Loni

"Are you okay in there?" Bethany asks, knocking softly on my bedroom door.

I swing the door open and she's stringing at me with her big doe eyes, holding a muffin wrapped in cling wrap in her hand. "I'm fine." I snatch the muffin out of her hand and walk past her. "You don't need to keep checking on me," I say, unwrapping my breakfast.

"You've been crying yourself to sleep every night for the past week."

"And every morning you knock on my door, ask if I'm okay, and I always come out looking just fine." I take a bite of the chocolate chip muffin.

She crosses her arms over her chest, eyeing me up and down. "Maybe on the outside you look fine. But on the inside—"

"My insides are fine also." I take one final bite and throw the wrapper into the trashcan. "Now come on, we are going to be late for class."

"I really think you should talk about it. About him. It's not good to keep feelings bottled up like this."

"There are no feelings. None. We had a fling and it's over." I sling my backpack over my shoulder. "Time to move on."

I've been doing anything but moving on.

Jace Maxwell is all I can think about. I miss talking to him during the day. And I miss him touching me at night.

I can't even touch myself because it makes me think of him and how he did it so much better. The man has ruined me. And I keep kicking myself for what went down at Shakers.

I had all intentions of going up to him, telling him how I felt. But then I saw him with her and I don't know, jealousy got the best of me. So like an idiot, I pretended to flirt with some random guy just to make him jealous. I know it was stupid, Hadley already gave me that lecture.

But then when we were outside, I wanted to tell him I loved him. But he was right, I'm scared. I was scared of getting hurt. In the end, I got hurt anyway. Honestly, I think this self-inflicted pain is much worse.

I need to start moving on. I have to. Letting my grades suffer and losing focus on my internship application is not an option. I also can't keep Bethany up all night with my hysterics, she has obligations too.

Bethany is a good distraction at times. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday we have a Woman's studies course together. It's a bullshit elective that doesn't really contribute to my major, but the professor seems cool and everyone says this is an easy A class.

We walk through campus together and Bethany holds onto my arm, chatting my ear off about her sister's recent engagement.

I try to focus, but then something catches my gaze. No, not something, someone.

Eric is walking right towards us, a huge smile plastered to his face.

I stop, yanking Bethany back to my side. My heart slams against my ribs and I swear all the color drains from my face. It's been so long since I've seen him or even thought about him.

He looks good. Happy. And still walking towards us.

Turn around. Turn around.

"Loni, hey," he says, cheerfully.

I can feel Bethany's eyes on me, but I can't remove my stare from him.

"Do you mind giving us a moment?" he says to Bethany who is practically breaking my skin with her nails.

I give her a quick nod and she releases me, walking away from us but not too far. Just far enough to give us privacy.

"I'm happy I ran into you."

What do I even say? "Me?" Oh yeah, nice.

He laughs. "Yes, you." He runs his fingers over his hair which has gotten much longer since the last time we talked. "I just," his smile falls, "I really wanted to apologize for that night at the mansion. I said some things, did some things, and you didn't deserve that."

I blink. "T-Thank you."

"You honestly didn't deserve any of the shit I did to you. I know I hurt you, Loni. And I am so sorry about that." He pauses, collecting his thoughts. "I think I just got scared, you know. We were moving really fast and I didn't understand what I was feeling. I thought having sex with you would put all of my feelings into perspective, but it didn't. I should have just talked to you and told you how I felt before any of that happened. I get that using you to figure out what I wanted was wrong. I knew I wasn't doing the right thing when I slept with you. I just wanted to self-sabotage things so I wouldn't have to confront my feelings. And I'm so sorry, for everything."

Sounds like someone I know. Both of us self-sabotage, and can't confess our true feelings, or lack thereof in his case. Yeah, I guess we aren't so different after all.

"I really just wanted to get that off my chest." He smiles again. "And I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you and that boyfriend of yours are doing alright." He grasps my shoulder quickly before walking away.

My heart feels heavy. Like I don't think I can even move. My entire body aches as the realization sets in. Everything that Eric did to me, I did to Jace. I used Jace for his body. And everything Eric did to himself, I did to myself. I didn't admit how I truly felt even though I had every opportunity. I refused to let myself get hurt.

But in the end, I'm the loser. I got hurt and I lost the one guy who made me want to open up. I lost the one person I could really be myself with. The one guy I really do love.