I sat in the mouth of the cave, staring out at the midnight sky. There were no clouds up above, only glittering stars as far as the eye could see, highlighting the beautiful moon, which unapologetically stood out in the sky. It was truly amazing- I hadn't looked out and really appreciated the sky in a while.

I continued to stare up at it for a while, enjoying the silence that surrounded me, uninterrupted aside from the quiet breathing of my comrades, who were all sleeping within the bar. Jericho has passed out on the floor, her jacket draped over her body. Escanor had a small room in the back where he slept. He made sure to offer it to all of us before going to sleep there himself. Ban and Elaine were cuddling behind the bar, near the warmth of a small heater. My gaze flicked behind me for a split second.

I sighed, closing my eyes and leaning against the side of the cave entrance. I whispered quietly to myself, "What am I doing...?"

Today had all happened to fast, it feels like it's been a lifetime. So jam-packed with action, I think this is the first time all day I haven't been running on pure adrenaline. It feels like this has been my first chance to relax all day, and it's nice... I guess.

Being alone with my thoughts has never been a good thing for me, as I'm sure most people understand. Especially in such silence, even though it's really nice. It's just never good, you know?

I'm glad Jericho's here, in all honesty. She's the only one keeping me sane. It's good that Ecsanor is too, but I can't really talk to him. It's just nice to have another girl around who gets it.

All day I've had this ache in my stomach, and it's made it's way across my whole body at this point. The way Ban looks at me... it makes me want to throw up. I can't stand him giving me those icy glares and not even talking to me. He used to at least tolerate being around me, even when he was upset, but now it's like he can't even stand the thought of me.

I thought maybe being nice to Elaine would help, but obviously it hasn't. I don't... hate her, per se. She's really sweet, and having her around us nice, it's just... well seeing her and Ban practically glued to together hurts. Him whispering sweet things in her ear and always hugging her, making her feel special. It hurts. It hurts really bad. So I don't like her all that much, but I'm nice to her. She didn't do anything wrong.

I've been devoted to him for so long. I don't understand why I'm not enough for him...

I'm not small, or built like a little boy, I don't have blonde hair or pretty eyes, I'm not as sweet as her or as pretty but... I love him. I love him so much. It hurts how much I love him. I think about him all the time and I can't get him out of my head. I am so hopelessly in love with a man who only kind of likes me back when he has no other options. I know how bad he is for me and my self esteem, but I can't help it. I can't choose how I feel about him.

I want to hate him. I wanted to let myself kill him when I had the power to. But I just couldn't. I couldn't watch him die, I just couldn't do it.

I don't know why. I don't have any reason other than I love him. It's a stupid reason, and it makes no sense.

My bottom lip quivered as I stared at the floor, huddling into a ball and pulling my cloak tighter around me.

"Stupid..." I mumbled to myself, breathing out shakily.

That's all I am, really.

Stupid.

It really does explain everything about me, when you really think about it.

The way I got my sin was me being stupid, letting my emotions control me. I ended up going on a rampage because I couldn't control myself. I was stupid for not staying on the side of the demons in the Holy War, and because of it my whole race got slaughtered. I'm stupid because I can't control myself when my powers are at full strength. I'm stupid because I'm in love with a man who probably doesn't give two shits about me.

I could go on and on about the ways I'm stupid. It would take me days to list everything.

I watched my vision get blurry with tears.

"Why am I so stupid?" I whimpered, hugging myself so close it hurt.

I sniffles quietly, trying my hardest to hold in the sobs that wracked my body. The only things you could hear were the occasional sniffle or whimper.

Shut up.

I practically demanded it of myself. Shut up and be quiet for once- stop crying and making a fool of yourself.

"Hey, I've got watch."

I inhaled suddenly, immediately wiping my face as I turned to look at who stood above me.

It was Ban.

"Wh-what?"

"I've got watch. Go sleep."

His words were concise and left no room for a response. He didn't even look at me, he just stared out the mouth of the cave.

Almost immediately, he moved to the opposite side of the mouth, leaning against the rock that made up the cave entrance.

I stayed where I was, ashamed.

I don't know why I felt like that, but I did. I'm not sure if it was because I was crying, or because I expected him to try and comfort me. Either way, it didn't feel like the right emotion to have.

