgot to protect myself before, I was too... caught up. Shit, I'm so sorry! This has never happened to me, I always remember..."

He looked completely distraught as he stared at me.

"Last time I got tested was two years ago," I said and hesitated to say the rest. "That was the last time... I had sex too. Before you."

Ash collapsed on top of me and made a sound of utter relief. But then I tapped him on his shoulder. This went both ways.

"How about you?"

His smile was radiant.

"An upside to being a total fucking slut is that I tested myself regularly. Last time was a week before I met you. And ever since I started to check you out, well, stalking you as you said... I never had anyone else."

"Well, you better not," I mumbled and wrapped my legs around him.

***

We stayed up so late talking that Zoey had to knock on the door of the cabin the next day to inform us that we would miss the ride home if we didn't get ready within an hour. As we packed, Ash held on to the riding crop for a long time before he reluctantly put it back among the rest of the riding gear again. The look on his face was so longing that I couldn't keep myself from asking if I should sneak it into my suitcase.

"But won't anyone notice?" he asked as his eyes kept returning to the crop.

"Nobody cares about this stuff anymore, I promise," I smiled and picked up the crop again and placed it inside my bag.

He looked ridiculously happy and kept reminding me not to forget the cat ears and the tail too. Like I would ever forget to pack them? I couldn't even imagine the look on my mother's face if she found them when she cleaned the cabin later. Even if she had misunderstood the t-shirt with Daddy's Boy, I wasn't sure she could rationalize the presence of cat ears. Or even less, the tail.

We decided that Ash would go to his place and finish the last with his move and I went home to prepare for his arrival. He had promised me that he wouldn't take up much space, but I didn't know if we had the same view when it got to the term 'much space'. Moving required tons of boxes and even if he told me that he would place some of it in a warehouse, he needed space to put the rest of it at my place. Especially in the closet, as I was sure that he had a lot more clothes than I did.

It was an odd feeling walking around in my apartment, my fortress, knowing that I wouldn't be alone in there for much longer, at least for a while. It was thrilling and nervy all at once. I would be able to touch Ash whenever I wanted to, but at the same time he would also be there all the time. And that was something I was unsure how I would react to.

My routines where pretty much set in stone, so if Ash disturbed them I didn't know how I would feel. Would I get annoyed with him? Did he have habits that I wouldn't stand, that I didn't know about yet? But it was too late to back out now, and besides, I didn't want to either. Whatever the outcome, I wanted to try this.

Ash called later in the evening and told me that he was outside on the street and asked if I could come down and help him carry. When I got down there I saw five moving boxes on the ground and three big plastic bags. Didn't he have more than this? When I asked him, Ash got a grim look in his face.

"I couldn't take most of it," he said. "It was my mother's old stuff and baby brother was to have it, apparently. So, this is me. Minus this box."

He pointed at the box farthest away and I could see that it had my name written on top of it. When I started to walk towards it, he held me back.

"It's a special sort of box," he said and took my hand. "I kinda want you to throw it away."

"Why?" I said confused. "What do you mean?"

He led me up to the box and looked down at it. Then he put my hand to his mouth and kissed my palm.

"I wanted it to be some sort of symbol, you know. This is all my... toys that I've gathered. It feels wrong to keep them, not to mention using them with you. I think we should get our own. So, I want it to be you who throw away the box. Preferably without looking inside, for your own peace of mind, I mean."

He gave me a crooked smile. My heart melted. Neither he nor I had any kind of idea how to act in a relationship and we both just did our best. This was his way of saying that he was serious. He wanted to show me that he wasn't that person anymore, the one he had been before we met. That he wanted to start something new with me. I couldn't care less about the people walking down the street and pulled him into a heartfelt hug.

"I can assure you that I won't open it," I said.

Then I picked up the box and made a conscious decision to ignore the weight of it. With confidence in my steps, I walked up to the trashcans on the curb and put the box down beside them. The garbage men would freak out next time the trash was emptied, I was thoroughly sure of that. When I turned to Ash again, he grinned enthusiastically.

"I know just the store to visit next time we're downtown. You have no idea of all the things I wanna do with you, kitten."