《See Me》42
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Zane was on edge today. I could feel it as we walked into the school. He was walking close to me, his left hand was resting on my lower back. I had the feeling that even if I tried to increase the space between us, he wouldn't let me.
People were staring at us again. The girls looked at Zane first, and then glared at me in annoyance. The boys ran their eyes down my body, and then diverted their eyes as soon as they saw Zane's hand attached to me.
Because of course they only respect a girl when she's deemed as another guy's property.
I could see our group ahead of us in the hallways, settled around the same water fountain that they gather at every morning. Noah was pulling on a stand of Olivia's blonde hair. Olivia was chatting to Trinity, who seemed to be keeping an awkward distance between herself and Tyler. Tyler, Benji and Jax are were leaned against the wall, peering at the girls passing by and whispering comments into each other's ears. Cain was standing to the left of them, seemingly uninterested in their conversation and peering down at his phone.
Cain looked up as Zane and I reached my locker. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he observed the way Zane was touching me. He gave Zane a distinct flick of his chin, and gestured for him to go over there.
I don't think Zane noticed though, because his eyes were laser focused on Jax. I could practically hear the thoughts going through his mind. I could see what he wanted to do. I could see the fire in them.
"Don't." I whispered, laying a hand on his chest in hopes to calm him.
Zane didn't look at me, he kept his eyes on Jax. "He deserves it. And more."
"And when everyone asks why you felt the need to punch him, what will you say?" I asked him.
Zane sighed and looked back to me, but the fire in his eyes was still there. "I could think of a reason."
"Hmm." I hummed out, turning and opening my locker. I knew it as much as he knew it, Zane fighting Jax would be the talk of the school.
"No one asked the last time I punched him." Zane said nonchalantly.
My head flicked back towards him. What?
"When did you hit Jax?" I rushed out.
Zane titled his head at me, rolling his lips together like he had let out something he wasn't supposed to say.
"Zane?" I urged him, arching my eyebrow.
"Monday." Zane said simply.
It felt like weeks had passed since that day. It was the day I had finally told Zane the truth. The day I overheard him and Jax talking. The day Jax told him that we had been together and then called me a slut.
I stared at Zane, waiting for an explanation.
"Don't worry about it. He said somethings that he shouldn't have." Zane grabbed my hand. "Trust me, nothing that comes out of his mouth is worth repeating."
I wanted to ask more questions, but the sudden influx of students around us prevented me. I sighed, knowing the crowds of people meant only one thing. Class was starting soon. I didn't want to go. I never did.
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"You ready?" Zane asked, letting go of my hand. I watched as he did it, feeling a frown on my face at the sight.
Zane chuckled as he closed my locker for me, shaking his head. I watched as a smile formed on his lips, and the fire in his eyes was almost gone.
"You think they would have something better to look at." I muttered after we had stopped at Zane's locker, and we were now walking to our first class.
"You can't blame them." Zane said, surprising me. "We've both acted like strangers since I got here, and now we're together... a lot."
"I guess." I shrugged as I slid into my seat in our classroom, Zane taking the one next to me. "They could just mind their own business though."
"I don't think high school students know how to do that." Zane laughed.
I watched the students coming through the doors. My stomach bloomed with a tinge of awkwardness as Carter walked in. He had been avoiding me like the plague. I felt bad about what happened. The tinge of awkwardness increased tenfold as I watched Carter look up, locking our eyes together. I expected him to look away, but instead he abruptly changed directions and walked directly for me. I felt my heartbeat increase as I wondered what he was going to say to me, because whatever it was, I'm sure it wouldn't be anything nice.
Carter didn't say anything, though, as he approached my desk. Instead, he wordlessly sat down in the seat next to mine.
The class went by quickly. No doubt due to the fact I was painfully aware of Carter's presence beside me. Zane had picked up on my energy shift, I'm sure, by the way he had shifted sideways, casting his eyes between Carter and me. As the bell rang, I quickly gathered my things, and was about to leave when I felt Carter's hand on my arm.
"Can we talk?" Carter asked.
Carter was always asking me to talk.
He didn't look annoyed in the same way he had during our last conversation. He didn't look mad, or frustrated. I glanced up to Zane, who was peering down at me in curiosity.
"You good?" Zane asked me, his eyes boring into mine.
I nodded. "I'll be fine. I'll see you at my locker."
Zane nodded, before hesitantly walking away.
I sat back down in my chair, glancing back at Carter. I waited for him to speak, since clearly he had something on his mind.
"So... you and Zane?" Carter asked me, he seemed to be having a hard time looking at me in the eyes.
"We're just friends." I told him, because what else was I supposed to say? I don't think there was a word to describe what Zane was to me.
"Right." Carter nodded his head. "Listen... I wanted to say that I'm sorry. For calling you a tease and leaving you at the school. That was wrong of me."
