Loni

Ow.

My head is killing me. I've had bad hangovers, but this, this is so much worse times infinity. It's like I swallowed a pound of salt. The back of my throat burns and prickles with heat. Traces of bile linger in my mouth making my face twist.

I hope I didn't puke on anyone.

Sleep crusts my eyes, I need to use my fingers to pry them open. Muscles I didn't even know I had, ache with every movement.

A familiar smell fills my nostrils but before I can place it, I hear Jace.

"Hey," he says on a breath.

Sunlight burns my eyes and I rub them with the heels of my hands.

"My throat hurts," I husk out, trying to swallow but my mouth is way too dry.

Jace laughs. He's kneeling down next to the bed but when I blink, he's sitting on top of the mattress. His smile falls as his fingers run through my tangled hair.

I probably look like such a mess right now.

"Do you remember anything from last night?"

His words are like a trigger. The images are hazy and I don't have all the pieces and up to a certain point, everything goes dark. I've blacked out from drinking before, but nothing like this. The things I am able to remember are like an out-of-body experience. Like I was yelling at myself to do something, but my body wouldn't respond. And the start of it all was that fucking drink.

Ringing fills my ears as my heartbeat quickens in my chest. Oh fuck, I was drugged. Never in all my life would I have imagined something like this happening to me. I've always been so careful. Never leaving my drink unattended. Never taking a drink from—

No.

I'm so stupid. I'm so damn stupid.

Tears prickle in my eyes and they burn even more. My throat tightens and my stomach fizzes. I close my eyes, forcing back the emotions that are starting to overwhelm me. When I open them, Jace is watching me with absolute concern.

I nod. "I remember," I start, clearing my throat. "I remember taking a drink from someone. It tasted weird."

Jace's eyes close for a moment and his lips tighten.

"Then I was in the room laying on the bed. The guy, with the drink he-- he was on me. He was so heavy I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I tried to scream, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. And then he—"

"No, baby" Jace chokes out, standing from the bed. His hands press against his ears but they slide down his face. "No, no, I don't think I can hear this." Agony washes over his face while he puts his knuckle in his mouth. He drops his hands and lets out a breath. "Did he—"

I shake my head. "No." I force a swallow again. I'm composing myself pretty well considering what we are talking about. I honestly feel numb to the whole situation. Maybe it's the lingering effect of whatever the guy drugged me with. "Hadley came in the room before he could do anything. I couldn't understand a thing she was saying to me. Pretty much everything else is black." I close my eyes. "Except," I open them again, "I see you."

His cheeks flush.

"You came to the party. You took care of me."

"Hadley called me. I'm happy she did."

"Why? I was pushing you away. Why did you even want to help me why did you—"

"Because I l—" he sucks in his lips, shoving his hands in his pockets, sitting back down on the bed. "Loni, I'm going to care about you. I'm going to worry about you and protect you. Those are the strings attached. No matter what you say to me, no matter if you try to push me away or suggest we hook up with other people, I'm always going to care about you."

***

It's safe to say I won't be drinking for a long, long time. About a week has passed since the New Year incident, that's what I'm calling it because saying 'the night I got slipped a date rape drug' is just too overwhelming.

Hadley has been calling me every single day. She blames herself for what happened, for not sticking by my side the entire night. But how could she have known? How could she have known that Mr. No Name was a creep who liked to drug women?

I'm the one that talked to this guy, I took the drink from him willingly, and she has nothing to feel guilty about.

No matter how many times I explain that to her though, she still apologizes. I've given up at this point. I'm ready to move on. I've been researching internships for the summer at this film studio in California. Yes, it's going to be just fetching coffee and bagels for the people that work there, but at least I'll be exposed to those elements.

My uncle, my dad's brother, owns a small film production company in New York. He told me he has a job waiting for me as soon as I graduate, but I need some more experience in the field before I'm thrown into a higher-up role in the industry.

Aside from that, I've also been playing some beach volleyball. Just for fun with some of the other Bayside students. I am keeping myself pretty busy.

I haven't seen Jace though.

I'm not too busy for him, even though that's what I've been telling him, I just can't see him.

Our arrangement has gotten way too out of control. And for a while, he was all I could think about. I just think it's best that we keep our distance. There's still a little annoying voice in my head just yelling at me to admit my feelings for him.

I know he cares about me, and I'm sure if I told him how I really feel that he would feel the same way. But there's a sliver of doubt. I can't get hurt again. And I can't believe I allowed us to go on like this.

I'd rather call things off now and deal with this pain I inflict on myself than to date him officially and be crushed in the end. It's been easy to think this way, to think that it'll be easy to give up Jace just like that. But I haven't seen him. Until now.

The Bay Cafe is packed, but across the room, standing at the end of the counter is him.

A familiar ache pulses between my legs. I miss his touch, the way he looked at me. I could walk up to him right now and tell him to take me home. He would, that's not the issue. The issue is me. Little chicken shit me that is afraid of commitment.

Having sex with him one more time might just break me and make me crumble at his mercy.

"Loni, Hey!" Sienna Ray is standing in front of me with a toothy smile.

"Hi," I say, trying to look past her at Jace, but there are too many people blocking my view.

"How are you, girl? Are you excited for classes to start again soon?"

What's with the small talk?

"Yeah."

"Me too!" She smiles wider, then pouts. "I just wish we still had volleyball going on because then we can see Jace a little more."

"Jace?" I'm finally completely focused on her.

"Speaking of Jace," she glances over her shoulder then whips her head back to me. "I know you two had a little relationship going on—"

"Relationship?" Don't fucking say it. "We aren't in a relationship."

"Great!" Her voice bounces off the walls. "That's great to hear. Because I was hoping to ask him out."

"You— You huh?"

"And I really just wanted to make sure, you know, things wouldn't be awkward between us."

My eye is twitching but I hold my smile.

"But since you guys aren't in a relationship I guess it's okay, right?"

What the shit? What do I say?

Say no. Just say no. Easy as that. N-O, no fucking way.

"Yeah." Wait what, no, no! "Fine with me."

"Oh, Loni," she squeals, taking my hand, squeezing it hard. "You are the best."

NO!

Before I can say anything else, Sienna is running through the coffee shop and over to Jace.

I move my head to watch them through the crowd. They talk, a smile on his lips. My chest burns watching them. Jace looks away from her for a second and his eyes lock right on me.

Fuck.

He says something else to her and starts walking toward me.

Run away. Move. Get out of here!

I listen to the voice in my head and walk out the front door, but before it closes, it swings open again.

"Loni."

I freeze, draw in a breath, and turn around.

"What's going on?" He takes a step closer to me, but I step back.

"You should go out with Sienna." The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"What? No, I don't want to go out with Sienna I want—"

"Please, don't, don't say that." I hold up my hand, thinking it will stop the words from coming out of his mouth.

"I want to go out with you."

"Jace—"

He takes my hand and I can't help but look into his eyes.

"I don't want anyone else."

I pull my hand away. "And that's exactly why you need to go." I shake my head. "Things have gotten a little out of control and we need to get things back on track. So please, for me, go out with her."

"But—"

Before he finishes, I turn on my heels and walk the other way. I think he said something, but I honestly can't hear a word while I mentally kick myself for doing what I did. I want to take it all back. But it's too late.

I glance over my shoulder for just a moment but see Jace walking back into the cafe.