END OF APRIL

I may have gotten away with not having morning sickness or some of those agonies of the first trimester that most women experience, but mother nature sure made up for it as I’m navigating this second trimester. Number one being the hormones. I consider just waking up every morning and starting my day with an apology because I never know which me Wes is going to see.

On Easter Sunday I was a crying mess the entire day. It is one of the few days a year in which the entire Brown clan gets together and joins Mama Betsy and Raymond to church. I probably cried a hundred times that day. The first was when Annabelle woke up early because the Easter bunny had come. It was my first time getting to be the Easter Bunny and a moment I will for sure remember forever.

I’d never seen somebody so happy about a few plastic eggs hidden around the house. I thought I was going to be just fine until the girl comes up to me and says that next year she’s going to teach the baby how to hunt for Easter eggs. I was done. I started full-out ugly crying. Poor thing thought she hurt my feelings, but I was just so damn happy for all the things that would be coming next year with our growing family.

At the church service, the preacher talked about how Spring and Easter are the time for new beginnings and new life. Spring marks a new year for farms and ranches and the new life that he was mostly talking about wasn’t human, but when Wes slipped his hand on my ever-growing belly, well damn I lost it in the middle of the church service.

Then there was the family picture. Much to Wes’s chagrin, I had picked out coordinating outfits for us to wear on Easter. He looked so handsome in his dark denim jeans and light blue dress shirt. The blue matched the blue flowers in my skirt and the blue cardigan Annabelle wore on top of her dress. Tiff took our pictures in front of the church and showed them to me later. Annabelle on his side, his arm around my waist holding me close, and my pregnant belly holding our baby.

Another thing that has been a battle is this growing belly of mine. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my belly, but height has never been my strong suit, and apparently when you’re barely 5’2” a pregnant belly just takes over. What started as a cute little bump at 14 weeks has almost taken over me at 20 weeks and I feel utterly massive. I cannot imagine what I’m going to look like at 40 weeks.

Being that I am in my 20th week, it is the week that we’ve all been waiting for. Today we get to find out the gender of the newest Baby Brown. Everybody has placed their bets, all the guys except Tyler think it is a boy and all of the girls think that it is a girl. We’re pretty sure Sadie is hoping for a girl too.

“Any last guesses?” Wes squeezes my knee.

I glance over at him and shake my head, “I don’t know, I’m still going back and forth.”

“Well, I guess after today you won’t be indecisive.” He gives his eyebrows a little wiggle causing me to laugh. We’ve both been really excited to find out if we’re having a boy or girl. Neither of us has a preference. We both love Annabelle so much, so having another girl wouldn’t be a disappointment or anything.

“I’m not indecisive! I just can’t make up my mind.”

“I’m pretty sure that is the definition.”

Dr. Neil knocks on the door and waits for our response to open it. She has a huge smile on her face as she steps in and shakes both my hand and Wes’s. “Good to see you two again. I figured Dad would be at this appointment too.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world or any appointment if I can help it.” Wes has made the time every single month to come to my appointments. I told him after the first one it wasn’t a big deal, but he still wants to join me. I think it is making up for the missed opportunity with Annabelle.

“Are we ready to check on the baby today?” Dr. Neil claps her hands together.

My face lights up and I get really excited again. “I’ve been waiting almost two months for this, since our first ultrasound.”

“Well, let’s not make you wait much longer. Are mom and dad wanting to find out the gender today?”

“There are a lot of bets riding on this appointment, Doc.” Wes teases Dr. Neil as she is prepping the ultrasound equipment.

“Sounds serious, I’ll make sure I double check. What do you think, mom?” She asks looking over at me.

“I don’t have a mother's intuition because I keep changing my mind. This morning I was thinking girl, but now that we’re here I’m thinking maybe a boy.”

“Alright, let’s find out. I’m going to do that first and then I have a bunch of measurements that I want to get, okay?”

“Sounds good!”

The patient table that I’m sitting on is lowered slightly and she lifts up my shirt sightly to expose my belly. A large portion of my stomach is covered in the cold gel and Dr. Neil begins to move the probe around. We sit in silence as she gets started, moving around the side of my belly trying to get the perfect shot between the legs.

“Look at those long legs on this baby!” She points to the screen. “Are you feeling kicks yet?”

“I feel little butterflies movements every now and then, but not hard kicks.”

“Looking at these soccer legs, I’m sure you will soon.”

She moves the probe around some more, stopping every now and then to take images or put measurements on the screen. Finally, she gets to a point where she freezes the screen and looks up and Wes and me.

Wes tilts his head to the side. “I’m not one to know what I’m looking at on an ultrasound, doc, but I feel like even I could figure this out.”

She smiles and nods her head, “Congrats mom and dad, you’ve got yourself a little boy. And a show-off one at that. “

Once again the hormones do me in and I start to cry. Wes wipes the tears from my cheeks and gives me a big kiss. “I know you’re crying because you can’t help it, but I sure hope it is on the happy side.”

That makes me laugh through my sobbing. “Oh Wes, I was going to be happy either way. Now we have a girl and a boy!”

The doctor continues her scans, stopping to take images and do measurements here and there, for another half hour or so. When she is done she wipes me off and helps me sit up. “I’m going to go print out some of these images and I’ll have my nurse take you to a room where we can do the rest of the appointment. Congrats again, Holly and Wes!”

Dr. Neil leaves and a few minutes later her nurse comes in and ushers us into an exam room. Dr. Neil joins us with another doctor who I have not met yet. He shakes both of our hands as Dr. Neil introduces him. “Holly, Wes, this is Dr. Gregory, he is one of our high-risk doctors, one of the best this side of the state.”

A lump forms in my throat, “High risk? Oh my god is something wrong with the baby?” I clench my belly and Wes does the same.

“Holly, Wes, I want you to know first and foremost that your baby looks healthy and is hitting all the markers that it should. The concern that Dr. Neil has is about you, Holly. It seems that your cervix has already begun to thin out.”

“Thin out? What does that mean?”

Dr. Gregory took a few steps closer to my side. “In basic terms, as your body preps for birth, your cervix first thins out and then dilates, sometimes happening at the same time. The kind of thinning that we’re seeing is not something we should see until closer to 30 weeks.”

Wes squeezes my hand tightly, “Does that mean that she’s going to have the baby early?”

“Well, that is what we’re here to talk about. I’m going to suggest that we do modified bed rest for you, Holly.” I take a deep breath, trying to fight back the tears that are forming in the corner of my eyes. Dr. Gregory must sense my fear. “I know it sounds scary, but I think just doing this simple thing is going to be a good start in keeping that baby in there.”

“What does that mean? Modified?” I ask for further clarification.

“That means for about 18-20 hours of the day I would like for you to be off your feet, preferably with your legs up. This will keep pressure off of your cervix and hopefully slow the thinning. We’re not going to be able to stop it from happening, but if we can keep the pressure off your cervix, hopefully, we can buy ourselves a few weeks.”

“But what about work? I own my own place,” my voice sounds shaky and panicky.

Dr. Gregory frowns slightly, “Unfortunately, this means no more working, at least not anything that would require you to be on your feet.”

“Wes….” He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug. Today was supposed to be one of the best days and now it is turning into a nightmare.

“I know this is a lot and this is scary, but I want to let you know that Dr. Neil and I are going to be with you every step of the way. We will be making appointments here every two weeks and one of us will come out to your place the other week.”

Wes turns to the two of them, still cradling my body in his. “Could we have a minute?”

“Of course. “

Both doctors leave and I sink into Wes’s body and let the tears fall. These are hormone tears, these are mother tears.