Around midnight Sierra and I stumble as quietly as we can into our small apartment. We've lived together in a tiny two bedroom apartment since the summer after freshman year. Even though we have almost no space, I know I'll miss it when we graduate. I jump in the shower while scrubbing my makeup off. I want to be in bed as soon as possible.

This isn't the first time I've felt like an idiot, going out of my way to see Noah only to have him no-show. It feels worse each time. I can't help but to wonder where he was or who he was with. I know it's none of my business, he has made it clear that I am just a friend, but I can't make myself stop. Jacksons words play over and over again in my mind.

Slipping on an old UCLA tshirt and panties I snuggle into my bed. Even though I had hoped to see him tonight I'm not upset about calling it fairly early and coming home to bed only mildly buzzed. I'll have plenty of time to sleep and wake up without a hangover. A silver lining. I grab my laptop from the empty side of my bed and quietly play my personal sad girl anthem.

"Loving you

Isn't the right thing to do

How can I ever change things

That I feel"

I nod my head slightly, Lindsey Buckingham gets me. Right as the chorus starts I feel my phone vibrate. My heart flutters and I tell myself not to look. It's almost one o'clock in the morning. There is only one person who would text me at this hour. I bite my lip, trying to focus on the song again. As the last note plays I grab my phone. A text message. Unlocking my phone I stair at the app with the notification, wishing I was strong enough to ignore it.

From Noah: Hey Evie, are you at the sigma party tonight?

To Noah: I was but I'm home.

From Noah: Why so early? You ok?

To Noah: Yeah, I'm fine. I just wasn't really in a partying mood

From Noah: Can I come over?

To Noah: Sure, you know where the key is.

I'm a stupid weakling. A stupid, weak, spineless idiot. Fuck. I rub my hands over my face. Why can't I resist him? Why do I let him ignore me for two weeks then jump as soon as he reaches out for a quick fuck in the middle of the night. Why did I so quickly agree to let him come after talking to Jackson.

About fifteen minutes later I hear the front door close quietly. Noah has been here so many times he doesn't need a light on to maneuver around the apartment. As he enters my room he quietly sets his shoes down on the floor.

"Hey" he whispers.

"Hey" I sit up in bed

"Were you asleep?"

"No, I just laid down"

He climbs into bed with me "I haven't seen you in a while, you been ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Where have you been?" I try to sound calm and aloof.

"Just busy with classes. I had a few big projects due this past week"

I roll over onto my side, facing him. His eyes look tired. "You look tired" I whisper.

"I am. I haven't slept well this week. I was hoping you could help me with that."

He positions himself between my legs, holding himself up on his forearms as he buries his face in my neck. I notice he already has a condom in his hand. He starts to rub himself against me through our clothes "fuck, I've been so stressed out" he groans against my ear. I turn and kiss his temple, rubbing my hand through his hair, hoping to comfort him.

"Are you ok?" I crane my neck back to try to see his face. I can't help but feel strange. Something feels off. He's purposely hiding his face from me. "Noah?" I ask softly, trying to get him to look at me.

"Everything is fucked up right now, Evie." He says pulling himself up so that his face isn't in my neck anymore but he still won't meet my eyes. I lean forward and kiss his cheek, then the corner of his mouth, then his chin. He seems hesitant but he finally puts his lips on mine.

He reaches down with one hand and pulls at his pants, pulling them down just enough to release himself. As he reaches for my panties I lift up slightly so he can pull them off my hips and down my legs. He groans into the kiss as our centers touch. He sits back, opening the condom with his teeth then rolling it down his length.

He lines himself up against me, then slowly sinks into me, letting out a low groan. I put my hands on his shoulders, looking up at his face. He hasn't actually looked at me since he got here. With his eyes shut tight he starts to move, slowly at first, then building speed, his center crashing into mine.

He groans but it sounds different. It doesn't sound like pleasure, it sounds like pain. I put my hands on his face, lightly rubbing his cheek with my thumb, his eyes snap open but he immediately looks down.

"Fuck" he whispers, and my eyes sting, tears welling up before I tightly shut them. This feels wrong. There is no lust or pleasure on his face at all. The opposite, in fact, he seems like he's in pain, anguish clear in his voice. He brings his hand down to my center and rubs me. I feel betrayed by my body as my legs start to shake. Physically it feels amazing but mentally, emotionally, something feels wrong.

I open my eyes, he's looking down at where we meet, where he is slamming into me. His brows are knit together, he looks deep in thought, and whatever he's thinking about, isn't good. I clench around him and he lets put a strangled moan, thrusting hard one last time before he stills, twitching inside me.

We're both silent now except our ragged breaths. He sits up for a moment, rubbing his face with his hands, his eyes are closed and he looks deep in thought. It's almost like he's forgotten that I'm here, he's deep inside himself, thinking on something so hard that he's forgotten his surroundings.

He groans and stands, grabbing his pants from around his knees and quickly pulling them up. He takes a few steps toward the door then stops, half turning his body back to me but he doesn't look at me.

"I'll see you later, Evangeline."

Before I can reply he is quickly but quietly leaving my room.

My mind is reeling. What the fuck just happened?

He has rules about girls and his room. He doesn't have sex in his room, period. He also doesn't cuddle, except with me. Whenever he's come to my apartment in the past he stays here, sleeps with me, sometimes waking up in the morning for another round, sometimes talking, sometimes inviting me to grab breakfast. This felt like an awkward one night stand, like two strangers, not like people who have known each other, who have been friends, for almost four years.

A quiet knock on my door snaps me from my thoughts. My heart flutters in my chest. He's back, to talk, maybe to explain whatever the fuck that was, to sleep beside me.

I get up, pulling my panties up and quickly open my door. I can't hide the disappointment on my face when Sierra is standing outside of my door with a small, sad smile.

"Um, hey" she says cautiously "I saw Noah rushing out of here, are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine" my voice gives away the lie as it wavers slightly. I turn around quickly, walking back to my bed, trying to collect myself, to will the tears away before Sierra sees them.

"What happened, Eve?" She asks softly, stepping into the room.

"Fuck" I say as the tears well up and spill down my cheeks "I don't fucking know" I whisper "he texted me, he asked if he could come over. Then everything was so weird. He reached out to me but it was like, I don't know, it was like he didn't want to be here. He wouldn't look at me, we had sex but he was acting like it physically hurt him to touch me. After he didn't really say anything, he jumped up and ran, like he hated himself."

By now I'm pacing around my small room as Sierra sits quietly on the edge of my bed. "He has never treated me like that before, Sie. He's never acted like I was some random lay, like he doesn't care about me at all. I feel disgusting."

"Come on" Sierra says, grabbing my hand and leading me out of my room and into hers "lets sleep in here. I'll put on Drop Dead Gorgeous and we'll go to sleep "

"Ok" I sniff, wanting to forget all about this weird night and gnawing feeling.

"I love you, Evangeline" she says as she wraps me in her blankets.

"I love you, Sie."