The final show was about to end when we entered the house again. I'd heard the moans and whimpers of a woman all the way out in the garden and when we got inside, a man was untying her from the large wooden cross. Her body was riddled with red markings, and she had a blissful expression on her face. People were talking in smaller groups and the music had been amped up again, the mood in the room was relaxed. Ash asked me I was disappointed that I had missed out on the last show, but I had assured him that I wasn't. The pool house experience had definitely trumped it by leaps and bounds.

"Look at those rosy cheeks," Florian smiled at me when he joined us. "You look like a guy who's feeling like a million bucks."

"Uhm, yeah, I'm doing great, thanks," I said flustered.

Ash placed his arm around me and grinned proudly as he returned the key to Florian. Nicola joined us and we talked for a while until Florian was called away by another guest and took Nicola with him.

"Want me to grab us some drinks?" Ash asked.

"Thanks," I answered gratefully.

I had been so pre-occupied by all that had happened during the evening that I never even realized that I was practically parched. Ash made his way through the crowd, and I was left to my own devices. I stood up from the couch. The energy was still buzzing inside, making it hard for me to just sit there and wait. Besides, I had a hard time actually sitting down due to what Ash had subjected my poor ass to earlier and I couldn't help chuckling to myself. That was my own doing. He did warn me.

I scanned the crowd and started my old habit again, people-watching. Had you met them on the street you would never believe that they attended these kinds of parties, or that some of them liked to be walked on a leash. It was downright captivating, and I wondered if anyone at the office also was into this. The likelihood for that was pretty big.

As I stood there bouncing on my heels, I noticed that the blond guy from the knife show was walking in my direction. I averted my eyes quickly, not wanting him to see that I had seen him. But apparently, he was honing in on me and nobody else. My brain revved up, trying to find a plausible excuse for me ogling him. There was no other explanation than the fact that he had been in my field of vision. And that he had been handling a knife in a very expert way.

"Did you like the show?" he said and now I had to look at him.

He smiled and his green eyes were locked on me. I started to feel uneasy.

"Yeah, it was interesting," I said, as neutral as I could.

"Your face back then tells me you thought it was more than interesting," he said and leaned forward. "I saw your reaction. My name is Simon."

His hand hovered in front of me, and I had a desperate debate with myself whether it was impolite not to shake hands with him. Could I say I was a germophobic? Was he flirting with me? No, he couldn't be. Was he? But he had noticed me in the middle of his own show. I reluctantly shook his hand. Where was Ash?

"Jamie," I replied. "Well, it was quite an intense show, so..."

"You've got a scratch here that you didn't have before, I see. If you want, I can give you a private session later?"

He grazed the band aid I had covered the wound on my arm with and his eyes burrowed deeper. Someone suddenly grabbed Simon's wrists and pried it away from my arm and Ash towered over him. Ash's eyes were dead cold, and he glowered at Simon.

"And just what the hell do you think you're doing, huh?" Ash snarled.

Simon smiled apologetically and held his palms up.

"Oh, sorry about that, I didn't know he was spoken for," he said.

Ash cocked his head and gestured between our t-shirts, pointing at the print.

"This wasn't clear enough for you?"

Simon laughed and placed a hand on Ash's shoulder.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna steal your boy. But I'm open for sessions with more than one person, just saying. Not interested in anything more than that. See you around!"

He sauntered off among the crowd and I was left standing there in some form of shock, looking at Ash. His hard expression melted away in an instant and he grinned.

"See? You're more attractive than you think. I think I'll better keep an eye out."

Teasingly he winked at me and took my hand. So that guy had been flirting. And Ash had actually become jealous. Even if he had told me that he would be, it was a completely different thing to see it in action. This was a feeling I had never experienced before, and I was weirdly happy. This made me want Ash even more, just because of it.

It was half past four in the morning when we stumbled into Ash's apartment again. The party had picked up for real and moved outside in the garden, the pool had been uncovered and several of the guests had jumped in with clothes and everything. The guy named Simon had glanced at us several times and smiled, but he didn't approach us again. And every time Ash had caught him watching, he had demonstratively put his arms around me.

