I had to leave, disappear into another room. The way he hugged me and showed me how sorry he was, the way I felt guilty for causing his tears and felt the urge to wipe them away was just too much.

When I got home and found my pillow on the floor, I decided it was best not to crawl in bet with him, he clearly didn't want me to. It broke my heart over and over when all I could think about was how he kept pushing me away. How much more of this was I going to take? How much more could I handle and still stay true to myself.

The bathroom was a good place to escape and think about the mixed feelings I felt about that hug. I wanted to pull him closer, tell him I was okay, but that would have been a lie. I wasn't okay, and now he was part of the reason why...

When I came out of the shower, I wanted nothing more than to put some fresh clothes on and go back to the kitchen, tell him something other than I have to leave, tell him we were going to be okay but that I just needed time. I needed him, but I needed time a little more. I put on a white fluffy sweater, some mom jeans and my lilac high tops. I needed to wear them...I just needed to.

I was ready to tell him something, limping back towards the kitchen. My leg was alright, less painful than the day before but still it reminded me of what happened. Lukas... I whispered under my breath when I noticed the kitchen door was closed. He locked himself in there, he didn't want to face me.

I heard his muffled sobs on the other side of the door, and I frowned my eyebrows trying to push away the hurt from my face. "Lukas I love you." I whispered faintly, putting my hand to the door, but I don't think he heard me.

I shook my head, trying to close myself off from being stabbed in the heart again. I grabbed my coat and bag before walking out, without seeing Lukas. I should have said something when I had the chance, why didn't I say anything? I had the feeling that not saying goodbye to him was going to haunt me for the rest of the day, and it did. More than I thought.

He didn't know he hurt me, but why did he walk away when he did. He didn't even help me? He left me there. What would I have done if it wasn't for Zach? I don't even want to think about him now for a second. I should have kept my distance form him. Okay, we're thinking about it, great. Going to class was pointless because there was no way in this world that I could concentrate, thinking of reason not to forgive him, but then I kept telling myself that a life without him just wasn't an option.

I was just waiting through each class for it to be over, for being an hour closer to going back home, hoping he would be there, and we could talk. We need to talk. Not talking is the reason we are in this mess. All of a sudden, my phone started vibrating on my notes, in the middle of class. Shit it's Lukas, I can't pick up now... but he's calling me...I cannot not pick up... I have to pick up. If I don't, he's gonna think... I don't want to know what he's gonna think. That's when I decided this class was pointless anyway and I grabbed my things, leaving in the middle of class. The professor is going to hate me for the rest of the semester, but that's not important now.

By the time I was out of that auditorium my phone had stopped ringing. I have to call him back. I was anxious when I heard the phone ring, waiting for it to go over. I leaned my back against the wall because I was pretty sure my legs were going to go weak at the sound of his voice. "Hey." The phone went over, his voice obviously cracking with emotion, it soft yet terrifying at once. He sounded broken.

"Hey..." I whispered, trying not to turn into a sobbing mess in the middle of the hallway. I already felt the tears sting in my eyes again no matter how hard I tried to hold them back, because it was him. My Lukas again. "You called me..." I said, my voice barely there as I forced it not to break.

"I did..." He was quick to reply a hint of hope laced through his voice as he must have felt I wasn't planning on hanging up. "I... Baby..." He whispered and the sadness that overcame him was audible through the phone, the sound of him like this nearly made my heart collapse. "I can tell you a thousand times I'm sorry..." He paused before desperately sighing and it my breath away. He's crying, oh god he's crying... I looked for the nearest bathroom and started walking through the pain in my leg, the silence on the phone unbearable. "But it's not going to work is it?" He said desperately, letting it all out in a sob, his voice faint and hurt.

I stopped in my tracks taking the phone away from my ear to bring it to my chest. The moment I did, sobbing mess it was and my heart felt like it was being pinched at every heartbeat. "That's not true." I whispered softly between my sobs, tears staining my face like a waterfall. "Lukas..." I started, going into the bathroom, locking myself in one of them. I sat down on the toilet, my legs creaming with relief. "Lukas..." I couldn't talk, I couldn't say anything other than his name. I just sat there sobbing into the phone.

"You don't have to say anything baby." He whispered; disappointment evident in his voice. "I just wanted to hear your voice." If hurt had a voice, then that's what I heard. "I don't expect you to forgive me. Not after what I d-"

"Luke, why did you leave me there?" I sobbed, before I even thought about it, my interruption coming as a surprise for the both of us. The pain from yesterday came back to me in flashes, seeing him leave me there unaffected and cold.

"Uuhm." He hesitated as he didn't expect me to ask this. "Because I hurt you, while I was drunk... I'm not better than them Bells. I realized I'm just as bad as them, and it killed me. I know that in your head you were comparing me to them, and I didn't want to face it." My parents no! He spoke from his heart as his emotion filled voice cracked throughout his words, but I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He thought I was comparing him to them... Lukas. "I know you hate me for it, and you have every right. I didn't mean to h-"

"Stop!" I raised my voice to end his spill of thoughts and wiped away the tears from my cheeks. That's why he left me? Because he thought I would despise him, like I do them. Not today, not ever. He's nothing like them. "Stop saying that! I would never compare you to them. Lukas, leaving me broke my heart, not the pushing me over part. Don't you see that. You left me like you didn't care, like you didn't love me-"

"I do, I do love you!" His voice ended in a sob and I imagined the tears roll down his face like this morning. It hurt me deeply that I was the reason he was crying. "You don't deserve this, you don't deserve to get hurt by someone you love. I said awful things, I should have never said any of them!" I could hear the regret flowing through my phone and all I wanted to do was hug him, like this morning but hug him back and tell him we were going to be okay, maybe not today but someday.

