Still scared to go into the bedchamber that I would have to share with my husband, I decided to stay outside on the ship. I felt the cool night breeze, while the fresh smell of the sea allowed calmness to overcome me. Numerous stars littered the sky, along with a full moon being in contrast to the dark blue sky.

I was still wearing my wedding gown, but luckily due to the long sleeves and full length of it, I was able to keep warm. Tonight seemed to be lucky, as the sea was calm unlike the scary stores of the travellers.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and flinched, but realized it was my husband. Even in the darkness, a few candles and the bright moon provided us light. I looked up at his towering height and gave a nervous smile.

"Are you planning on standing here all night?"

"The sea is so calm and the night sky is truly remarkable. I will retire in a few moments, what about you?"

"Well, our chamber is the farthest left on the top floor if you wish to sleep now. I will talk to the captain and join you shortly."

I nod my head and see his retreating figure. We have been married for not even a day, yet I feel like I've known Nathaniel forever. I wasn't sure whether I hate him for being bluntly honest or to admire him for that.

I turn around enjoying this night breeze, before deciding to finally sleep. Following my husband's direction I take the stairs to the top floor and open the door farthest on the left.

Just like every other chamber, there was a bed although fairly large, a table, bookshelf, and vanity. On the corner was my clothes and personal items in a trunk.

Walking up to it, I open the trunk and take out a nightgown. I wasn't sure whether I should wait for my husband to disrobe me out of this white wedding dress on our first night or whether I should change.

I've overheard some of the maidens of Alasia talking about sharing a bed with a man. They said it was painful at first, but then gave immense pleasure. I wasn't sure if their word was accurate, but for now it is the only idea I have of a couple's intimacy.

I always protected and held pride in my virtue and wasn't sure if I wanted to share it with my husband who I met moments before our marriage. I believe such intimacy was to be valued and shared between two people who have known each other for quite some time.

I knew we must consummate our marriage soon, as the duty of the King's wife is to produce healthy male heirs, but I still felt uncertainty. I heard stories of husbands taking their wives virginity by force, and that was my worst nightmare.

My husband was still not present, so I decided to take it upon myself and change out of my wedding gown into a night dress. I undone the laces in the front and tried to take off the dress when I noticed the ribbons on the back.

Who would put such ribbons on the back of this dress? As it is my first time wearing a Northerner outfit, I seemed to mess it up even more. I pulled the edge of the ribbon expecting it to come undone, but the knot seemed to get tighter.

I was worried of what I would do, as there were no female passengers in this ship other than I. The crew men made adequate food and did the chores without the need of maids.

I heard the door open and through the vanity mirror I saw my husband walking in. Despite the tightness in the back of the dress, the front of it was still loose enough for me to expose my chest. With the palm of my hand I quickly held up the front flap of the dress to cover my modesty.

Never once did I turn around to face him, instead I look at him through the mirror. He held an unknown look on his face and started walking near me. I felt myself taking deep breaths, not sure due to fright or anxiousness.

There was a tiny gap between us as he looked at my eyes through the mirror. I felt his hand move my hair to the side, exposing my bare shoulder. Before I could fix my dress to cover it, he held my hands and gave butterfly kisses on my collar bone and slowly on my shoulder.

I expected it to be rough, yet it was so delicate. I felt the kisses, but they were like feathers at the same time. I felt myself loosen up a bit and close my eyes as I let out a sigh of relief and pleasure.

I felt a tear on my dress and snapped out of the trance and looked to see him cut the knot on the back of the dress with his dagger. A sense of fear engulfed me and reality hit as I flinched away just before he touched me.

Just moments ago I was enjoying his kisses, but now I was scared of his touch. I felt him slowly turn me around and I closed my eyes in fright. This is it, he is going to rape me I thought.

I felt him cup my face before telling me to open my eyes. I saw him through my blurry vision from the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes.

His face morphed into one of distress before he took a step back and let go of me. A moment ago I flinched away from his touch, yet now I missed his warmth.

"Do you not want to do this Avani?"

I was too scared to answer so I maintained quiet and kept my head down. I'm sure he now sees me as unworthy to be a wife, let alone a queen.

"Avani? Look, I might be your husband, but that doesn't mean I will take you against your will. I can sense that you are not ready right now, but whenever you are ready, we will consummate our marriage."

I looked at him with no words to say yet a thankful expression. I knew I wasn't ready to be a wife, let alone a mother anytime soon. To be a proper wife and mother, I must first be able to accept myself.

He walked up and gave a gentle kiss on my forehead before walking towards the door. I was confused about where he was going. Is this not his sleeping chamber too?

"Nathaniel, where are you going?"

There was no reason to accuse him of adultery, as I was the only female on the ship.

"There is a guest bedroom just a few doors away. I would sleep there until you are comfortable with my presence."

I nodded my head and mumbled a goodbye as I heard the door close. I let go of the dress and sat in the foot of the bed as I cried, both in relief and guilt. I realized that I'm a fortunate woman to have a husband like Nathaniel, yet I felt guilty that such a good man is married to a broken woman like myself.

I dressed in my nightgown and layed on the comfortable mattress. In Alasia, I often slept in bundles of hay or a mat on the cold bare floor which would often hurt my back, but now it felt like I was sleeping on the clouds. Sleep overcame me as I cried myself with an unexplainable guilt and the calm waves of the ocean eventually lulled me to sleep.