《See Me》56
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Zane answered on the first ring.
I knew he was there.
So why wasn't he saying anything?
"Zane?" I asked again.
I could hear his breathing. I matched my own to his rhythm as I waited. I had expected hesitancy. But, just because I expected it... it doesn't mean it didn't hurt.
"Seren." He said finally. But his voice was flat.
"Hi." I whispered, partly in relief that he had said something without hanging up.
"How are you?" I asked when Zane didn't answer.
"I'm good."
"I'm glad." I said quickly. I was, after all. I was glad he was good. It's all I hoped for. Zane deserved it, if anyone in this dark and twisted story deserved happiness, it was him.
"Is there a reason you called me?" Zane asked me.
My breath hitched at the bluntness of his words. I began to realize I had taken for granted the way Zane had always treated me. The way he always spoke to me, like I worth his attention. Like he was always happy to speak to me. Like I was never bothering him with my neediness.
"I want to see you." I said quickly, almost as if I was trying not to think about the words before I said them.
Zane didn't answer, and the silence made my pulse quicken. What if he said no? He had every right to. He should say no, after the way I've treated him. I couldn't blame him for it. I couldn't hold it against him. Even if he decided to never speak to me again, I would always be grateful for him. I would always recognize the sacrifices he made for me, all the times when he sacrificed his own peace and happiness for mine.
"Okay." Zane said finally. He didn't say no. "When?"
"Tomorrow?" I didn't miss the way my voice sounded, like a school girl asking their crush to see a movie. I wished it could be today. I wished it could be right now. But, I wanted time. Time with Zane. Just in case. I wanted the option.
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"Alright. I'll pick you up." Zane said briskly.
By the time I opened my mouth to answer, he had already hung up.
I stared at my phone as I pulled it away from my face. I don't know what I was looking for, I don't know what kept my eyes glued to the now blank screen. Maybe I was questioning if short phone call had really happened, unlike the many times I had daydreamed about doing it in the last few weeks.
A loud honk finally pulled my attention elsewhere, to Austin's car, which was waiting now in front of me. Haphazardly pulled over on the side of the busy street. I could hear the thumping of the music Austin was playing, his head bobbing to it.
"What happened?" Austin asked me as I slid into his car. He must have noticed my far away expression.
"I called him." I said as I pulled the seatbelt over my body, clicking it into place.
"You did?" Austin's eyes grew wide. "So... then what's the face for?"
"He didn't seem very excited to talk to me." I shrugged. Like I said, it made sense.
"Oh, babe. I'm sorry." Austin patted me on my leg before pulling into the city traffic.
I didn't feel like talking as Austin drove me home. It looked like he did, however, judging by the glances he was shooting in my direction. I kept my face pointing away from him, staring out of the window instead. Watching as we quickly passed by the city, before it turned into the calmness of the suburbs.
"Alright." Austin said as he pulled into my driveway. "What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"
"Nothing." I said instantly.
"Seren, we've moved passed this. You know you can tell me anything. I mean, do you really think anything you say now is really worse than the things I already know about you?"
I groaned as I realized he was right. I could tell Austin anything, I already knew that. I think I didn't want to talk because my ego was wounded. I didn't want to talk because the moment I put what happened into words, it means it actually was real. It wasn't a daydream.
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"It's just..." I started, finally turning around to face him. "I've been thinking for the last month, wondering, no agonizing over if what I had felt for Zane was actually real, and not just because he was there for me. I didn't really consider whether what he felt for me was actually real, and not just because I need saving."
Austin sighed as he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, handing one to me first before pulling out his own and lighting it. He lit mine for me, moving his hand to stroke my cheek in two quick movements after my cigarette was aflame. It was the one habit I had yet to kick. But Lucy said it was okay, and we had time to work on it. And I would work on it. I would.
I had plenty of time now.
"Zane didn't look at you as someone who needed to be saved. I mean, maybe he did, at one point. But I'm positive it's not all he saw." Austin told me after leaning back in his own seat.
"You don't know that." I told him. It was a nice thought, of course, but he didn't. No one could know that, except for Zane himself.
"I do." Austin said simply.
"How do you know?" I asked him, flicking the end of my cigarette out my open window, so the gathered ash fell away.
"You're easy to love, Seren. I know you don't think that's true. I know you think you're not worthy of love. But you are. You are, not just the outside of you." Austin told me, and the way he was looking at me made me want to believe him.
"The problem is, you don't give people the opportunity to love you, because you don't give people the opportunity to know you. Anyone who knows you, the real you, not the cold front that you've put on for so long, they have no choice but to love you."
I was lost in my head as I listened to his words. I faintly remember having a similar thought, after my conversation with Carter. Not the same thought, but similar. It was when my mind was a mess, when it was all blurry, when it was all windy and wet.
"That's what happened to me. That's why I love you." Austin continued, causing my eyes to snap back up from where they were focused on the cigarette that was burning in my hands. "That's why I know Zane loved you too."
"You love me?" I asked him, my eyes travelling over his face.
Austin titled his head, his eyes scrunching up and his lips forming a grin, as if to say duh. "Of course I love you. You know I love you."
He shook his head, taking his seatbelt off. "How I love you is a lot different than the way Zane loves you... well, I hope so for your sake." Austin shot me a wink. "But, it's still the same. There's no way that Zane got to know you as a person, whether you were a bit of a mess or not, and only saw you as someone who needed to be saved."
I grabbed Austin's hand, pulling it into both of my own. "I love you too, Austin. You're my best friend. You have no idea what you've done for me, this last month. I could find the words that would justify how important you are to me."
"Well, you have ample time to try to find those words, because I'm not going anywhere, Seren. I'll be here. I'll be here if things go how you want them to go with Zane, and I'll be here if they don't."
I smiled at Austin, wondering how on earth I had gotten so lucky, to have someone like him by my side.
"But I'm not watching anymore Grey's Anatomy. I won't do it. You can't make me."
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