My eyes were focused on the doorknob, it kept turning and turning, and I could tell he was rattling it in frustration. The breath I was about to release before I heard his voice was trapped in my chest, pushing uncomfortably against my ribs.

"Seren! Answer the fucking door." Jax yelled, as he banged his fist on the door.

I didn't move, I didn't blink. My eyes were glued to the doorknob. The adrenaline was pumping through my veins, and it wasn't in a good way, like the day Zane and I had jumped into the water, or earlier today when we shared that beautiful kiss. It was adrenaline that was leaving my hands with a buzz.

"Who is that?" Cassidy had jumped to her feet, looking between me and the door.

"It's Jax." I told her simply. Because of course it was Jax. Who else would it be? My voice was the monotone pitch it seemed to assume whenever Jax was near me.

Cassidy's eyes bulged in her head. "Should I call the cops?"

I shook my head. "No. No cops. They won't do anything."

"What do you want me to do?" Cassidy asked me. She was halfway between the couch and the door, her body kept turning directions as if she wasn't sure which way to go.

Still, my eyes watched the door knob.

"Seren?" Cassidy's singular word was with laced with a question, and even though she didn't put it into words, I knew what the question was. It was why aren't you panicking? Why aren't you running? Why aren't you yelling back?

Maybe my life would be a series of flight, fight or freeze for the rest of my life.

Why did I always freeze?

"Seren?" Cassidy repeated, but I didn't look at her.

"Who the fuck is in there?" Jax's voice called out again. "I can hear you speaking."

Maybe Jax realized Cassidy's voice, which was several sound levels above my own, wasn't me, because the doorknob stopped turning. As if the way it had been rotating in perfectly, yet angry, rhythmic motions had been keeping me in trance, I finally turned to Cassidy.

"I don't know." I said quietly. I can't remember if she asked a question, but I said what I felt. And truly, I didn't know. About anything.

"Stay here, get down on the couch." Cassidy whispered, as she walked towards the door.

She didn't have to tell me twice as I ducked my head below the high back of the couch. I was acutely aware of every sound in the air as I heard Cassidy walk towards the door. She didn't hesitate once she got there, before unlocking it and throwing it open.

There was an awkward silence, which I could feel even from across the room, as I'm assuming she opened the door to find Jax. I pictured the look between the two of them, the shock on Jax's face and look of determination that Cassidy wore before telling me to stay hidden.

"Who are you?" I heard Jax demand.

"Cassidy." She answered simply. Her voice was strong.

"Where's Seren?" He asked her. His voice was dripping with desperation. I wondered if Cassidy could hear it too.

"She's not here." Cassidy replied without a minute of hesitation.

"Where is she?"

"She went to Arizona. With Zane." Cassidy told him, as casually as if she was telling him what she ate for breakfast.

"She what?" Jax's change in tone made me flinch. Instead of desperate, it was angry now.

"I said she went to Arizona with Zane." Cassidy repeated.

"Why would she do that?" Jax asked Cassidy.

"Zane didn't want to leave his girlfriend behind, probably." My breath hitched at Cassidy's words.

If I could see her, I would be frantically gesturing for her to reverse her words. As if that was even possible. Not only was I not Zane's girlfriend. I didn't know what Jax would do if he thought that was the truth.

"Seren isn't Zane's girlfriend." Jax replied instantly, and I was surprised at the way he said it. It was calm.

"Yes, she is." Cassidy stated matter of factly.

"No, she's not." Jax chuckled, and the sound was light and airy. "She's my girlfriend."

You could hear a pin drop at the silence.

But if you could hear the feeling inside of me, it would be deafening. It was panic, and it consumed me.

"I'm calling her." Jax let out when Cassidy didn't answer him.

Cassidy began to protest, probably because she didn't have the knowledge that it didn't matter, I had blocked Jax long ago. Which is probably why he had resorted to leaving me letters.

Cassidy's protest's died out when Jax put his phone on speaker. It didn't matter though, the line didn't even ring. It went straight to voicemail. I wondered why Jax wouldn't even try to call it, he had to know I blocked him, right? He had to be able to see the facts that were blatantly being displayed to him.

Right?

"Her phone is probably off because she's on a plane. With Zane. To Arizona. Like I told you." Cassidy's voice was strained. She was frustrated. "Her dad is about to be home, and I'm supposed to house sitting, so if you'll excuse me."

It sounded like Cassidy had attempted to shut the door, and guessing from the thud and Cassidy's subtle gasp of surprise, Jax had prevented her from doing so by way of his foot.

"You tell her that I came for her. You'll tell her, right?" Jax's voice was dark again.

"Sure." Cassidy's voice was starting to show the panic I'm sure she was feeling.

This time the door shut without any interruption. I didn't raise my head, however. I kept it down, just in case. I was starting to spin again. My mind was starting to spin, my stomach was starting to spin. I needed something.

"What the fuck?" Cassidy's voice rang out. Deciding it was safe, I popped my head back up from my hiding spot.

Cassidy had her phone raised to her ear, she was calling someone. I only hoped it was not the cops.

"Zane's not answering." She said, her voice only a breath of disappointment.

"Probably because he actually is on a plane." I told her.

"Why are you acting like this?" Cassidy asked me, her face was wearing a look I knew all too well. The look people give me when I'm not acting in the way I'm supposed to.

I couldn't help it. I felt the freezing cold numbness seeping into my blood that has been hiding in the dark corner of my mind. It's been held at bay, melted by the fire that Zane makes me feel. But Zane wasn't here now. He couldn't make me feel things, the way he does.

It's like my body knew what I should be feeling was way too much, and I couldn't handle it.

Cassidy was about to ask me something, but the words didn't leave her mouth as my phone started to ring and vibrate loudly on the coffee table in front of us. I watched as it jumped off the hard surface with every vibrate, rotating one end of it in a circle.

"Who is it?" Cassidy asked me. When I didn't answer she walked towards me, peeking her head over the phone. "It says unknown."

"I don't know." I didn't bother looking at the phone myself. I didn't really care. My mind was fixated on something else. It had known what it wanted before even I did.

"I'm going to go change." I said blankly, saying the first lie I thought of. Cassidy shot me one of those looks again, but I didn't care. I tried to remain calm as I lifted myself off the couch, even though I wanted to run up the stairs and to my room as fast I could.

I walked into my room with a clear purpose. My body knew it as much as my mind did, the way it simply strode over to my nightstand without a second thought. I felt the sigh of relief leave my lungs as I pulled out the small yellow bottle. Yellow might be my new favourite colour. I wondered if that was the reason they made them yellow. To represent the happiness these little pills brought people.

The happiness, however, was replaced instantly with panic as I opened the lid, frantically tipping the bottle over in my hands. I repeated the action three times, as if it would yield me a different result every time.

It was empty. I didn't have my pills. I didn't have any weed. I didn't have Zane.

I only had the knowledge that Jax wasn't giving up. He wasn't giving up and I wasn't sure he was going to.