"I'm going to have to start from the beginning, I think." I said into the air as I paced back and forth on the hard rock that we were standing on. "It's just, well... I've never told anyone most of this."

I glanced towards Zane, who was sitting patiently, waiting for my words to flow. He was watching me as I paced, which I've been doing for the last five minutes.

"Well, except Lucy." I said offhandedly, as if I was reminding myself.

"Lucy?" Zane questioned.

"Yeah, Lucy. My therapist." I answered him.

Zane grabbed my hand as I paced by him, causing me to stop and spin towards him. He looked at me in a way that reminded me of the way he used to look at me, back when all of this first happened. When he was looking for the lies. His eyes were lighter this time though, instead of being laced with doubt they were laced with something else instead. I could be wrong, but I could have sworn it looked like relief.

"You have a therapist?" He whispered out.

"Yeah, I do." I confirmed, smiling softly. "My dad's idea, after Jax was arrested. It's helped. It's helped a lot."

Zane nodded at my words, a smile broke out on his lips for the first time since we've been here. I stared at it, feeling a faint resurgence of that feeling in my chest that Lucy was talking about.

"You know that you can tell me anything, right? Nothing will change how I feel about you, how I see you." Zane told me, reminding me of what I was struggling to find words for.

I sighed as I gently pulled my hand away from his, turning back around so I was facing the water again. He said that now, but only because he didn't know what was coming.

"The night that it happened..." I started, taking a deep breath. "Jax came into my bed after I fell asleep. He was saying all kinds of crazy things. That he loved me, that I loved him. That I belonged to him. But, I think the worst thing that he said happened after he had finished. He said, you made a mistake, but I forgive you." I shook my head as I heard his voice in my head again.

I heard the rate of Zane's breathing increase, as I knew it would. I knew hearing this would be difficult for him, but he has to. If there's any hope that he could understand, he needs to hear this.

"My mind didn't take long before it started to lie to me. It was horrible. I sat in that room, feeling pieces of my soul start to fade away as my brain told me lies. I started questioning my worth as a person, because if Jax could just walk into my room and take away my consent so easily, maybe I wasn't really worth anything in the first place."

"That's not true, Seren. Jax's choice to do what he did that night had nothing to do with you." Zane said firmly.

"I know. I see that now, I realize that. But I couldn't see it at the time." I told him. "I might have even realized it sooner if he had left me alone afterwards. Maybe if he had pretended nothing happened, and I didn't exist, it would have been easier. But, maybe not. I felt so alone after it happened. So alone."

I took a breath as I remembered those days. I would never wish it upon anyone, to experience those feelings.

"And you helped me, like I said. You made it better. I don't know what I would have done without you." I looked up to Zane, hoping he understood just how serious I was. He looked in pain at my words.

"But the problem was... he was always there. He was always reminding me, threatening me, scaring me. I would have a great day, a perfect day with you. But the next day he was glaring at me, or leaving me a note, or coming to my house. You know he broke into my room when no one was there? He left a note on my vanity."

"What?" Zane said instantly. "Why didn't you tell me that?"

"I don't know. I think I thought if I didn't tell anyone then it would just go away. I realized it wouldn't though, the day that Jax came to my house when Cassidy was there. I realized it wasn't going to get better that day. He told Cassidy I was his girlfriend, and the way he said it, he sounded like he believed it."

"He was sick, Seren. He wasn't in his right mind." Zane walked over to me, he patted my arm gently.

"Maybe. I keep going back and forth, honestly. Maybe he had a break from reality, but I don't know. Maybe he was just entitled. I don't know which one is scarier, honestly." I closed my eyes as I said the words. "But that day, my dad came into my room. He was getting on my case about school. He was telling me he was disappointed in me for not going, and that I wasn't making good decisions. He said whatever it was that was making me skip school wasn't a big deal. He said he wanted me to start acting like how I used to act. He didn't know that acting how I used to act, it wasn't any better."

I hoped I was making sense to Zane, as I was describing to him all the rubber bands that I had been able to break away from the knotted ball and smoothed out in my mind so far. The way he was looking at me gave me hope that I was.

"So I tried to go back to the way I used to act, which in essence, was simply not caring. Not caring about myself, and not caring about anyone else either. Not caring about you." I glanced up to Zane, seeing a flash of understanding his eyes. "I went to Austin's house that night, just trying desperately to act the way I used to act. Reckless."

"But the next morning, this horrible realization hit me like a train. The realization that life was not worth living if this is what it would be, waiting for Jax to make good on his threats. And even if he didn't, and he miraculously left me alone, it didn't matter at the time. It felt like Jax had singlehandedly written the rest of my story with his actions. So... I stole pills from Austin's house." I stole a quick peak at Zane, watching as he realized the gravity of my words. It seemed instantaneous, the way his whole face darkened.

"My mind was already made up, when you came to my house that day. I tried my hardest to get you to leave, because I knew if you saw how bad I was really was, you would have stopped me." I told him.

"And it worked. I left." Zane said quickly, turning away from me. He walked a few steps away, and even though his back was to me, I could see the way he placed his head in his hands.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Zane. I'm not going to lie and say that I had a sudden last minute change of heart. I didn't. I was going to do it. I would have done it. But... even though what Jax did to me was about to kill me, he saved my life that night."

"What?" Zane spun around to face me. Even though he was trying to hide it from me, I could see the tears that had spilled down his cheeks.

