CHAPTER 22

Dimitri

The weeks went by better than I expected it. Lillie and I exchanged letters almost three times a week now. Our exchange became much deeper and more personal. We talked about the loss of my brother and losing her dad. The pain and suffering we both endured. She talked about her dickhead ex, a guy named Mason, and how she felt about his engagement. My anger boiled just thinking about the dude. I would never leave a woman like Lillie, let alone fuck some girl behind her back.

I touched on Roxanne but didn't want to say too much on the subject. You know how girls are, I don't want Lillie to think I'm still interested in the girl, which I'm not.

We finally talked about my criminal life before lockdown, but said nothing about my underground fighting days or Big Ben. That would probably freak her out, and that's the last thing I wanted to do.

I told her how I wanted to change. To become a better man. To leave that dark world behind me. Lillie, as always, was encouraging. I clung to her words like a lifeline, pulling me out of my stormy and troubled sea of endless thoughts. She was kind and her words were gentle that soothed my wounded soul when I needed it. I found myself reading her letters over and over again, giving me much needed nourishment.

My head felt like it was about to explode. I was always in battling mode before and in prison. I didn't have a choice. I had to be. But she brought me peace in a way I couldn't explain. If she made me feel like this through letters only, how was it going to feel to be with her, to be around her?

My mind explored this possibility.

I went about my daily schedule in prison. I had to keep busy. I worked my shift in the laundry room, grateful that the superintendent, Vince, will not be gracing me again with his presence. Seems like the warden transferred him to a different wing.

After my shift, I made my way to the library. The place was exactly the same. No further construction took place, which was expected. I wanted to talk to Jimmy. I decided to stay away from the yard and gym area as much as possible, with Vince's gang lurking outside, I didn't want to chance it. There was too much at stake. I ended up most of my time in the library or catching up on some pushups and sit-ups in my cell.

"Hey man. Help me out here, will ya?" Jimmy asked with a strained voice as he picked up some heavy load. I rushed to help him lift the heavy box from the floor to the storeroom. He seemed weaker today and paler, too. We placed the heavy load on the floor.

"You shouldn't be carrying these heavy loads on your own, Jimmy?" I said. But he waved me off.

"Secondhand books from a charity." He explained as if to answer a question I didn't ask, and not answering the one I did.

I nodded, not prying any further.

"How's Lillie doing? Any good news?" he asked, grinning at me. I confided in Jimmy a lot. Especially when it came to Lillie.

"Nah, she's good. I think. From her letters. She sounds good." I replied, giving a side smile.

We walked back to the counter. I leaned against it with my hands in my pocket as we spoke. Jimmy was writing something down.

"How's your son doing?" I asked him.

"His wife just gave birth to a baby girl three days ago. He called me to tell me the news. Can you believe it? I'm a grandpa." He said, beaming from ear to ear.

I smiled. "Congratulations to you and your son".

I thought about having my own family someday. Would I be a good father? Would I be a good husband? Would I be a good man? I envied his son, his family, his life.

We chuckled, but he's smile faded after a while. Reality set in that he won't be able to see his granddaughter like he wants to. He wondered off, lost in his own thoughts. And I understood what he was probably thinking. I changed to one of his favorite topics, books, to lighten the mood.

The conversation flowed after that. He loved talking about the stuff. I guess I know a lot of books thanks to him now.

"There's two things I regret in my life, Dimitri." Suddenly, Jimmy turned serious, his grey eyes burning into me. I gave a nod for him to elaborate further.

"My boy and my wife. My boy grew up without a dad, and my wife... She was a good woman that didn't deserve what I put her through. And I lost her." he said with tears threatening his eyes. It took me aback and I didn't know how to respond. All I could do was nod. Honestly, I didn't know what to say.

"When you find a good woman. When you get out. Hold on to her tight and never let her go." he continued.

"If I find her," I replied with a weak smile.

But it didn't seem that Jimmy heard me. He stopped what he was doing and stared into the distance. I got the feeling he wanted to be alone.

With my hands in my pockets, I strolled back to my cell. Jimmy's words made me think about my own life. An uneasiness settled in my stomach. I wasn't sure what my future held. I just would like Lillie to be a part of it.