I stared at the ground and sighed. It had been a good few minutes, and he was still just standing there, looking out of the cave.

"Ban, go back to bed. I'm not gonna be able to sleep, it's fine."

"You need sleep."

He spoke with confidence, and left no room to continue the conversation. I furrowed my brows, standing up and huffing. I started to walk out of the cave and toward the woods. When he didn't say anything I stopped. I didn't even look back at him.

"I'll give you ten minutes to fulfill whatever superiority man complex that you have, since it's telling you you have to watch over us, but when I get back and you should be asleep," I scoffed, voice hard and mean. "Besides, you wouldn't want Elaine to sleep alone."

I clenched my eyes shut, already regretting saying it. I walked forward quickly, hugging my upper body tightly as I walked toward the softest, not looking back. I tried to hold in the tears as I speed-walked forward.

"Stop."

His voice sounded from behind me, and I unintentionally froze. I didn't dare open my mouth.

"(Y/N), you need to stop with this pity party bull you've got going on," he said, his voice nowhere near as cold as before. "It's getting ridiculous."

"Ridiculous," I repeated, suddenly hot with anger.

"That's what I said, yeah."

"You wanna know what's ridiculous, Ban?" I snapped, turning around. He opened his eyes in surprise. "You leading me on like some doe-eyed schoolgirl who can just be shot down without you worrying about it."

"Wh-"

"Well, I'm sick of it! You finally told me you were going to be with me. You said that you loved me just like I loved you and you were finally ready to move on from her! I had two day. Two. Days." I chuckled humorlessly, tears starting to fall and I raised my voice. "And then you ran off with some fairy who died twenty-something years ago! I have loved you unconditionally from the moment we met, no matter how badly you treated me! And this is the thanks I get?!

"Well, you know what? Fuck you, Ban. Fuck. You. You don't deserve me. Honestly, I'm still going to be head over heels for you- and if you snapped your fingers I would come running," I stared at him with red eyes and blotchy cheeks and tears spilled down. "But I know you won't snap them. Because I am always your last choice. When you have no one else to love, that's when you finally come running to me. The second there's someone else, you go running again.

"I'm sick of it, Ban! I'm sick of being treated like I'm... like I'm disposable. I love you so much hand it hurts me so bad to even think about you with her! What I don't understand, is how a jackass like you has got three amazing girls fawning over him!" I laughed, "Like what?! You don't deserve any of us! And here we are!

"So I'm gonna go cool off, and you're going to go sleep with your dead girlfriend and live in denial, and I'll see you in the morning."

I turned around on my heel, and took an angry step towards the woods. I could get a second one in because I was pulled back by him.

"(Y/N), I'm so sorry..." he whispered, arms wrapped securely around me. It was almost like he was begging me to stay.

"Let me go," I rasped.

"I can't explain it... and I know it won't help..." his voice broke, "but please know I do love you."

"Please, just let go," I whimpered, pushing away from him.

"I know I'm terrible. And you don't deserve this. You don't deserve any of this. You have to believe me though... I love you..."

Then why are you with her?

I begged the question to leave my lips, to attack him and make him explain it to him. I didn't understand. I didn't understand a word he said. How can he love me but still chose to be with her?

"Say something..."

"Let me go," I repeated.

It felt like a punch in the stomach. Why did I say that? Why was I doing this? All I want is to talk it out, for him to explain himself, for him to love me again. To chose me.

He pulled me and turned me around. I was silently sobbing, glaring at him. His eyebrows were drawn down, his mouth pressed closed with everything he wanted to say. He looked me up and down. Such a tall, muscular man, and yet he seemed so small. He was huddled in on himself, trying to contain the remorse.

"Ban, I want you to let me go. Right now," I choked out, shaking while he shakily clutched my biceps.

He pulled me close to him, hugging me into his chest.

What is he doing? This isn't like him. The Ban I know would never do this- especially not for me. I tried to push away but I just didn't have the strength. I finally gave in and clutched his back, letting my sobs rack my body and my cries to escape my lips.

He seemed like he was about to cry too, but he stayed silent. This was the most vulnerable I had ever seen him. Maybe I'm hallucinating or dreaming, I'm not sure. But I just want it to end. I let out a sob.

"Ban, I'm so sorry my love isn't enough for you."