"Jax showed up right when I was about to take the pills. He tore them from my hands and flushed them down the toilet." I told him.

"Jesus." Zane shook his head. "So you were really going to do it? You were going to kill yourself?"

"I was." I mumbled, looking back towards the ground. "I'm sorry. I knew how much it would have hurt you, but honestly I couldn't see your pain at the time. I could only see my own."

Zane bobbed his head at my words, his face was tensed. He brought up one of his hands, swiping away a stray tear that had fallen from his left eye.

"It's part of the reason I stayed away for so long. I felt like I betrayed you." I whispered, crossing my arms around my chest.

"Betrayed me." Zane repeated, tilting his head upwards so that he was looking towards the sky.

"Yeah." I muttered.

"You don't see me the way you need to see me, Seren." Zane said quietly, lowering his head to look at me again.

I paused for a moment, trying to decipher his words. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not a perfect person. I don't know all the answers. I don't know much about anything at all. I'm not infallible. After Henry, especially, I've had times where I couldn't see my way out. When I felt like I was waist deep in ice cold water, and it wasn't clear water, it looked like mud. I understand not being able to swim through it. I do." Zane said.

"I would never judge you for not being able to find a reason to survive. I had expected it, even. I've seen your struggles. I've seen them for so long. I saw them before Jax did what he did. Just because you lost sight of all the reasons why the world needs you, it doesn't mean that you betrayed me. It doesn't have anything to do with me. I know that, and I would have known that. You didn't need to be worried that I wouldn't have seen that."

Zane came closer to me, and he grabbed my face with both of his hands. His eyes scanned my face, and I felt the way I used to feel when Zane was around me, safe.

"I wish I would have known." He said after a moment. "I thought... well, I thought it was something completely different that was keeping you away. I thought you wanted to meet with me so that you could tell me it was all a mistake, and none of it was real between us."

I grabbed Zane's hands, removing them from my face and holding them at my sides instead. "Why?"

"I thought you didn't need me anymore. The night I called your phone and Austin answered, I thought you had found someone else to keep you safe. When you told me you didn't want me there, at your house the next day, I thought you meant that you didn't want me anymore." Zane told me.

"I'll always want you, Zane." I whispered. "I know that now. I know that not only do I need you, I want you. I choose you."

I had expected Zane to answer, and I guess he did. But instead of words, his answer came in a different form. His lips brushed against mine, so suddenly I didn't see it coming. They moved gently, delicately caressing my own. Everything went quiet, both in reality and in my mind, as I felt his lips on mine, as I felt his hands wrap around my waist, as I felt his body pressed against me. But... after all this time, I didn't want gentleness. I pushed against him harder, opening my mouth and letting our tongues dance together. Like my life depended on it, I kissed Zane back. But it wasn't enough, I wanted Zane's body all over mine. I wanted to feel him the way I've been feeling him in my daydreams. So I pushed him backwards, climbing on top of him as he sat on top the rock.

I threw my head back as Zane kissed my neck, the slight stubble that covers his chin was tickling me as he covers my skin with kisses. It made me feel alive. It made me feel red hot.

"I missed you," Zane muttered between kisses. "I missed you so fucking much, Seren."

I wanted to answer but I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't breathe in the best way, because Zane had taken all my breath. He had stolen it by the way he was kissing me. I moved my fingers into his hair, lightly pulling on it so that his face tilted up. I didn't hesitate before covering his lips with my own, trying to take my breath back, or at the very least, steal some of his own.

We kissed until my cheeks started to hurt, and my lips started to feel chapped. Eventually, we pulled away, trying to calm our racing pulses. We watched as the sun started to dip below the horizon, and even though it was a sunset, it didn't feel like one. It felt like a sunrise.

I felt the cold air rush into my lungs, and it made me feel like a soldier who had survived the everlasting war and lived to see another crisp morning. I don't consider myself to be a survivor, though. I don't think I really survived what Jax did to me. I think the person that I had been died right along with him.

It doesn't matter. I don't miss her. I don't miss her because the woman that rose from her ashes is better. She's stronger. She's powerful. She's a fighter.

And hopefully, I'll be able to say she's happy. I'll be able to say that she found true happiness because she chose true happiness. In little moments, and in big moments, she chose it for herself.

I don't think I could have chosen happiness, after it happened. I don't think I had that option. I think there will be times in life like that. Where there is no happiness left to choose from. Or maybe there is, but you can't see it. Those are the times that the storm blows and it blows heavy and hard around you. Once you withstand those storms is when you start to see the happiness. Whether you withstand it by strength, or will power. It could just be by sheer luck, gripping to your own life with white knuckles because you can't tell which way is up and the only thing you do know is that you're hanging on with everything in you.

It doesn't matter how you hold on, as long as you do, because when you reach the end of those storms, I promise you that happiness will become an option again.

It can be in the small things, at first. Like the way I chose to call Zane. Then the big things. You might not be able to tell, at first glance, which are big things and which are small things. They might be one and the same, but the difference is not important, as long you chose it.

All I can think about is the smile that's threatening to break out on my face. I can feel the urge to break out in giggles creeping around in my stomach. So I don't think about it, I just do it. Because tonight, I chose happiness.

And I'll continue to do so, whenever I see the option to. I'll let the world see it, as I do, because I'll finally let the world see me.

❤️