"Don't worry about it. It's fine. I get it." I did after all, I saw how my actions would have seemed to him.
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"It's not. My feelings were just hurt, you know. I really liked you." Carter said, he sounded sincere.
I bobbed my head, turning his words around in my mind. "You don't really know me, Carter. You don't know anything about me."
Carter looked shocked at my words. I couldn't blame him, I was a little shocked at them too.
"I could have." Carter said. "Known things about you, Seren. You never really gave me the chance to."
I titled my head at him, my mouth slightly opened. "I guess I didn't."
"I'm sorry if that's the impression I gave you though, that I didn't want to know things about you. Maybe I should have gone about it differently." Carter said as he rubbed his chin.
"Maybe." I agreed.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay, too. You've been missing a lot of school." Carter added.
"I'm okay." I said quickly enough that Carter's eyebrows raised. "I've just been, uh, going through some things."
"Okay. Well, if you ever need a friend. I'm here for you. I can be your friend." Carter said as he placed his hand on my shoulder.
I couldn't help the way I jerked away from the contact. I regretted it instantly, because Carter was looking at me the way I hated to be looked at. He knew I was lying.
"Sure." Carter said slowly, like he wasn't convinced. "Well I have to get to my next class. You want to walk together?"
"No, it's fine." I mumbled, quickly standing to my feet. I walked out of the classroom without a second glance back.
I wanted to go have a cigarette. My mind was starting to jumble as I went through our conversation. My first thought was that I needed to do better, clearly. People were starting to notice. People were asking questions. People I thought would never ask those questions. I never thought Carter would notice. Which led me to my next thought. Is what Carter said true? Could he have seen me, as I want to be seen, if I had let him? How many other people would see me, if I show myself to them?
Had I been so consumed in the persona that I had created for me that I myself had brought it to fruition? I thought back to Carter's words, and Zane's and even Austin's. Had I done this to myself?
I wasn't aware of my surroundings as I pushed through the packed hallway. I was desperate to be in my own little world again, sitting against the brick wall as I breathed in the toxins that my body and mind had come to love so much.
"Seren?" I heard a voice call out to me.
Jesus Christ. Is it national talk to Seren day?
"Hey." Cain said as he came into view.
"Cain. Hi." I said as I continued walking.
"Going for a smoke?" He asked me, and I wondered how transparent I really was. Or, maybe I was just predicable.
"I am." I confirmed for him, noticing that he had fallen into step beside me.
"Me too." Cain said. "I'll join you."
I wanted to roll my eyes, but I didn't. I don't think I did, anyways. Sometimes my eye rolls sneak by without my permission.
I didn't answer as I pushed through the doors. I slid down the wall as I reached my spot, Cain doing the same beside me. I noticed my hands held a slight shake as I tore the pack open. I noticed the fullness of the pack of cigarettes, as I pulled one out of the sleeve. I had been smoking less these last couple days. A lot less.
"Are you feeling better?" Cain asked me as I lit the cigarette.
I pulled a few inhales through my mouth before I answered. I closed my eyes as I felt my body slow down, like the cells that I consisted of started moving less as the nicotine calmed them.
"Feeling better?" I asked him.
"Yeah. You were sick right?" Cain said as he exhaled his own cigarette.
"Oh. Yeah." I remembered the excuse I had ensured was circulated by use of a certain gossipy blonde. "Yeah. I am. Thanks."
Cain nodded, flicking his cigarette. "That's good to hear. Listen, I wanted to talk to you."
I suppressed a groan. If I never heard the words I want to talk in any sort of phrasing again, I'd be thrilled.
"Is Zane okay?" Cain didn't wait for me to answer before asking.
I flicked my eyes towards Cain at the question. "He seems okay."
Cain's eyes held worry. "Okay. He's acting different. He's been distant these last couple of days. Blew me off this weekend, hasn't responded to me at all."
Cain's words affected me more than I thought they were going to. I felt so guilty. I hadn't realized how much of a strain this had all been on Zane.
"You two seem... close." Cain added, watching me for my reaction. "I just wanted to make sure nothing had happened to him."
"Not that I know of." I told Cain, but I knew I was lying. Something had happened to Zane. I had happened to him.
"Alright." Cain said as he ashed his cigarette into the concrete. "You coming?"
I nodded, standing up beside him. I wanted to find Zane, anyways. He was probably worried that I didn't meet him at my locker, and I missed him. The world felt heavier when he wasn't around me.
Cain and I walked in silence together. He seemed as lost in thought as I was.
"What is going on?" Cain said as we pushed through the doors.
I scanned the hallway, looking for what he was talking about. It didn't take me long, because everyone's heads were pointed in the same direction.
Zane and Jax were standing in front of my locker, exchanging what looked like heated words. I couldn't hear them from where I was, and from the looks on both of their faces, I wasn't sure I wanted to.
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