《First one》Forty-Five: is this a joke?
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What do you do when your heart is crushed? You order pizza. When I got home, tears staining my face after a little walk I couldn't bring myself to take off Lukas's hoodie, I just couldn't, not even after he hurt me and wanted me out of his apartment faster than lightning. I also wasn't feeling very much in a study mood anymore since my mind was trying to find a reason why he did what he did, but I just couldn't think of one so to get my mind of things I ordered pizza and put on mean girls.
A knock on my door echoed through my entire apartment. Finally, who needs a guy when you can have pizza delivered at your door. I took some money to pay the delivery guy and happily swung the door open, my face as pale as a sheet when it wasn't the delivery guy but Lukas standing at my doorstep. I saw his familiar face but didn't take my time to observe any details as my first reaction was to slam the door shut in his face. Why? Because earlier he couldn't and wouldn't give me an explanation and I doubted he would have given me one now, and I was expecting pizza so you can imagine my disappointment.
I sighed, my hand still attached to the doorknob and my mind debating whether or not to open the door. "Bells please let me explain. I'm sorry." I heard Lukas say from the other side of the door, his voice cracked and was followed by a deep sigh. Sorry? Sorry is all I get? This is the straw that hurt me a bit too much.
"Unless you are a delivery guy with a four seasons pizza, go away Lukas." I snarled at him, while putting my back to the door. I wanted to cry but after that walk home, shedding every tear I could, I had no more tears left, not for him, not again. That's what I tried to tell myself at least, because it was taking every bit of my willpower not to open the door and let him in.
"Please." He begged while knocking on the door again. I bit my lip, trying not to give in to yet another apology.
"Go away, Lukas. You should take a hint like I did earlier." I snarled again and even though my lips told him to go away my heart wanted to let him in and my mind, my mind reasoned with both of them finding a compromise, which was until this point unsuccessful.
"Fuck." I silently heard him cuss under his breath. "I know I hurt you but please, we need to talk about this. I'm not walking away because of an argument." He said, his soft voice, pleading on the other side of the door.
"An argument? That what you call chunning me after we had sex, like I'm one of your hookups. I thought I meant more to you than just a freaking fuckbuddy!" I yelled, getting frustrated by the ongoing arguing and the fact I still hadn't had my pizza to become the glue that held me together from falling apart. Overdramatic I know, but that's what you get for spending too much time with Mia.
"Bella, of course you a-" He said his voice more desperate by the second, but I wasn't ready to forgive him.
"I don't want to hear it! Go away!" I yelled while taking my phone and putting on some music on my Bluetooth speakers, putting them just loud enough so I wouldn't be able to hear the rest of his apology. If you want to treat me like trash, I'll act like it.
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Ten minutes passed listening to sad love ballads while some unwanted tears found their way to my cheeks when I thought about the way Lukas desperately wanted me out if his way, like bringing your adopted puppy back to the shelter. Which made me think of all the possible reasons he would act like that. Maybe he thought we were moving too fast? Maybe he met someone at the shop today, someone more attractive, more his usual type. Maybe the sex wasn't satisfying enough which was my biggest insecurity with all his experience.
I put the volume of the speakers down a notch, and by the sound and the looks of it, Lukas was gone, and I still didn't get my pizza which was annoying. But just like the delivery guy was reading my mind a soft knock on the door sounded all the way to my living room.
"Pizza delivery." The soft yet deep voice echoed, and I quickly toddled to the door, some money in my hand and with pizzatastic enthusiasm and looking like a mess with tearstained cheeks I swung the door open.
I shook my head when all I saw was Lukas holding my pizza, his hair looking like he had put his hand through it a few too many times and his light grey eyes apologetic.
"I could come in if I had pizza?" He said his voice soft almost cracking and a small smirk coating his full lips as he pulled up his shoulders. I squeezed my eyes, almost smiling at how he took my words a bit too literal while I gripped both sides of the pizza box. "Don't worry I paid the delivery guy and gave him a tip." He said deliberately not letting go of the box as I saw him put one foot in the door from the corner of my eye. "Ooh come on Bells... Let me in. we need to talk about this." He said pushing the box backwards, making me take a step back as I held on to the box and the bastard was inside with both feet, shutting the door behind him.
"If you think you're getting a single piece of my pizza you're wrong." I said, tugging the box from his hands before turning on my heel to walk towards my dining table to put the box down.
"I don't feel like eating right now." He said, his head hanging low, looking at his shoes and his hands tugged into the pockets of his leather jacket. He almost looked nervous by the way he was leaning back and forth on his heels.
"Thanks for paying the guy but do you really think buying me pizza is going to make things right?" I said, my tone a bit too harsh but nothing he didn't deserve. I decided the couch was a better place to eat pizza and ignore him, so I took the box with me and flopped down on the couch with it.
"I didn't say it would make things right...you just would have never let me in if I didn't." He said, slowly and carefully walking over to the couch as if someone was lurking around the corner for him. He hid his hands in his pockets while his shoes tapped on my hardwood floor.