"You're nothing like my parents, don't you even dare to think that..." I urged... feeling the guilt in my own voice that he felt like that, that I made him feel like that. "You said awful things, things I need to process, but you're not like them." I shook my head, still unable to believe he thought that he was.

"I know I fucked up but come home tonight, please." He said softly, the begging tone in his voice laced around my heart and squeezed it.

"I'll come home straight after my shift." I smiled into the phone as I tried to wipe away the tears once more. I didn't even know where they kept coming from.

"Can I pick you up? Please? I'm not going to let you walk on that leg." He spoke fast not really giving me a choice.

"I finish at seven. Yeah, you can pick me up." I felt relieved that I didn't have to walk home but somehow, I was also anxious to see him, afraid to see how we were going to work it out. Were we going to work it out, be able to have a conversation about this that didn't have a phone in the middle?

"I'll be there." He kept his voice low and soft, maybe he was just as scared as me because even though we talked we both felt something about this conversation was off, that all wasn't right after just a phone call and it was sad. This was going to take time, but how long...

"See you then." I said and I heard him sigh, as if he didn't want to say goodbye. Part of me wanted to say I forgave him then and there but another part of me needed to talk about this first, another part of me didn't know what it wanted, that part just wanted to protect me from continuously getting hurt by the people I love, it was the part of me that was dark and damaged, traumatized even and that part was also part of me.

"I love you." He whispered into the phone before hanging up, afraid that if he didn't he would get silence instead of me saying it back.

I put the phone to my chest once again both his honesty and his awful words from yesterday mixing in my head. It was like he was a completely different person yesterday; someone I didn't like. I'm scared he's much more like that than I thought he was. What if every time he feels insecure he pulls shit like this, I'm not sure my heart can handle it. I just need to tell him, I need to tell him that I can't expose myself to the person he was yesterday, even though he'll never be like my parents, I don't want to ever feel the way I felt I last night, like I meant nothing.

After another pointless class of not paying attention to a word the professor said I walked into the café to get ready for my shift. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I didn't feel like eating now, I just couldn't so I just went straight into the locker-room to change. I walked into to Zach coming out of it at the same time, bumping into his hard chest. "Hey you." He smiled as his hands carefully laced around my upper arms to steady me. I looked up at him warily and distracted. He had taken care of me yesterday, pulling Lukas off Drew, defend me, gave me a ride home, he was a great friend and I never even thanked him for it.

The look on his face turned soft when I didn't say anything. I just looked at him, the search for words today going south every time I tried to speak, no matter to whom it was. I was a bad friend for just taking the things he did for granted and it made me feel like an even more horrible person. "Zach...I..." I tried to speak but the emotional ball of bottled up feelings in my throat stopped me, the only thing coming out of me at the time, another bundle of tears.

"Hey, Hey, Hey." He said, pulling me back into the locker room by my arms, his warm hands comfortingly caressing them up and down. "Why are you crying?" He looked at me with frowned brows, yet his face was soft. His hand reached up to wipe the tears from my face with his thumb and I could see him clench his jaw. "Did he do something when you got home?" He gritted trough his teeth.

"No, it's just I'm sorry for dragging you into this..." I shook my head against the palm of his hand. "I didn't even thank you...I'm sorry. You went through all this trouble to drive me home in the middle of the night and I didn't even show you that I was grateful. I'm sorry."

I looked down at my shoes but his thumb pushing my chin up made me meet the softness in his eyes. "That's no trouble at all." He whispered with a smile on his face. "I'm thankful I didn't get punched it the face when I pulled Lukas of Drew." He let out a laugh and I couldn't help but join him, shaking my head as I smiled. "Rodolph, you're cute when you smile, so smile." He laughed, using his thumbs to push the corners of my mouth up, making me smile more.

I shook my head closing my eyes while I exaggerated my smile at him. "Is this better?" I laughed as his hand disappeared from my face.

"So much better, you have no idea." He smirked at me as he adjusted the cap on his head.

I looked up at him, into the kindness of his green eyes, his happiness and joy infectious. "Thank you for everything yesterday. Not a lot of people care about me like that." I whispered while nervously adjusting the crooked collar of his polo shirt, my hands lingering on it a little.

His hands gently wrapped around my wrists, his fingers softly caressing the fluffiness of my sweater.. "Then, not a lot of people are lucky." He smiled before letting go of me, my hands falling to my side as his words hit me.

"Thank you." I looked up at him through my eyelashes, his perfect words still simmering through my head. I chuckled before realizing he felt lucky because of me, because I was his friend and that was exactly what I needed to hear.

"Get dressed now, before the coffee addicts start coming after you when there's nobody to make them their coffee. He laughed, taking a step back to have me walk to my locker.

"Yeah, wouldn't want that." I chuckled, his joy once again pushing away the sad and dominant thoughts in my head. I shook my head when I opened my locker only to find a paper bag with a pot-it on it on top of my clothes. Comfort food. Said the note and I whipped my head into Zach's direction, an instant smirk on his lips. "Thanks." I shook my head at him, my lips displaying a grin and suddenly my stomach did feel a little hungry. "Thought you said muffins weren't lunch." I said while I watched him lean into the doorpost.

He chuckled before taking his shoulder away from the door. "They are today." He laughed, his soft eyes meeting mine briefly before he walked into the front of the café. They are today. I chuckled before putting my head back into my locker, suddenly feeling lucky.