I am drunk. More drunk than I have been in a very long time. I knew it was a bad idea to come to this party.

Clearly, my decision making skills can use some work. I almost feel like I'm outside of myself, watching. I keep drinking. Shot after shot, knocking them back. I'm in rare form tonight. Seeing him out with her, on a date, holding her hand, kissing her, the comfortable denial I had settled into cracked.

She's his girlfriend.

Noah Johansson has settled down, the notorious player has been tamed. He must have taken one look at her and everything that he never knew he was missing was personified.

The commitment, the responsibility, all the bullshit he always said was too much, suddenly became worth it. I'm such a stupid woman. I really believed that if I loved him hard enough, if I waited patiently, he would realize that he wanted me. I feel heartbroken, gutted, like I'm mourning the end of a long term relationship.

He was never mine, he never fucking wanted me. Well, not my heart, anyway. He was fine to use my body, to fuck me, he just didn't want the hassle that came with the rest of me.

I thought I was different from the other girls. He always came back to me. I am different from those other girls. After a few weeks, they wanted more than a meaningless physical relationship, I kept my mouth shut.

I'm different from them in the worst way. I pushed my heart to the side and kept faithful to a man that wasn't mine to be faithful to.

Looking up from the sea of empty bottles in front of me I can't help the laugh that rips from my throat. "You have got to be fucking shitting me" I laugh bitterly.

Noah and his girlfriend are walking into the backyard, hand in hand. "Of course they're here." I take another shot.

"Eve, maybe you should slow down" Jackson says, obvious concern in his eyes.

"Oh, Jackie" I slur "I'm absolutely fine. I stand and push past him.

I go upstairs looking for a quiet room. I've never been to a party at this house before. The last room at the end of the hallway is empty. There are band posters covering every inch of the walls and most of the ceiling. Sitting on the floor in front of the bookshelf I look over an expansive vinyl record collection. Scanning the shelves I see an old Bob Dylan album, 'The Freewheelin.'

Before I even realize what I'm doing I'm setting it on the turn-table.

"Well it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Ifin' you don't know by now

An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

It'll never do some how

When your rooster crows at the break a dawn

Look out your window and I'll be gone

You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on

Don't think twice, it's all right"

I'm clumsily swaying through some stranger's room. Dancing with myself. Singing quietly.

"So long honey babe

Where I'm bound, I can't tell

Goodbye is too good a word, babe

So I just say fare thee well

I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind

You could have done better but I don't mind

You just kinda wasted my precious time

But don't think twice, it's all right"

"I need to go home." I tell myself, into the empty room.

Slowly stumbling down the long hallway I stop dead in front of Shiloh. She's coming out of the bathroom, standing right beside me. I turn to her and like vomit the angry, jealous words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"You're not special, you know? He does this all the time. You're just the girl for this week. His fuck buddy until he gets bored with you. Then he'll kick you to the curb like the countless girls before you."

Her face pales and a tear rolls down her cheek. She stares at me, wide eyed with her mouth open for a second before she runs down the hall with tears streaming down her face.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. What the fuck did I just do?!

---------

I burst through the door. A loud, uncoordinated mess of sobs, tears and indecipherable slurred words.

"Whoa, shit" Chase jumps up from the couch to check on me. I hear Sierra yelling from the bathroom "Evie, one second." Chase leads me to sit down as Sierra comes running out "oh my God, Eve, what happened? Are you ok?" She asks frantically while searching my body for injuries.

"I'm fine" I say between sobs.

"Evie, what happened?"

I jump up and push past them, pulling on my hair as I pace around our living room.

"I did something so bad" I sob "something so fucking stupid."

They are both quiet, watching me anxiously.

"I talked to Noah's girlfriend tonight. Well, it was less like talking and more like me, accosting her while being a huge bitch."

"What do you mean?" Chase asks after a moment, while I sit quietly, offering no more information.

"Well" I start "I went to the party at Theta Chi and got disgustingly drunk. Like.... Sophomore year after the mardi gras festival"

Sierra cringes, obviously remembering how piss drunk we got that night. Lets just say, there may have been streaking across a park and an unfortunate puking incident in the middle of the street that caused a drunken chain reaction of sympathetic puking. It was vile.

"Anyway, I saw Noah and his girlfriend there and... I don't know what the fuck happened. Since we saw them at McAllisters I've been mad at him. Mad that he finally decides to get his shit together and it's with her! I've been here, I've been taking care of him, I've been such an idiot" my lip trembles "I saw them and for some reason all my fury landed on her. I hate her, Sie."

My tears begin to fall again. "I know I'm being irrational. I know that but I can't stop myself. I'm mad at him, not her. She didn't do anything wrong but I can't stop blaming her. When I saw her coming out of the bathroom I snapped. I told her that "she isn't special and that he will get bored with her, that she's just another on a long list of fuck buddies" fuck, I was such a huge bitch" I sob.

"Oh, Eve" Sierra jumps up, wrapping me in a tight hug.

"I fucked up, Sie. She was crying. I feel so horrible" I cry into her shoulder "You should have seen her face. Why the fuck did I do that?"

"Evie, you're drunk and hurting" she starts

"No. Don't make excuses for me, Sie. I was like some fucking psycho ex girlfriend. Except that's the worst part. I'm not his ex. He doesn't want me, he never did."

"Maybe you can apologize to her?" Chase says from the couch. I snap my eyes to him, honestly, I forgot he was here. My cheeks burn with embarrassment knowing he's witnessing me at my lowest, most pathetic point.

"Would you listen to my apology in this situation?" I ask Sierra, wondering if that was even a viable option.

"I mean" she hesitates "I want to say yes because I love you and I will always listen to your apologies but if I was her? Probably not."

"Fuck" I sigh.

"Go shower, take some advil and drink a bottle of water then go to bed, Evie. There's nothing more that can be done tonight. We'll brainstorm in the morning ok? Maybe we can fix this" she says with a smile "I love you."

"I love you" I say laying my head on her shoulder "thanks for not disowning me when you found out what a fucking psycho I am."