Now Ash was swaying in the hallway, trying to get his boots off, and he started to giggle as I lost my balance and fell right at him and dragged him down with me on the floor. Those sickly-sweet cocktails Florian had offered us had really done their job and neither of us had a sober bone in our body anymore. Ash was sprawled out on the floor, and I just couldn't help myself. I crawled onto him and grabbed his hands, pinning them to the floor above his head. I wanted to know how it felt to be in his position and this was the perfect opportunity, him being tipsy and unable to defend himself. He grinned up at me as I was straddling him, and I enjoyed seeing him pretend to break free.

"So, when are you gonna let me fuck you?" I joked, but in that very moment I realized I actually wanted to know.

I wanted to know how he felt inside, to be the one in control. He stopped play-fighting me and clasped his hands behind his head.

"You want to?" he said, out of breath.

"I wanna know how it feels," I said. "Me trying out all this new stuff anyways..."

He laughed and had me on my back in one swift move, but he didn't restrain me as I thought he would, instead he stroked my cheek and planted a kiss on the tip of my chin.

"Then you'll get to know how it feels," he said calmly. "But not tonight, I am so fucking beat. Wanna go to bed?"

I yawned and nodded, and he pulled me up from the floor and into the bedroom. When our clothes were on the floor, and we lay under the sheets we just looked at each other. Ash trailed his finger along my forehead, and he looked like he could fall asleep at any moment. Even dog-tired he looked like a fucking greek god, his smooth skin and that tiny curl of his lips.

"I still don't get why you want to be with me," I mumbled. "I don't think I'll ever do."

Ash closed his eyes took my hand, slowly intertwining his fingers in mine and a faint smile danced across his lips.

"That thing you said about me being in a different league, right?"

"Yeah. You can have anyone you like, just pick and choose."

"Believe it or not, but I'm not always as confident as I look," he sighed sleepily. "I just hide it better than you do. And another thing. I don't want just anyone, ok?"

He squeezed my hand and pulled me close. I relished in the soft warmth of him, feeling his slow heartbeats.

"Ash?" I whispered after a while.

"Mm?" he murmured, half-asleep.

"I don't either."

–--––--

I woke up at the sound of Ash's voice coming from living room. Drowsy I looked at my phone, it was noon already. He had closed the door to the bedroom and seemed to be talking to someone on the phone. I couldn't hear what he was saying but he sounded different. Cold and distant, like he was confirming some military order. I had never heard him talk like that before. Who was on the other end? I picked up my clothes from the floor and put them on but didn't open the door because I guessed he had shut it for a reason. Either to not bother me or that he didn't want me to hear what he was saying. If it was the latter, I didn't want to disturb him by waltzing out there in the middle of his call. But I still couldn't get myself to not try to listen, but it was only muffled sounds.

After a while it got quiet out there. I remained on the bed waiting for him, but he didn't open the door. Instead, it sounded like he was pacing around outside. Then he stopped. Finally, the door opened and I looked up. Ash seemed different. His facial expression was closed off, and even if he smiled at me apologetically it never reached his eyes.

"Damn, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot I had this thing today," he said hurriedly. "I have to toss you out I'm afraid, really sorry about that. But I promise I'll make it up to you, ok?"

"Ok?" I said in surprise and got up from the bed. "It isn't something I can help you with?"

I didn't recognize him. What the hell had that phone call been about? Ash continued smiling that fake smile and just shook his head as he carefully but firmly tugged me out into the hall.

"No, no, nothing like that," he said and watched with impatience as I put on my jacket.

So I didn't even get to eat breakfast with him? He threw me out for real. I racked my brain after something I had done to deserve this, but even my own insecure mind didn't come up with anything. As I stood in the doorway, he suddenly seized my hand.

"Jamie, I'm gonna be out of touch for two days." His voice had become dead serious. "So, there's no reason for you to call or anything. Or to come here. I'll call you. I promise."

He gave me kiss, fast and hard, and shut the door in my face.