"And I told you to go away Lukas, you hurt me!" I blurted out even though deep down I was happy to have him around me. This couldn't be the end to something that had barely begun.
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"And I'm apologizing for it now, aren't I? He said while sitting down on the couch next to me his hands still in his pockets. Sure, make yourself at home while my pizza is getting cold.
His eyes met mine and he meant it, he was sorry but I'm sure he saw in my eyes a simple sorry wasn't good enough.
"That's the problem Lukas, you shouldn't have to apologize in the first place! Why did you do this? Was the sex not good enough? Was it tha-" I scoffed at him but his hand latched out to mine trying to intertwine our fingers but I pulled back.
"No! Bells, not at all! Is that what you think this is about?" He cut me off, looking at how I pulled my hand back from his, his eyes sad and his voice filled with panic. It hurt him that I wouldn't let him touch me, the distance and atmosphere between us unlike yesterday.
"Then what the hell is it about Lukas!? Go on! Tell me why you suddenly treated me like garbage not even 12 hours after we had sex." I half yelled at him, feeling the emotion sting at the corner of my eyes. "What are you waiting for?" I pulled my shoulders up throwing my hands in the air in front of me. He watched my every move frowning his brows at me and I could see him clench his teeth.
"Because I thought you were screwing Drew!" He gritted through his teeth the anger in his voice certainly present, even his fists were balled and something told me he was thinking about murder at this point.
"What? Why would you even think that?!" I yelled, shaking my head at the thought of me and Drew. I was feeling sick to my stomach, almost throwing up at the sight of my pizza.
"Because he got your name tattooed on his fucking wrist!" Lukas said bouncing his knee up and down and I felt the room close in on me, the lights being knocked out of me, trouble breathing, trouble thinking, trouble to exist. This is so much worse than I thought.
"Hold on, he did what? Is this a joke?" I whispered, the shock visible on my face and audible in my voice and I felt like I was going to faint as my breathing quickened.
"I wish it was! On top of that he was telling Rodrigo in the shop things were amazing between you two and you made him a better man, Fucking show off, what the hell was I supposed to think Bella! I thought you were sleeping with him!" Lukas gritted through his teeth but with each word I could focus less, the world around me disappearing slowly and painfully. "Bells I'm sorry, I didn't know what to feel." He whispered, his warm hand desperately taking mine again, this time I let him as it send a wave of comfort through my body, calming down an imminent panic attack.
"He came to me in class, I rejected him Lukas, if anything he creeps me out! You should have trusted me Lukas. You didn't even ask me if it was true. You should have asked ME!" I yelled after swallowing down the fear, caused by Drew who made me feel claustrophobic in an open space, like I had nowhere to escape.
"I know, I'm a fucking idiot. Especially when it comes to you! I don't want to mess this up. So badly, that I mess up even more. I don't know what to do here, this is undiscovered territory for me. I'm upset because I care, maybe for the first time ever." He said, rubbing his finger across my hand in the softest way possible, his eyes light and pleading. I listened to his words and I looked at his thumb, lightly caressing the palm of my hand and all the anger disappeared. What would I have done when I saw Olivia with a tattoo of Lukas's name? I'm not the jealous type but I would have been upset too, that's what he was, he was upset.
"So, you care?" I said, my breath almost shaking while I spoke, nervous to hear his answer even though he already said it once, I wanted to hear it again. He shifted his body towards me his hand pulling me closer to him.
"Come here." He whispered, his hands guiding me to straddle his lap. I hesitantly sat up right and swung my leg over him, his other hand grabbing my waist, his fingers softly putting pressure on my skin. His hand holding mine guided it to the back of his neck where he let go, letting me decide to pull back or keep it there. Mesmerized, hypnotized by him I let it stay there, my fingers going through his hair. I decided to join my hands, putting both of them around his neck. For a moment we just looked at each other, no words said, no movements made, just staring at each other which was our most intimate moment so far. It felt special, more intense than sex and it felt like he was telling me what was on his mind just by looking in his eyes. "I'm sorry that I made you cry." Lukas whispered, his hand moving up to my face, cupping it and rubbing his thumb along the smudged mascara on my cheeks.
"You really hurt me Lukas." I whispered, the words almost staying stuck at my throat. His hand dropped from my face as he looked down, regret radiating from his actions before sliding his hand under my hoodie at my side, his fingers touching my bare skin which was as exhilarating as always. He stared at his hands on my waist, my body straddling his and I could see he was thinking.
"I know." He whispered, not making eye contact, as if he was afraid to show how much he regretted it. He sighed deeply, his hands drawing circles on my skin before letting his head fall back against the couch, a smirk on his lips while he stared at my lips with hooded eyes, the grip on my waist stronger than before. "Go on date with me Bells?". He whispered, his grey eyes almost pleading me to say yes, but should I...
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