•In My Veins By Andrew Belle•

"Wait! Stop! I didn't do it, I swear!" I yelled, attempting to back away as he took purposeful steps towards me. The terrible smirk he always wore firmly planted on his face.

"Don't you lie to me, bitch." A punch to my jaw sent me flying into wall where I then smacked my head. Glass rained down on me as a picture frame broke and fell, narrowly missing my head. The stinging pain of the glass made me see stars for a moment as I tried to crawl away.

I attempted to curl in on myself as his heavy boots thudded across the floor. His greasy hand wrapped around my arm and pulled me up, nearly dislodging the appendage from its socket.

I cried out, but he just clamped a hand around my neck and shoved his face into mine. Putrid breath rolled over me in waves and I struggled not to gag, already dangerously low on air.

"I told you what would happen if I ever caught you stealing from me again." Dread coiled in my stomach and tears immediately flooded my eyes and spilled over my cheeks as he threw me towards the bed.

"No, not again! Please." I begged, struggling to get away.

"It's too late for begging. Now be a good girl for me."

I shot up in my bed, sweat pouring down my skin and my breathing exploding into frantic gasps for air. I twisted, feeling the sheets wrap me in a vice grip. The floor was as hard as rock as I landed on it as I tried crawling to the shower. The cold water shocked my system before I got used to it and before long it poured over me and sent my whole body blissfully numb.

My mind was dead as I stared at the tiled wall in front of me. It's been so long. So long, and yet he's still tormenting me. My body trembled as the ghost of his revolting and unwanted touches continued to torture me. My clothing was soaked but I couldn't find it in me to care. I wasn't sure how long I stayed there before I truly became cold.

My limbs felt like cement as I tried to move myself from my position in the bathtub to my closet. Changing out of my wet clothes was almost painful. I moved like a robot, unseeing and unfeeling.

"Mommy?"

I sighed and scrubbed a hand over my face, muffling a curse. Guilt rushed into me as I shuffled to my door and opened it, revealing a puffy faced Charlotte. I must've woken her when I got in the shower.

"Baby? It's very early in the morning. Are you alright?" I asked her, frowning in concern.

Her lower lip trembled and she looked up at me with watery eyes. "I cwoudnt sleep. I heawred you being sad." I cursed inwardly again. If I was calling out in my sleep again, then this was a lot worse than I thought.

I sighed again and leaned down to pick her up, my heart immediately settling at the familiar feeling of her on my hip. Charlotte may have been created out of pure malice and pain, but she was in no way unwanted.

I laid her down beside me and smiled as she immediately curled into me. "Mommy just has bad dreams sometimes sweetheart. It's okay, don't be afraid." I whispered, stroking her hair softly.

Her little hand came up to run over my face softly before she grabbed my hand and started drawing little symbols on it. I smiled at the familiar game. I'm not proud to admit it, but whenever I had a particularly horrible episode, one that would last for days, Char and I decided this "game" to calm me down. Her hand would touch my face in five places; both cheekbones, my forehead and chin, and the tip of my nose, before she'd lower it and trace drawings into my palm.

For some reason that's what has always calmed me down.

"Mommy?"

I looked into the eyes of my sweet little girl and tried not to cry at the innocence I saw in them. The innocence I never kept for myself.

"Yes?"

"I rweally rweally love you."

My eyes stung as I pressed my lips against her forehead and sighed, inhaling her lovely scent of sugar cookie bath soap. "I love you too. Now get some sleep, we have a big day tomorrow."

• • •

I decided to not go to school today. I knew I'd pay for it later, but I just needed a day to myself. Especially after this morning. I dropped Charlotte off the normal time, she was actually excited about going to school since her class was doing some show and tell thing.

I sat in the parking lot for a while afterwards, inhaling cloud after cloud of deliciously poisoning smoke into my lungs. Students eyed me curiously and after a while I sighed and started to pull out of the parking spot.

A rap, rap on my driver side window scared me so bad I dropped my cig. "Shit!" I cursed, my hands swatting air as I tried patting at the burning area like a maniac. My head shot up in a glare at the person who caused this but my breath fell out of my chest as I noticed it was just Casey at my side.

"Hey." I greeted her, rolling down the window as I put my cigarette back in my mouth.

"Hi." She replied, leaning on her forearms as she surveyed my car. "You ok?"

I frowned and pulled the cig out, turning away for a moment so I don't blow the smoke in her face like a dickhead.

"Kinda." I answered honestly. Her eyebrows narrowed into a sharp 'v' as she frowned.

"I got a few minutes, you need to talk about it?" I pondered the question for a moment before shaking my head. As much as I appreciated the gesture and her thoughtfulness, I wasn't in the mood. "Nah, thanks though."

She smiled, letting me know she wasn't upset with my decision, before looking back at the school with a disgusted face and groaned. "You are so lucky you're not coming today. Ms. Hernandez is gonna do drills with us."

I choked out a half-amused half-pity laugh and shook my head. "Sorry. Have fun!" I called as she walked away.

I watched her disappear into the building before releasing a sigh and pulling out of the packed parking lot. I didn't know where I was going specifically when I drove, I just knew I needed it.

The thickness of his all-too-memorable touches and caresses of false affection still draped my skin in what felt like a layer of pungent , sludgy, oil. I felt dirty, used, and so very afraid.

And I hated it.

It has been a very long time since I've allowed myself to mettle in my past. Even poking that part of my mind with a metaphorical stick was akin to pouring salt over a fresh third-degree wound. It was a raw, savage, untamable pain and I knew I could never let it out. Should I give in, I would hurt a whole lot of people, so I kept it locked up tight.

My drive eventually led me to a part of the beach that I hadn't been to yet. It was down the ways from my house, closer to Evelyn's.

I forced myself to not think about her, and what her words from the other day may or may not mean. Evelyn was not one to mettle, the power she possesses is very easily a solution to derive information.

I shook my head again as I exited the car, wrapping my jacket around me as it was a prickly morning. The sea was tangible in the air and in my lungs. I breathed it in like a fish inhales water.

I wasn't sure what brought me here specifically, but I knew with utter certainty that wherever I was, I felt at home. The gentle lapping of the water at my feet was a soothing chorus. My body seemed to relax and just be as I stood on just the threshold of where sand meets ocean.

I tilted my head back and just let go. My eyes squeezed shut immediately but the tears still poured out of them uncontrollably. Unable to hold myself up any longer, I fell to my knees, the force of my sobs as strong as the roaring of the sea.

The ocean was one of my favorite beings on earth. I say "beings" in a cryptic way because that's precisely what it is. Metaphorically, the ocean is a living, breathing force. It takes life, but gives life as well. It is a force that can rival mountains and reduce them to pebble-sized lumps. But it is also a force that can be gentle and soothing.

This was exactly how I'd describe Evelyn. Because this is how I feel when I'm around her. I've only known her a few weeks and she's already brought me to my knees. And not in the sexy way either.

Well, maybe that should change.